How to Deal With Bullying As an Adult

If you associate bullies with playgrounds and elementary school, that means you probably haven’t encountered one as an adult. Unfortunately, some people never stop being jerks and continue to haunt them into adulthood. Here are some tips on how to understand and deal with bullies, no matter how old you are.

What adult bullying looks like

You may not be crammed into your locker by a pack of soccer players anymore, but adult bullies can still act in a similar fashion. However, what is more frustrating for adult bullies is that they are much better at hiding what they do. An adult bully is much more cunning than “cheering” them, “it’s so cool” teenage peers. They know how to poke and stab without attracting the attention of their superiors. Worse, they can be your boss . We spoke to all of this with Roger S. Gil, a clinically trained marriage and family therapist , and he explains:

In adulthood, many bullies have power over their victims. I have often seen adult bullies who are in leadership positions at work. The difference in power often contributes to their aggressive behavior, because they may feel that their weaker subordinates are really powerless to do anything.

In fact, many adults don’t even realize they are being bullied. Yes, it can take semi-obvious forms, such as joking jokes or annoying friends that “you think you can handle this,” but it can also be completely out of your sight.

Since your career takes up most of your time as you get older, you are more likely to face adult bullying in the workplace. According to Kenneth Dodge, Ph.D., Mark Brackett, Ph.D., and Jaana Juvonen, Ph.D. of This Emotional Life magazine , workplace bullying can be difficult if you’re not looking for it. Here are some less obvious examples:

• Ignoring : This can mean “silent treatment”, refusing to help you when asked, not responding to your attempts to communicate (phone calls, emails), disconnecting you while you are talking, or even keeping you out of the loop for social events. work-related.
• Disrespecting your time : Deliberately being late to meetings, not being able to convey what they have said, or delaying your requests for help from others are all good examples.
• Tinkering with your work : This can take the form of sabotaging your ideas or projects, denying you the praise you deserve, getting your work credit, making you the scapegoat for workplace problems, or even refusing to acknowledge your ideas at all.

Simple yet very subtle things like undermining everything you do may seem insignificant, but it is grief that you shouldn’t deal with as an adult. Of course, there are more obvious things, such as exposing you in front of others, playing tricks on you, launching false rumors, and even sexual harassment (the latter of which you should definitely report if this happens to you. ).

If you’re still not sure what adult bullying looks like, there is perhaps no better example than thecharacter Jerry Gergich from the TV show Parks and Recreation . In the series, everything is for comedy, but each of Gergich’s colleagues is guilty of mocking him at one point or another. All of them would probably argue that they were his friends, but if you were in Jerry’s shoes, you probably wouldn’t feel that way. This can be a big problem when dealing with an adult bully. They do not consider themselves to be bullies and may even consider you a buddy. To solve this problem, you need to find out what drives them.

Understand their motivation

Adult bullies act for the same reasons as child bullies: they try to make up for their own shortcomings. As psychotherapist Janice Harmon of Psych Central suggests , bullying isn’t about you. You don’t have problems, so never take bullying personally. Similarly, Gil explains:

Every bully I consulted had serious security problems. This is often because they have been mistreated or made to feel in some way inadequate, and the easiest way to feel empowered is to choose someone they consider weaker.

It is very important that you understand this before you do anything else – both for your own well-being and so that you can start looking for the right way to solve the problem. Bullying may be targeting you, but the first step to fighting it is knowing that you are not doing anything wrong . If anything, it means you are doing something right! Bullies want power and control over you because they lack it in some aspects of their own lives. For instance:

• They may feel like they are not getting enough grades at work, or they may think that you are getting too many grades at work.
• They may be jealous of your family or home life, or frustrated that they don’t have the personal relationship you do.
• They may feel threatened by your talent or ability, or they may hate the fact that your career is progressing and they are stuck.

Separate from the bully

As an adult, you have much more control over the situation than you did as a child. You may not be able to “tell the teacher,” but you can also choose how you spend your time. You are not necessarily stuck with them like you were in a school situation. If you’re not looking for any kind of confrontation, Gil recommends some simple “avoidance strategies”:

Avoidance strategies can be as simple as increasing your privacy on social media, ensuring that you are not alone with the bully, or devising an escape plan in case the bully tries to corner you. While the passive approach may not be the most popular, it may be the only course of action for some people who feel they cannot deal with bullying directly.

You can also ask your boss to move your desk or stop working. Generally speaking, if you have an opportunity to get away from them, take it. It won’t work every time, but at least this is a start.

Stop playing the victim

This tactic is old but useful: stop playing your victim. The bully singled you out because he thinks you are weak and vulnerable. As Gil explains, they are looking for someone with some trait they can use:

Bullies can stalk a “short” girl, a “fat” guy, an “ugly” child, etc., because they feel they can target a person in an area where they are most unsafe. Some bullies will target someone they consider to be an “alpha” (such as a popular girl, handsome guy, etc.) in order to boost their ego. This strategy serves a social purpose as the bully tries to establish power so that no one else tries to push him.

Bullies are looking for people who are willing to submit to their power game. Making it as if the bully’s actions and words don’t bother you will ruin them. Try to keep your ego in check and let it all take over . For instance:

• If someone keeps making fun of your account, laugh with them.
• If someone makes a sarcastic fake compliment, thank them.
• When someone says something rude, pretend you didn’t hear them.
• If someone keeps repeating the same mistake or accident that you made, tell them that it doesn’t matter to you anymore.
• Keep a cool head if you’re doing something awkward to keep them out of fuel.

When you stop being a victim, every attempt by the bully becomes uncomfortable for them, not for you. Remember, most bullies just want you to stand up to feel like they’re in control. The less sophisticated and aggressive they are, the easier it is to deal with them. Call them a bully in your mind and deliberately avoid their bait. They may be aggressive, but they are probably lazy too, so over time they will lose interest and look for a “weaker” target.

To take a position

Some bullies may need a little more strength. If the bully continues to push you despite your best efforts, you need to fight back. Not physically, of course, but verbally. If there is anything that bullies hate more than someone ignores their malice, it’s someone who opposes them. Gil suggests the best way to do this is to point out their behavior:

Assuming the abuser is nonviolent and unlikely to find another way to harm you, you can sometimes confront him by pointing out that his behavior is bullying. Do not provoke them, but at the same time, ask yourself about their motives and what purpose of pursuing someone who did not harm them is serving them. This shows that you are not afraid to challenge them and, if necessary, force them to defend.

Many bullies will back down at the first sign of resistance, so this can be very effective. However, if you are going to shout at them about their actions, make sure you do it right. Here are some suggestions:

• Prepare for the meeting : Harmon invites you to prepare what you want to say specifically, as well as where you want to say it. Having a plan will help you slightly reduce the anxiety you may be feeling and also provide a safe approach to the situation.
• Don’t attack them : Therapist Roni Weisberg-Ross of Good Therapy recommends standing up for yourself calmly and confidently. Avoid emotional distress and exacerbation of the situation. If you don’t think you’re ready, focus on not giving them the reaction they want right now.
• Be specific : Livestrong’s Holly L. Roberts explains that it is important to clarify the problem. Avoid general requests such as “stop bullying me,” and tell them specifically what they are doing, what is wrong.

Also, make sure you decide if you want to handle this privately or with other people. This usually depends on the severity of the bullying, so you should feel it for yourself. A bully who just wants to laugh, or someone who doesn’t realize he is a bully is best handled privately, so neither of you should be embarrassed. However, the more serious bully is best dealt with with the help of friends or coworkers. You don’t want to lump them together, but having others in there can help prevent the situation from escalating.

Tell someone who can help

Despite your best efforts, some bullies won’t give up easily. When things have gone too far and it seems like you can’t get rid of them, it’s time to send in some big artillery. As Gil explains, your safety should be your number one concern. Don’t let your pride get in the way of getting the help and protection you deserve, especially as Gil points out when the situation reaches dangerous levels:

It goes without saying that any perceived physical threat must be handled through local law enforcement or other community resources. Some bullies are dangerous and may need legal intervention (such as a restraining order, police statement, etc.) to reduce the risk of harm.

This also applies to bullies in the workplace. You don’t have to put up with a toxic work environment , so reach out to people in your area for help in the following situations:

If bullying occurs at work, many HR departments have policies that address bullying in the workplace. The most obvious way to deal with a bully is to confront him, but this is not always possible (in the traditional sense) if the bully is your manager at work. Again, contacting HR after documenting the bullying and following company policy to resolve the situation is key (I’ve found that using the term “hostile work environment” often forces HR to address your complaint pretty quickly … at least here in the US ).

So if you run into a bully as an adult, know that you have several tools and strategies that can help: you don’t have to sit and accept.

This story was originally published in August 2015 and was updated on December 1, 2020 to update outdated links and revise the content to reflect the current style of Lifehacker.