Should I Keep an Eye on Who My Nephews Are Playing With on the Internet?

The worries about how our kids and teens will navigate an online world full of images, language, and people we’d rather never meet is not limited to parents. Many other adults in their lives, from teachers and mentors to aunts and uncles, also feel responsible for the safety of children as they slowly but surely begin to develop their digital lives. One such uncle wrote to Parental Advisory to ask how closely he should keep track of who his teenage nephews are playing online with.

Here is his question:

I have been playing online games with my two 13 year old nephews for about a year now. I live in New York and they are in Texas, so I bought them a PlayStation + subscription for Christmas so we can spend time together – it allows them to play all of their games online, not just Fortnite. And it works great! We play together every week and they often play with my friends and meet some professional players they like. It also showed them the adult nature of my friends, which I can usually handle when we’re online together.

But I recently noticed that some of the more casual adults are becoming more regular playmates with my nephews – for example, they will continue to play with each other when I’m offline myself. I’m not worried about my personal friends – they are great and care about the way they interact with 13-year-olds – but my nephews are making a list of friends of adult players whom I personally don’t know, with whom they play more and more often.

Online gaming makes my nephews’ friends more anonymous, but I can still see their friends list. Should I track their usernames? Or should I just focus on teaching them politeness and how to best navigate the web? When I was a kid, my parents had an idea of ​​which kids had a bad reputation or reputation due to problems at school, and although I cannot know the real names now, I can know the usernames. Is it worth tracking? Hulp!

Your question struck me like that, because my son is 10 years old, and we are just beginning to master the world of multiplayer online games. Right now, he plays mostly with real-life friends, but sometimes with a random online friend as well. And I know that this growth will only grow. He tells me about these new friends, but it’s much harder to keep track of who “RagingTurtle375” is compared to Josh on his soccer team. So I turned to Dr. Sarah Domoff , a clinical child psychologist who specializes in children’s media. And she said that you are already doing more of the right thing than you think.

For starters, when we talk about helping kids navigate the online world, Domoff says it’s important to take a holistic approach. Knowing or somehow keeping track of who your kids (or, in your case, your nephews) are spending time with is a small piece of a much larger digital literacy puzzle. And in a sense, the approach we take in helping them learn to network safely is not much different from helping them learn to act independently in the real world.

I mean, your nephews might have pals in your neighborhood or school that you don’t particularly care about – kids who use foul language, have bad attitudes, engage in risky behaviors, often get into trouble, or otherwise from a negative atmosphere … For adults to influence their lives, it is necessary not so much to manage these particular relationships, but to teach them how to manage them. How to respond to abusive or intimidating behavior, what to do when someone is misbehaving, where to go when you need help, and how to stay safe are the things we need to teach them about their online and offline life.

“I think the great thing is that he knows what his nephews are up to and finds a way to connect with them through play,” says Domoff, who is also director of the Family Health Lab at Central Michigan University . “This is definitely what we urge parents, other caregivers and other family members to do. If your kids or teens are playing games, learn about or join games. Become a part of it and then provide them with support so they can navigate these situations on the Internet. “

If (when) teens or teenagers begin to play an online game, it is important to remember that in fact is not whether they will face something inappropriate or someone with nefarious intentions; it’s a question when. It is important to maintain an open dialogue with them about these situations, including discussing the capabilities of specific platforms to report violent behavior – this is another reason it is helpful to know what they are playing.

You will also want to talk about who they can turn to (you!) If they are unsure of what to do and how you will help them, be it brainstorming or trying to figure out what other protective actions you can take. take together. And – this is key, says Domoff – be sure to stress that talking to you about what they are experiencing will not result in them losing those gaming privileges. As long as they are acting properly and following the platform’s rules, you do not want to take their games away; you want to help them in a fun and safe way.

But as I said earlier, digital literacy and internet safety are not just about who they talk to or who they play with; It takes a lot more to develop healthy habits. It’s also about balancing their online life with other interests – making sure they’re engaging in hobbies or off-screen activities and highlighting the importance of getting out. It’s also important to talk to young players about the financial components and structure of any game they play, Domoff said.

“We want young gaming people to really be aware of some of the different mechanisms in games that encourage spending and contribute to longer gaming experiences,” she says. “And so in addition to knowing what your teen sees in play and who he talks to, we also need to consider the financial dimension.”

There is a lot about it and it can be difficult to know where to start and how to get all this conversation going, but there are many great resources out there. Common Sense Media has in-depth reviews of almost all of the most popular multimedia and video games, so you can find detailed information on gaming-related issues, parental controls, and reporting capabilities here. (Here’s their Fortnite guide, for example .)

Domoff also recommends the Children and Screen YouTube channel , where experts cover various topics of digital literacy and the impact of technology on children’s health and well-being. Her own website also has lists of helpful articles on these topics.

So, to answer your question: do you need to keep track of your nephews’ online friends lists? No, not really. You just need to continue to be the caring, engaged uncle you already are, form healthy play habits, and maintain them as they begin to navigate difficult situations.

Do you have a parental dilemma? Send your questions to [email protected] with “Parental Advice” in the subject line.