How Men Can Tell Other Men About Sexual Harassment
Not all men are guilty of sexually harassing women in and outside the workplace. But all men have an important role to play in broader efforts to combat harassment of women, and it all starts with simply talking about the issue with other men.
Failure to condemn sexual harassment – be it verbal abuse or outright physical abuse – can portend dire consequences for those close to you, as comedian Daniel Sloss explained in his 2019 HBO special comedy series. He speaks plainly about a male friend who raped his girlfriend and how he did nothing about the myriad warning signs that foreshadowed this terrible event. He could have acted, perhaps simply by saying something to his male friend, who often displayed several red flags, but instead ignored the danger.
Given the pervasiveness of sexual harassment and assault around the world, according to 2010 data compiled by the National Sexual Abuse Resource Center, nearly one in five women in the United States will experience sexual violence in their lifetime. Sloss’s words are a stern warning.
As Sloss notes, the process of depriving sexual harassment of his normality begins with the fact that men talk about it, rather than ignore it. Here’s how to get started.
Hear when women share their experiences
One way for men to fully understand the pervasiveness of sexual harassment in society is to listen when women talk about their experiences. According to Dr. Heather Stevenson , a clinical psychologist specializing in male issues, communication with women can become insidious in nature, which is not possible in discussions with men.
She tells Lifehacker:
If you come from genuine curiosity and openness, this will usually meet with receptivity, and if you hear direct stories from people you know, it is likely to have a greater impact on how you process information. If you are not yet comfortable starting up a conversation with the woman in your life, watch one of these videos where women record their experiences of walking down the street and being harassed by men. Then use that as a start with someone you know.
Men cannot rationalize the scale of global harassment – whether on the street, on the Internet, behind closed doors in private homes, in the workplace and beyond – without hearing from women themselves. Listening to women can help men understand how people close to them may have endured this kind of harassment for years – perhaps by nudging them into action.
Act with male allies
In addition to talking to women, men can go from unsuspecting bystanders to allies by speaking openly when they witness other men’s misbehavior. Regular communication with people is helpful and necessary, and men should constantly point out incidents of misogyny expressed by their friends, family, and colleagues.
But work becomes more effective when people are united with others who are dedicated. The University of Southern California School of Social Work encourages men to “maintain ongoing dialogue with friends, peers and family members, with the ultimate goal of encouraging more people to become active allies in this endeavor.”
For his part, Dr. Stevenson recommends several more targeted advice, pointing to such organizations as the “call to men” and ” Enough men “, as specific resources. She tells Lifehacker that men should consult with these groups as they will allow them to “find other men who may already have these types of conversations or are open to such conversations to continue and deepen their work.”
When it comes to casual friendships, Dr. Stevenson makes a clear distinction between positioning yourself as an educator and simply questioning comments that you might find inappropriate.
“We don’t need you to always take on the role of teacher with other men, although it is encouraged when you do,” she says. “But we really need you to at least take on the role of questioning or rejecting comments / conversations” that perpetuate harmful beliefs about women.
Rethink how sex is talked about
Much of the day-to-day misogyny woven into today’s social fabric begins with how men socialize. Much of this is shaped by the media and the way women have been hypersexualized to combine stereotypical masculine tastes. To help a wider range of men understand that their concept of femininity was engineered by a culture that positions women as objects that exist only in relation to men, men need to abandon how they were taught to talk about sex. …
As Dr. Stevenson explains, men should question popular images portrayed in advertisements, films, and pornography that openly sexualize women:
When the programming we all undergo only portrays stereotyped roles, we all become passively conditioned to take on these beliefs and therefore to act empowered in response to these messages. The problem really is that we don’t stop to wonder what we’re being fed, why, and who’s delivering these messages.
When men begin to understand that the portrayal of women in the media is a fabricated ideal, it will help to weaken the persistent impact of the problem. Fortunately, if you are a man who wants to help make a difference, there are relatively simple ways you can contribute. This is absolutely essential.