What to Say to an Angry Person Instead of “calm Down”
Anger is an ironic state, and in a fit of frustration or anger, the last thing anyone needs is to “calm down.” When someone is nervous, this is the worst advice, even if it’s the only thing they need to do in order to more clearly comprehend the situation.
The sniper phrase “take it easy” often makes the frustrated person feel like they are hysterical or that their feelings are exaggerated. And while all parties usually need to be calm in order to achieve resolution, there are far more productive ways to tell someone that their anger is not helping.
Someone finds it difficult to calm down when they are told
Anger cloudes your ability to reason rationally and reason. This is an annoying fact of psychology, as a sense of personal aggravation tends to overwhelm your brain, releasing hormones like adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine in the process . The phrase “calm down” is more of an emotional trigger than a compassionate conflict resolution tool. In a blog post on her website, psychologist Susan Bernstein explains how “calm down” can be an emotional arousal for someone with a fire in their chest:
When someone is experiencing a lot of emotions, he cannot remain purely rational. During emotionally triggering events, the emotional centers of the brain dominate. Thus, until the emotion subsides, it is almost impossible to gain access to the centers of reasoning for logical conversation.
Saying “Take it easy” to an emotionally distraught, clearly upset employee, colleague, or client only adds even more fuel — in the form of shame — to that person’s emotional state.
This is not only rude, but also sophisticated. It may seem like you are implying that the offended person can flip a switch and be gentle if they want to, when you know perfectly well that they are not.
Try to validate your feelings without judging them.
The phrases “take it easy”, “relax” or “relax” acknowledge someone’s feelings while canceling them out at the same time. Part of achieving a solution involves a tricky split: on the one hand, someone has to filter out their own annoyance in order to communicate clearly, while explaining why they are angry.
Since “settling down” can often do more to make the other person feel incited, it’s best to try to articulate that you understand why that person might be angry. Many relationship experts agree that recognizing your partner – be it casual conversations about their day or the more serious existential dilemmas they may face – can be vital to longevity and happiness.
This is also true with regard to conflict resolution. The good news is that you can admit that someone is angry and at the same time confirm it. Instead of using aggressive words such as “calm down” or “relax,” take a more understanding approach by saying, “I can see that you are upset. I’m sorry you think so. Can we take some deep breaths and try to work it out together? “Or:” You have every right to be angry, but let’s try to discuss this when we are both in a freer space. “
Basically, you can say what you want, provided that you acknowledge two things: the other person’s feelings and the fact that you want to resolve the conflict peacefully.
This is especially annoying for women.
Women have long endured the condescension of men who love to use the old and sexist chestnut, that any woman in the midst of an emotional break must be crazy. This is an old lazy stereotype that rejects women’s emotions and portrays men as inherently rational. In fact, the very notion of “hysteria” derives from the culture of overtly sexist medical practice in the 18th century, and it is a sad fact that it has survived, at least in one form or another, to this day.
There are many ways to calm someone down, not really to mention the words “calm down”. So while this may sound a little ironic, there are many reasons why you should erase this phrase from your vocabulary of arguments.