How Not to Die Alone With Dating Coach Logan Urie
Dating is terrible. Sometimes it seems impossible to find someone you really like in the age of dating apps – and even more so during a pandemic. But don’t give up just yet, as this week’s guest has a few strategies that can make dating less frustrating.
This week we’re talking to dating coach Logan Urie, director of relationship science at Hinge and author of the new book, How Not to Die Alone: The Amazing Science to Help You Find Love . Hear Logan give us tips on how to customize your dating profile for maximum impact, what questions to ask on a date for a better conversation, and what to actually look out for when looking for a partner (hint: it’s not about the spark).
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Highlights from this week’s series
From an interview with Logan Urie:
On why you should forget about finding the “spark” early on in dating:
There are three main myths about the spark that I debunked in this book. First, the spark cannot grow over time. It is either there or not. And research shows that this is absolutely not the case. Many successful, happy couples say they didn’t feel love at first sight. Only 11 percent of people say it happened to them. And we know research supports the idea that people can grow on you over time … The second myth is that if you feel a spark, that’s good. And this is definitely not true. Some people are just very hot-tempered. They just arouse a lot of people. And maybe it’s because they are really attractive, or maybe because it’s very charming. We also see that sometimes this happens because they are narcissistic and very focused on making someone look like themselves. And attachment theory research shows that sometimes people confuse anxiety with chemistry. And so what’s really going on, you’re like this: will he call me back? Will he not? And that feeling of excitement is not something to optimize for. This is actually a sign that someone is simply not letting you know what they think of you. One last thing: if you have a spark, it will be a viable relationship. And it may sound surprising, but many couples stay together for the story of How We Met, or think it was so romantic that we were destined to be. This is clearly my soul mate. But who cares how you met? This is zero one percent of your relationship, isn’t it? … It just doesn’t determine the longevity or the success of your relationship. And so my advice in the book is to fuck the spark and switch to slow burning instead. And these are people who get better over time.
On why it is important not to speak too much in the text before a personal meeting:
You need to get to your date as soon as possible. And people do what is called a pen, when they match up in the app, go back and forth and keep talking. And in their thoughts: “Oh, I want to meet someone first. This is a security issue. I want to keep warm. ” But this is a mistake. And here’s the reason I call it the Monet effect: our brains have a natural tendency: when we get a blurry image of something, we fill in the blanks to make it more positive. So, let’s say Alice had “I like music” in her app and I go over to her. I say, “I bet she likes the same music that I do.” And I fill in the blanks to create this perfect image of her in my mind, to create this fantasy. And so, of course, I call it the Monet effect, because Monet painted these beautiful paintings that look great from afar. And then, as the movie Clueless says up close, it’s a big old mess. And you create this fantasy in your mind from afar. And this is what happens in the end: okay, I got close with Alice. I created this fantasy of her in my head. And then I date her, and Alice is great, and we’ll be a good couple. But since I have a fantasy about her that she does not meet, I am disappointed. And so the longer you write, the more stories you come up with in your head, the more confident you are that this particular thing is actually what actually puts you at a disadvantage … texting. You should get to your date as soon as possible.
How to set yourself up for a date:
Through my research, I’ve discovered that mindsets are everything. And whether you think the date will go well or you think the date will go badly, you’re right … And I recommend doing a pre-date ritual. And it could be taking a bath, calling your best friend, listening to your playlist, cycling, or something that takes you from work mode to a fresh, real date. And see if you have a Zoom from 5:00 PM to 6:00 PM, don’t go to the Zoom date at 6:00 AM. You’re just going to show up like it’s another work meeting and you’re in the mood for an interview.
For more dating advice from Logan, we highly recommend listening to the entire episode.
Any feedback or ideas for future episodes? Do you want to participate in the show? Leave us a voicemail at 347-687-8109 or send a voicemail to [email protected].