How to Win the Favor of Other People’s Significant Friends
It can feel like a commitment to be good and to bond with your significant other’s friends. Naturally, you want to establish rapport with someone who is close to the one you love, but this is often not easy. You may not be crazy about some of the people in your partner’s social orbit. Or maybe your partner’s friends are skeptical of you, considering you an unwelcome intruder in a previously established group of friends.
If the latter situation ever happens, you should always stretch out the olive branch and try to befriend these people, even if they don’t greet right away. You don’t have to take them out on a “date with friends,” where you make some sort of peace treaty. Rather, you can try to attract them to you by conscientiously trying to get to know them better and generally doing your best.
Show that you care about your partner
Perhaps this person is skeptical about your intentions when it comes to your relationship. It is clear that people can protect their friends. It is possible that your significant other’s friends will not see the textbook example of an outstanding partner when they see you, even if you are.
To this end, show them that you support your partner. Dr. Paulette Sherman , psychologist and author of Dating From Within , says showing your partner in tandem with a sincere effort to befriend his friends has a rewarding effect.
She tells Lifehacker:
It’s great to go the extra mile for your partner as if he were for you. If a friend is important to your partner, then it’s great to make an effective effort to get to know him better, be friendly, and make him feel welcome. People want to be loved, and sometimes friends feel threatened when their good friends enter a new serious relationship and they may feel like something is changing or not being accepted. You can set the tone by showing up and making an effort.
You don’t need to talk about how much you like your partner, lyrically talk about his talents, or shower him with compliments. You don’t want to look like you are performing. Rather, show a passion for what your partner is passionate about. Demonstrate a desire to improve their lives by supporting what they love. This means coming to events that they can participate in, or giving them thoughtful birthday gifts.
If your dedication and commitment is obvious enough, any skepticism will likely disappear.
Don’t try too hard
You have to be yourself. Perhaps your partner’s friends are acting unfairly, and any important offers you make will go unnoticed anyway. But if this is common skepticism, don’t go too far to curry favor. It gets transparent pretty quickly when you make explicit attempts to please someone. This can easily seem insincere, especially when the person you are trying to reach already has some concerns about you.
To this end, Sherman recommends dropping your ego. She advises:
You can’t guess why the friend might be skeptical – he may have had a bad breakup or he was going through the loss of a friend to his new girlfriend – all things that may have little to do with you. While you are not responsible for the baggage of your partners and friends, you can show kindness and contribute to building relationships. If you are responding defensively with your ego or expecting them to take the lead in improving things right off the bat, then you are not doing your part.
Let everything flow naturally. Most likely, they will see you in the right light over time, especially if you are kind and kind to both them and your partner.
Be straight
If someone is dismissive of you, you might be tempted to pay back. But you can gain good will by killing that person out of kindness. Ask them how they are. Make eye contact and smile. Remember if they mentioned something important the last time you saw them, and then clarify them. This will show that you are kind and conscientious, and this is exactly the person with whom someone wants to see their friend.
First of all, the guideline here is to demonstrate that you are a good second person who genuinely cares about your partner. If you do this, everything else can and should fall into place. If not, chances are your partner’s friend should reconsider his approach.
Understand the limits
Sherman notes that some attempts to make peace with a skeptical friend have limits. Perhaps this friend just has an ax that seems overwhelming. In this case, you can allow your partner to maintain a relationship with this person without you.
Sherman says:
If that friend humiliates you or is hostile after your efforts, it may be helpful to step back and allow your partner and them to have their own relationship, but it’s worth trying because all new relationships take effort, and building trust can take time.
Of course, you can always be polite with this person. But since any reconciliation depends on what the other person is doing, understand that there are limits to what you can achieve.