How to Gracefully Refuse a Date
Despite what we see in movies, dating isn’t always a magical and flattering experience. In fact, chances are good that you are not actually interested in this person and are not interested in communication or a romantic relationship with him. Having said that, turning down someone is never easy either, especially if you are caught off guard.
When this happens, you may feel embarrassed, say something stupid, or even unintentionally hurt someone. These tips will do little after the fact, but they are good advice to keep in mind so that you are ready to handle it flawlessly next time.
Here are some tips on how to easily let people down when you’re not feeling a love affair.
Be honest, fast and direct
It’s embarrassing to refuse someone, especially if they are making some crazy romantic gesture, but honesty is the best policy when you want to keep people from getting too much pain. First, you need to be honest with yourself. Everyone deserves a chance, but sometimes you just know it won’t work, so if you don’t feel any connection, it’s best not to delay because you want to be good. Don’t agree to a date out of pity – it can be a waste of your time and the other person can get more traumatized in the process.
Second, be honest with them. Heather Wyets, Marriage & Family Therapist at PreEngaged, recommends sharing it the way it is:
Don’t make up lies, but be mercifully honest. If you already have a boyfriend or girlfriend, let the person know. If you don’t have a loved one, but you are still not interested, tell him the truth. You can just say, “No thanks.” If that’s true, you can tell him or her that you just aren’t interested in dating someone right now.
You don’t have to explain to them, but if you really have a good reason, there is nothing wrong with mentioning it. When it comes to rejecting someone, it’s always better to be active than passive. Contact him as soon as you have the opportunity; don’t hesitate, avoid confrontation, and just assume that they will “take the hint” eventually. Say a definite no so both of you can move on.
Treat them the way you would like to be treated
A straight “no” can seem pretty harsh if not handled tactfully, so always try to apply the golden rule in these situations. There is no reason to be offended or act like you feel disgusted (unless they are intentionally insulting or disgusting). It’s flattering when asked out on a date, so be polite and at least show appreciation for the thought . Remember, it takes a lot of courage to approach someone, especially in person.
Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, invites you to show them the same respect you would like if things changed. Always be mindful of your tone, stay calm and gentle, and make sure you still speak confidently.
Finally, keep the situation to yourself. If you are in a group or have the same friends, do not tell everyone what happened. If you’ve turned someone down, they already feel rejected and they don’t need to add embarrassment to the list.
Use “I” affirmations to keep you self-conscious.
If you decide to explain to someone why they are not interesting to you, try to keep the reasoning about yourself and not about the other person. Listing the reasons why they do not “meet the requirements” can seem rude, condescending, and also undermine their confidence in approaching people in the future. Susan Roen, communications specialist and author of What Do I Say Next? , recommends using the “I” operators instead. Here are some examples:
- I can’t see you like that, I’m sorry.
- I really enjoyed talking to you, but I don’t feel the connection between us.
- I’m trying to go about my business right now, so I don’t want to meet anyone.
- I think you’re doing well, but I’m looking for something else right now.
You are not humiliating them or putting yourself above them, you are simply explaining your point of view. Think of it as a warning speech: “It’s not you, it’s me.” Only in this way no one will suffer so much.
Make things clear and final
When you say no to someone, do it politely, but make sure they know it’s final. Don’t keep people hooked. You might think that you are behaving well by saying “let’s be friends” or “why don’t we get to know each other first,” but it’s only going to explode in your face if that’s not what you mean. …
On her blog, author Marcella Purnama explains that there is no need to be overly empathetic or friendly after the fact:
After being rejected, the door is sometimes not yet completely closed and can be opened by the slightest friendly action … Don’t let him think there is still hope when there is none.
No need to make calls, text messages, or even be Facebook friends if you don’t want to. Dating expert Christie Hartman, Ph.D. – explains, – only say “let’s be friends” if you really want it and have very good reason to believe that it will work. If not, it can confuse them; they may think that your first “no” simply means “not now.” If you don’t like them, treat them with respect and let them know that this will never happen.
For online dating: Messages should be short (or not reply at all)
If you are dating online most of the time, things might be different. People online have no idea who you really are, and most people reach out to as many people as possible, so they don’t invest it in you. Because of this, April Beyer , personal matchmaker and relationship consultant, says it’s okay not to respond at all:
Resist the pressure to respond or refuse every time you are contacted. You will never have enough time! Only write a kind note to someone who has taken the time to write you a real and genuine note. Winks, pokes and likes about your photos don’t count. This is a lazy approach, so it doesn’t deserve your time.
They’ve probably already moved on to the next match, so why waste time explaining to both of them? Of course, if you still want to be good, there is nothing wrong with that, and there are many ways to tell them that you are not interested. Guyliner at the Huffington Post recommends one of these versatile but kind answers:
“Thank you for your interest. I’m chatting with a couple of other people right now who seem to be more of what I’m looking for. Good luck in finding! “
“I looked at your profile, and while you look like a really tough guy, I’m not sure if we fit together, so I don’t think we should go on a date. I don’t want us to waste each other’s time. “
“I kind of noticed someone on the site and I don’t think it would be fair to meet with you while I’m still working. I hope you find what you are looking for. “
They now know the door is closed and you can feel better without ignoring someone completely.
Remember: you don’t owe a person anything.
Yes, we mentioned this earlier, but it’s worth repeating: just because someone asked you out doesn’t mean you have to say yes. Your time and energy are precious things and you might not want to waste them on another person. It is gracious to tell someone that this is a perfectly normal and appropriate reaction, and if they cannot accept it, it is definitely a sign that you have made the right decision.
This story was originally published in June 2015 and was updated on January 11, 2021 in line with Lifehacker’s style guidelines.