Don’t Read Your Child’s Diary
When our children are young, we share many of their innermost thoughts. In fact, it’s not unusual for preschoolers to voice almost every thought in real time, a kind of continuous dialogue about what’s going on in their brains, which can be both sweet and tedious at the same time. However, at some point, young children turn into older children and decide they don’t want to tell us everything . Or even a lot.
It is at this point, often in your teens, that you want them to start chatting again. Now their silence or monosyllabic answers make you yearn for more. You may notice that while they don’t tell you much, they write a lot in their diary; maybe you will take a look – just to make sure everything is in order. As one self-proclaimed “curious” parent wrote in Slate’s grooming and feeding tips column:
My daughter is 10 years old, she is in the fifth grade. In September, she went to a new school where she didn’t know anyone. I am sure that it is quite consistent with her age, she tells me almost nothing about her life. Many of my questions can be answered in one word. But she writes in her diary every night. And although I don’t have any particular problems other than the general anxiety that arises in the modern world when I raise a fifth-grade girl, I think that if I read her diary, I would understand what is happening and could be more responsive. and a responsive parent.
Do not stop. Do not do it.
Of course, any parent who looks at their child’s diary can better understand what’s going on. But you would also betray your child’s privacy – and their trust in you – in the process. The general anxiety about raising a child in “today’s world”, while understandable, is not a reason to sneak up and read their personal reflections; general anxiety about raising a child in the modern world means that you need to … raise him.
To do this, first stop asking ordinary questions that require monosyllabic answers. For generations, parents have asked the same question every day (“How was school?”) And received the same answer (“Good”). Your question is boring and deserves a boring answer.
Instead, ask what they did during the break. Ask if the food in the new school cafeteria is better or worse than in the old school. Ask what they are working on in art class (or other subject or extracurricular activity that you know they enjoy). Or, as Michelle Herman suggests in her Slate column , create opportunities for you to connect with them or let them relax, such as on a long car trip or a shared activity that you both enjoy.
If you want to read their words, but not shit, start a conversation diary with them. They may find it easier to open up to you with words on the page than with words spoken aloud, but let them choose what to reveal.
If you’re tempted to open their diary for even a quick glance, remember that journaling has many benefits for kids. This helps them not only to practice and improve their writing, but also provides an opportunity to identify, explore and process their feelings and experiences. Finding that these personal inner thoughts have been stolen not only threatens to ruin your relationship with your child, but it can also make him hesitate to put his thoughts and feelings on paper again, depriving them of an incredible tool for developing emotional reflection and regulation.
Also, as Kwame Anthony Appiah, a philosophy professor and writer, writes to another parent in the New York Times :
Children live to maturity for a couple of hundred thousand years, and their parents do not intrude on their innermost thoughts. This may not be necessary. Leave her diary alone.
This curious parent at Slate also asks if I have “a way to get her permission or even ask her to screw it up?” Take a big, deep breath. If the child did not ask you to read from his diary or donate it for review, do not ask to read it. If they wanted to share with you, they would have done so already. If you ask and they say no, they may worry that you think they are hiding something nefarious from you; or worse, they may feel as though they should say yes and uncover words that they only meant for themselves.
They don’t deserve it. Do not do this.
The only time you can justify spying on their personal pages is if you really suspect that their safety is in danger – for example, if you suspect that they are being sexually assaulted, or if you are deeply concerned about their mental health and are concerned. that they can hurt themselves. But in the vast majority of cases, some vague feeling “I think they might be upset about something” is not a reason to invade their privacy.