How to Fix One-Sided Friendships
You can spend hours staring at your phone, waiting for a message to be answered. Maybe they are discussing you with friends or in a group chat. Or perhaps their attention is distracted and their gaze is diverted when you speak.
One-sided friendships can be a painful reality, and the pandemic has particularly exacerbated many relationships as we adapt to new forms of communication. However, being aware of the situation is the first step towards fixing a relationship or being able to abandon it altogether. Here are several ways to find out if a relationship is suffering from one-way traffic and several ways to directly address these situations.
They are always late
A little late is understandable, especially if there is a reasonable explanation. But forcing a friend to wait for a long time can demonstrate a blatant disregard for their time and feelings, especially if it is done on a regular basis.
Chronic lateness is a more complex problem than many of us think, but at some level it can convey feelings of selfishness and lack of respect for friends.
If this is a sticking point in one of your friendships, it might be a good idea to let them know why it sucks to seemingly aimlessly wait for someone to show up. Do this not about them, but about your feelings and experiences.
They never seem to listen
There is a reason active listening is associated with strong friendships. If it seems like your friend’s attention is always getting distracted at a crucial moment, that’s a good sign that the person cannot give you time, perhaps when you need it most.
On the contrary, active listening – making eye contact and continuing the conversation – is the hallmark of great friendships that fosters understanding and goodwill.
As writes the founder of a startup Thomas Oppong in a post on Medium:
People who know how to make friends listen intelligently – they pay attention to the meaning of the other person’s words. They ask open-ended questions such as “What was that for you?” to continue the conversation. And they also use their body language to add energy to any conversation – even if you are listening carefully, you have to show people that you are listening to them.
If your friend interrupts you or seems to be distracted by the phone or something else, perhaps ask them to focus a little more on you. There is nothing wrong with insisting on saying something important as long as you do it in a friendly manner. Letting your friend know that you want to be heard shows that you value their thoughts and think their input is important.
It’s hard for them to say “thank you”
Gratitude is the key to maintaining any relationship. If you do something nice for a friend and he doesn’t acknowledge your sacrifice, it can definitely cause resentment.
On the contrary, gratitude can help a relationship flourish. As psychologists Eric Pedersen and Debra Lieberman write :
A large body of research has shown that gratitude helps us establish, maintain, and strengthen our relationships. Gratitude can make our romantic relationships more intimate and more fulfilling , make us feel more interested in friendships, and even encourage us to be more helpful colleagues .
This can be tricky and you can seem hurt if you don’t address it diplomatically. If you feel that your friend does not appreciate your service or sacrifice, you may consider writing him an unbiased note, again turning the issue solely around your own feelings. You could write, “This favor was not easy to do, and I am always pleased to hear that he was appreciated.”
They don’t seem to care what happens in your life.
In an ideal world, we develop relationships with people we truly care about. If your friend is not around to celebrate milestones with you, or he is not very enthusiastic about professional or personal accomplishment, it could be a sign that he is not really interested in your life.
As Omar Itani writes in a Medium post :
They are interested in your challenges and difficulties to see how they can help you overcome them, as well as your triumphs and successes, to see how they can join in the celebration.
Model the type of interest you want your friend to take in your life by making sure you take a clear interest in their interests. If you do decide to talk about their lack of perceived interest, use your own behavior as a guide for what you would like to receive in return. And if someone does not ask you about what is happening in your life, still talk about yourself. If you have heard someone talk about what is happening to them, even if you are not particularly interested, you should show the same courtesy.
They are competitive
No friendship should be perceived as a competition. Comparison, which is closely related to the concept of competitive relations, is considered a toxic concept in psychology . If you feel like your friend is trying to surpass you every time you succeed in achieving something, or is immediately directing the conversation towards himself and his own ambition, this is a good sign that the relationship has soured.
This is a little easier given that a friend’s motivation to compete can actually be driven by insecurity. Remind them that you are on the same team and share your successes by being close friends. You could approach this directly, perhaps with a lighthearted tone, by saying something like, “This is not a competition, I’m so happy you were able to do it.”
You can’t rely on them
Everyone needs a helping hand sometimes, and best friends are there to provide support when you need it. If you need help moving or watering your plants while on vacation, a good friend doesn’t think twice to make time to help you. If your friend always has an excuse or seems disinterested in helping, it could be a sign that he just doesn’t care.
If, for example, your friend decides to go to a party instead of helping you move after you’ve previously helped him, you can sit down and deal with the situation directly. You might say, “I helped you move, and I just didn’t feel like I was being given the same when I needed help.”
No two friendships are alike, and these examples really only clear the surface of the complexities that permeate human relationships. But if you find yourself bumping into some of them on a regular basis, make sure you try to address them directly. If that doesn’t work, it might be time to rethink if this friendship is worth the emotional loss.