How to Get Back the Time a Child Is Losing Out of Control
At the start of the pandemic, parents everywhere agreed that a little extra screen time wouldn’t hurt our kids. In many cases, especially for older children, these tablets and smartphones have been a lifesaver for their friends. My son, who was nine when the world closed down, traded soccer practice and extracurricular games for Minecraft meetings and video chats via Facebook Messenger Kids. We all did our best in the craziest situations.
But exactly one year later, when the world opens up very slowly, we may realize that their use of the screen has gotten a little out of hand. They could play in the backyard with Sammy, but they would rather play Roblox with Sammy. They can go to the park with other neighborhood kids, but this will shorten their YouTube evening time. They can finally start living their lives again, but their faces are still hidden behind screens.
So we have several options. We can 1) throw their electronics on the damn moon, or 2) start introducing some new restrictions. They won’t like the second, but they really won’t like the first – and there are a few things you can do to make the transition less painful for everyone involved.
Call a family meeting
You can simply make a decision and implement your new screen time rules – it’s your right as Responsible – but a softer approach is more likely to bring you at least a small portion of their own participation. As parenting columnist Megan Leahy writes for the Washington Post :
One of the biggest mistakes parents make with screens is that we want to issue commands and demands on the spot, and we expect our kids to happily agree to obey. However, we need a proactive encounter that sets realistic goals for our children. This meeting is held at a quiet time when all parties can express their views. The younger the kids, the more parents will have to decide, but you still need to be proactive to know what you are doing.
Talk about why family rules regarding screen time have become so lax around this time – and why now that people are getting vaccinated and businesses are starting to reopen, it’s time to prioritize getting out, doing things, and spending time with people. they love ( yet in safe ways, of course ).
You should also consider your own screen time. Children aren’t the only ones whose faces have been hidden behind screens for 12 months in a row; for adults, a little detox will work too. Create some family rules about screen time, such as no phones at the dinner table, no screen on Saturday morning, or turning off all devices after a certain time in the evening. If it’s not just about just winding up using them, but more about how to set up a family’s dependence on screens, it will be easier to get them to work.
Choose your battles
Screens are not inherently evil. These are the tools we all need at school, at work, and in our interactions with others. It is impossible to ignore the fact that most of our children will need or want to use screens every day. And different situations require different rules. When it comes to travel, I have almost no screen rules. If we drive seven hours, watch some movies if that pleases you. However, I have never allowed my son to use a screen in a restaurant (indoors or outdoors). It has been years since he was even asked because he knows the answer is no.
It is important to choose a battle so that not everything is a battle, but it is also important to win battles. Decide which hills of screen time you die on – whether it’s the time of day when they all turn off, or how long they are used in one sitting – and then die a fiery death on that hill.
Allow some flexibility
That being said, if you’re going to die on multiple hills, it’s best to balance that out by picking a few other areas where you can exercise some flexibility. Maybe they get a certain block of screen time per day, but they can choose when to use it (within reason). Or maybe if they are playing on-screen with a real-life friend, they can play a little longer because there is more of a social component to it than if they were just jamming YouTube.
Give them autonomy in determining when and how they use their devices so they can use their time wisely (or not).
Try leaving screens at home
We have been home for a long time. Now that we are on the cusp of being allowed to go out and communicate with other people again, it’s time to implement the “screens stay at home” rule. Screens don’t need to take a friend’s house with them on a date, and they don’t need to go to grandma’s for dinner.
The exception, of course, will be the phone of at least one of the parents, which the family may need in the event of a car breakdown or to indicate the direction where you are going. However, be honest and keep your phone in your pocket, unless you really use it for something essential, like taking a family selfie to capture your walk.