Everything You Need to Consider Before You Have Another Child
In many ways, deciding whether to have another child is even more difficult than deciding whether to have a first . This is much more difficult than asking, “Do we want more children and do we have enough money?” Adding another child is almost like starting a whole new family again. Here are a few things to keep in mind when pondering this difficult choice.
To be honest, a lot of people don’t struggle with this. They know how many children they want, or they just go with the flow and have as many children as they are going to give birth to. It’s great for them. This is, however, for most of us: Parents who are afraid of having another child or who may be faced with the prospect of calling are forever gone, if they have children at all. (When this biological clock is ticking, deciding not to have another child can be like slamming a door.) So let’s get into this internal tug-of-war.
Consider your current family dynamics
If you are anything like me, your first child turned your life upside down . It took several years before I learned to be a parent, and my family became a different, new and improved cohesive unit of three. After we finally figured out each other’s quirks, we became insiders, like all the best families. Thinking about attracting a stranger to this, even a newborn, is a very important decision.
Each additional pregnancy and each child calls into question the relationship and routine you have already established. The question arises: what are you ready for and what is your family ready for? You must consider both your children’s personality and your own.
One of my friends said that it seemed to him that he “won the children’s lottery” when his son turned out to be by nature a well-adjusted, happy boy, and having another would be like the temptation of fate, so he was afraid to even think about it. But I think that in his case it was a good argument in favor of choosing another child (if he wanted to) – he already had parenting practice and was ahead of everyone else with a frivolous child.
On the other hand, if you have a child that requires a lot of your attention, adding another one can cause more stress that you must consider – stress that affects not only you as a parent and individual, but also your relationship with partner and your other children.
In truth, adding another baby will be stressful and require more work, period. Everyone I spoke to who had more than one child confirmed that having two children is much more than twice as difficult.
But more kids can definitely improve your family. This is twice (or three times more) than laughter, emotions, surprises and, hopefully, love.
Rookie Moms suggests this exercise to make a realistic decision to add another “baby”:
I would also like to think about what each five-year period might look like with or without a different child – under 5, elementary school, high school, college – because it’s easy to focus on having another “child” and forget about that you follow another person in your family.
Another good tactic is to have a date or date with kids younger than you. How soon will children turn into unrecognizable tyrants? How long before you go crazy? The more you and your other family members put up with noisy and unpredictable situations, the better you are likely to be able to cope with more children.
Consider how many children you have
The number of children you have now can also play a big role in your decision. I live in an area where there are mostly families with several children, so I am often asked questions like, “Is she your only one?” and “Are you planning to have other children?” At the playground. I know they don’t want to sound rude, but there is an expectation here – as if one is not enough and I am not producing enough (or I need a spare child).
As someone who grew up with two siblings and wouldn’t be the same if they weren’t in my life, I really worry about raising “the one” (although she is adamant about not wanting to share me with a brother or sister). I’m worried that she’ll be lonely when she gets older, that she’ll be a burden to her when I’m old, and, as Tracy Moore says about Jezebel , even making these kinds of decisions that are so powerful. she was influenced. Despite my fears and stereotypes about a single only child, research shows that only children are as healthy and happy as everyone else, and there are benefits to being an only child . (There are benefits to having an only child, too, like you don’t have to hear the kids fight and you have more money.)
According to Gallup polls, most people think the ideal number of children is two, and according to the census, most parents have two children. In today’s economy and with the cost of childcare so high, two may be an affordable family limit. The relationship between your children will add a whole new dimension to your family, and you are likely to love your second child as passionately as you did your first. While your happiness and finances will be limited to your two kids in the first two years (especially for a mom, according to General Social Survey research ), in the long run, you may appreciate the latter option more. Karla Viking says on Mom.me :
With the second child, you are much more relaxed. You haven’t killed the first one, and you have a pretty good idea of what to expect. Once you’ve witnessed your first child grow and thrive thanks to you (and in spite of you), it will be easier for you to enjoy every stage of infancy without worrying about every little thing. And you are much more inclined to truly absorb each stage, because with a pain in your heart, you know how quickly they pass.
Hopefully they’ll be best friends when they grow up, but since you can’t guarantee that, experts suggest that you don’t have a second child just to give your first brother or sister.
If you are planning on having more children, a Today.com poll shows that having three children is the tipping point for the most difficult number of children. Going from one to two is more manageable than two to three. That makes sense, given that we only have two hands and the kids are now smaller than you and your partner. Now there is a middle child and hilarious quarrels to part as “two against one.” (I’m not sure about the math for adding extra kids. There should be a peak energy formula between kids and parents, but I couldn’t find one through Google. It looks like when you have four or five kids, older kids start looking at younger kids – or By then, you’ll be a pro in multitasking parenting, which’s like having a couple of kids.)
Getting the right number of children is also a matter of perspective: Kidspot notes that research shows that parents are happiest with one child, but Brian Kaplan, author of Selfish Reasons for More Children, says, “When you’re 60, you’ll be more. most likely he would prefer 10 sons and daughters to keep you company and make your grandchildren come. “
Think about the timing and health of the parents
Pregnancy and childbirth are natural stress for a mom, even if everything is going smoothly. If you have had complications in the past during pregnancy or childbirth, or if you are over 35, you may be more hesitant about having another baby. While there may be more risks associated with having a baby in these cases, these are just things that should be discussed with your doctor. Many women in such cases have healthy children. This is still under discussion and I know several moms who have refused to have additional children for medical reasons or because of problems with previous pregnancies. Sometimes, just trying to get pregnant has emotional consequences.
Plus, it takes many mums about two years to feel like themselves again, physically and in every other way. After enough time has passed, many women may simply want their bodies back and no longer bear children. (For the record, let’s just all agree that it’s not “selfish” for moms to base some of their decision on that.) Some people choose to have babies close together for this reason, combining years of diaper changes and bedtime. and “get it over with,” but that takes more hands-on work than having children of more different ages.
Babicenter has done some research on when is the best time to have a baby. As for family relationships: when your first child is less than a year old or more than four years old. But in terms of baby’s health: two to three years before you get pregnant again.
Remember your financial situation
Finally, money is not the only consideration, but it is one of the most important. As a parent, you already know how expensive it is to have children (but just to remind you, feeding, dressing, fostering, and otherwise raising a healthy child can cost over $ 10,000 a year). Some expenses come down with a second or extra child because you already have baby equipment and the like, but others, especially kindergarten, are huge expenses that you will have to plan for. This is another child to be saved for college while you are also trying to save money for retirement and possibly caring for your aging parents . USDA estimates that households with two parents and one child spend about 27 percent of their income on a child, while households with two parents and two children spend 41 percent of their income on children, and families with three children spend 47 percent. your income. income for their children.
An extra child can also have a greater impact on your career if it makes it harder for you to work full time when your second or third child arrives. Will you be able to take a part-time job or will one of the parents quit smoking for a few years if need be? If you temporarily quit your job to raise children, how much will it cost to postpone your career further?
You need to think a lot. As with the first child, there will always be doubts and what-ifs to confuse you. Try to imagine how you would feel if you knew you were pregnant today, or consider meditating to understand this decision . After all, the idea of ”complete” is individual for every parent and every family, so after all the discussion, you will have to make this very personal decision from the bottom of your heart.
This story was originally published in March 2015 and was updated on February 25, 2021 to follow the Lifehacker style guidelines.