How to Manage Sibling Rivalry
If you have more than one child, you’ve probably noticed that they don’t always get along. Especially now, with both winter weather and the pandemic keeping us mostly together at home, the rivalry between siblings may have reached heights that previously seemed incomprehensible. Bad news: Sibling rivalry is inherently inevitable. The good news is that you can manage them in a way that reduces conflicts.
Before we talk about how to reduce tension between siblings, let’s talk about why this rivalry arises.
The psychology of sibling rivalry
Siblings don’t fight all the time because they just annoy each other. Children – especially in early and middle childhood – are constantly trying to figure out where they fit into the world and into their own family. Are they smart, athletic, or fun? As Jessica Grose writes for the New York Times :
Psychologically, sibling rivalry serves a developmental purpose: it helps children understand what is unique and special about them, also called ” differentiation .” Children want their parents to think they are the most special, so they will “always insist on perks” over their siblings, [Jeanine] Vivona [a professor of psychology at a New Jersey college who studied sibling rivalry,] said … But they can also shape their interests and personalities based on the skills and desires of their siblings.
In fact, children may avoid activities or roles that their siblings play because competition is about who they are as individuals. At the same time, they often struggle for the time and positive attention of their parents, which leads to conflicts. (Oh, Mom loves your work, huh? Maybe that’s why I suddenly want to tear them up.)
So what do you do about it?
Don’t compare them to each other.
When one child is doing well in school and the other does not even want to take his assignments home with him, it is tempting to say something like, “Why can’t you try harder at school like your brother?” However, this is not a motivating feeling for the child, and it only serves as additional proof that the other child is actually your favorite.
Focus as much as possible on the strengths and good qualities of each child. And when there is something you want them to work on, be it diligence in school or behavior at home, talk to them about it only in the context of their particular situation, and not in comparison with their brother or sister.
Also, if possible, punish them in private, out of earshot of their brother or sister. Children use the criticism of their siblings’ parents against them (either by bullying them or using the opportunity to command them), and this is less than helpful. On the other hand, when you see them helping or getting along with each other, compliment both of them to encourage this behavior.
Watch for patterns in conflicts
Chances are, there are certain situations that are more likely to inflame their temper. Maybe they have a lot of fights after school when they’re moody, hungry, and struggling to control the TV. Children really need to learn how to deal with their own arguments , but if you know that certain circumstances can lead to fights, try to be more present during this time to help them deal with the conflict, or establish new ground rules to try to resolve them. avoid it completely.
Have fun activities with the whole family on a regular basis
Having one-on-one interaction with each child is great, but the same can be said for choosing activities that the whole family enjoys doing together and doing them regularly. Maybe you’re all into board games, mini golf, or the family movie show. Even if you have to argue a little (or a lot) about which game, which movie, or who will get the blue golf ball, it is important for siblings to have frequent positive experiences together in order to balance those fights.
Also, avoid pitting them against each other at all costs. It may be tempting to organize “fun” little “competitions” with each other, such as “who will clean their toys faster?” But the last thing you want to do is create more competition between them than what already exists. Instead, invite them to work together, asking them to put away all the toys in the race against the clock together.
wait
After you’ve done all of this, the next step is to wait for them to get older. I know this isn’t particularly helpful, but as kids get into adolescence and become adults themselves, their relationships often go from competitive to more intimate and supportive. Children fight incredibly often when they are young and become tough thieves when they get older. So, as long as you pay attention and do your best to treat every child fairly, chances are good that in the end everything will be fine.