What to Say When Someone Asks Why You Don’t Have Children

In a recent interview, Dolly Parton found herself answering a question that has been asked countless times over the decades: Why doesn’t she have children? Undoubtedly, she has written over 3,000 songs , provided nearly 150 million children’s books through her imagination library, and recently helped fund research that helped develop the Moderna COVID-19 vaccine. What about children ? What about motherhood ? Note that Parton is 74 years old.

While it’s tempting to draw your own conclusions, we don’t really know the whole story. (She mentioned fertility issues in earlier interviews, but it’s often much more complicated.) And we have no right to know that Parton – along with the rest of us – is under no obligation to explain the reasons for this to anyone. occurring in their uterus (or lack thereof). But unfortunately that doesn’t stop the questions, so here are some tips for handling and responding to (usually well-meaning) requests for information about your lack of children from the experts and people who have been there.

Childfree by choice or circumstance

Let’s start by recognizing that there can be several reasons why a person is not a parent. In some cases, people may be free of children of their choice, which means they have decided that parenthood is not right for them. In other situations, this is indirect and does not depend on the person. This can include infertility problems that cannot be overcome, infertility problems that can be overcome but require more money than anyone else, never dating another person with whom they want to start a family (and not willing to do it alone), or getting stuck in adoption attempts that have never been successful.

The bottom line is that people without children are not all in the same boat. People who don’t have children of their choice are definitely annoyed by questions about why they don’t reproduce. But for those in this position for reasons beyond their control, it can be devastating.

Why do people think it’s okay to ask about a shortage of children?

According to Dr. Amy Blackstone, professor of sociology at the University of Maine and author of Childfree by Choice: The Movement Redefining , there is a sociological explanation for why people still do this. Family and the creation of a new era of independence . “I think this comes from the fact that we are all socialized to believe that having children and becoming parents is what we are all going to do, and that we should all strive for that,” she tells Lifehacker.

Blackstone explains that people’s interest and concerns about whether other people are fertile are rooted in our political, economic, religious and social systems, which rely on the creation of more people to survive. “Since we assume – for various reasons – that everyone wants to be a parent and will do it, many people don’t even think that asking about it is not okay,” she says.

For those who do not have children of their choice, Blackstone recommends rethinking where they think these questions are coming from, namely that they are the result of our collective socialization, not a curious person who tries to shame you by forcing you to procreate. “It helps me. It makes me feel less annoyed, ”she says. “I know it doesn’t have to be because you think I’m a terrible person, or because you judge me — in fact, you just don’t know any better.”

What about gender?

Yes, this is 2020, and many people acknowledge that gender is a social construct – or at least not all families are made up of a cis woman married to a cis man – but Blackstone says she found in her research that women do have more to deal with these issues than men.

“There is a lot of evidence that the pressure is actually on women because we assume that men are going to ‘sow their seed’ and they don’t need to settle down and are not responsible for raising children,” she explains. “So it’s all built into all of our assumptions, which means that women are the ones who care about us first – or at least they’re supposed to be.”

But, Blackwell notes, that doesn’t mean all men are unaware. “What’s especially important for men is the idea of ​​’keeping the last name’,” she explains.

How to answer questions about why you don’t have children

If you do not have children – by choice or by circumstance – you may already have a ready-made answer to questions about this, like Parton. But for others, it’s something that can be frustrating and exciting every time it happens. Here are some examples of how other people have answered questions about their marital status from different perspectives and experiences:

Mention what you are passionate about

When Blackstone gets questions about why she has no children, her favorite response is, “I have no children, but one thing I’m really passionate about is …” and then she will share what she thinks it can be a matter of general interest, such as travel or a specific hobby. She says this can be an effective way to show that you don’t think their question was appropriate, while still being respectful of the questioner.

Be blunt

From Lindsay Brian Podwin, Financial Therapist at Mind Money Balance :

I simply answer: “No, I have no children.” If I get a refusal, I say, “I don’t need to justify my choice.” … Although I don’t have children by choice, I know so many people who struggle with infertility or jump through adoption hoops, and when someone asks this question, it puts pressure on such a painful part of the person. Every time we can help people understand that it is harmful and useful to ask that a person has no children.

Ask them why they care

From Reese Spikerman, Ecommerce Conversion Expert:

Expand it and ask why it matters to them. Disarming an undesirable issue with your own question completely changes the dynamics and helps to move away from a defensive or combat position. Often, it can also make it clear to the other person the inappropriate nature of these highly personal issues.

Ask about their reproductive decisions

“Usually I just say,“ Why did you decide to have children? “Says Yauru , model and writer at Vanity Afro .

Let them know that you are happy

From Mike Greenberg, writer on Mythology Source :

I’m just trying to show them that I’m happy. The voluntary decision not to have children is so contrary to society that it seems to shock some people. You cannot “convince” these people, no matter what you do. The best way to do this is to simply let them talk and be happy.

Focus on being selfish now and selfless later.

From Lauren Peacock, author of Woman. Loves cheese. Comes with a Dog: Stories of Divorce, Dating and Saying “Yes “:

I choose to be selfish now in order to be selfless later. I want to choose a career for myself now and work towards achieving these goals. When you add babies to the mix, your life should revolve around them. It’s not bad, it’s just the realistic way the world works (or at least should work) when kids come on stage.

Keep it vague

From Keith W., Co-Founder of PleasureBetter :

When [my husband and I] are asked why we do not have children from people with whom we do not feel a certain connection and trust, we will answer: “Oh, there are other things that worry us right now.” This “right now” leaves in their minds an open point of view that someday we may have children, and we feel great, leaving everything as it is. Or sometimes we just say, “We just don’t do it.” Not everyone needs to know the driving forces behind your life.

It’s okay if your answer changes over time.

From Connie Vandersanden of Inc .:

Before I decided not to have children, when I was in the midst of infertility, I strongly replied that we decided to wait a little longer. Of course, every month there was hope and opportunity, so the answers can also follow the “we are trying” route. However, I had to make a choice. The ability to have children got in the way of my life. Choosing [to be] free of children allowed me to return to life, which I avoided during fertility treatments. Now I have a question: “Do I regret my choice?” The answer is simple: “No.”

Tire the person with the details, then ask about their family

From Corinne Segura, founder of My Chemical-Free House :

If I know the person who is asking, I will give him a full explanation. I usually find that when giving people a lot of information, they just get bored by the time you give a few sentences, so just keep going until they get bored and then you can just stop and ask him questions about yourself and the kids. , which will almost certainly be a more interesting topic for them.

Show them the checks

From Brian Chuong, GameCows Founder :

[My partner and I] tried typical polite responses, but it never stopped, so now we’re kind of picky about it. We say, “Oh, we haven’t finished our fun yet. Want to see pictures of our trip to Angkor Wat this year? What have you been doing this summer? »People with children tend to dazzle you with this question and blindly believe that anything to do with a child is better than not having a child. Our solution is to quickly answer questions and show pictures of us drinking pigna colada on the beach or in the places where we have traveled. Someday we want children, but now this is not part of our plans. We do not regret that they have children, but there is a certain feeling of resentment that we feel from them, because we do not.

Use humor (if you can)

From Israel Godett, founder of Link Tracker Pro :

When people ask me why I do not have children yet, I answer: “As soon as I understand how to do this. Any recommendations? “For a couple with fertility issues, this is the best way [for us] to add humor and politely answer this sensitive and painful question. When we first learned we weren’t going to have a child at all, we were devastated. And it was even more devastating when someone asked why we didn’t have it yet. At first we are very sensitive to this, but over time we have learned to cope with it. It is not their fault that they do not know the real reason. And you cannot prevent them from asking. So we decided to just go along with it instead of taking it personally.

Be honest with close friends and family

From Isabelle Feyerrecker, life consultant for childless women and founder of The Uprising Spark :

If the person asking is a family member or close friend, I find engaging in an open and honest conversation in which you can help dispel any doubts about the childless lifestyle helps break down misconceptions about our community: things like that, how childless people are selfish, immature, hedonistic and lazy among others. It also helps to normalize the conversation on this topic, which is what most of us aspire to.

Be good

From James Hartman, founder of James Hartman & Associates , a political consulting and communications firm:

As a gay man who is often mistaken for straight, I get asked this question a little. Usually I answer that I am trying to get pregnant, but it does not help … “I have different priorities” – a mild, but still somewhat harsh answer. “Parenting is not for me,” perhaps the kindest answer.

Tell them “is not the time”

From Dan Bailey, President of WikiLawn :

My wife and I were finally able to conceive a child after a long, difficult journey and many expensive fertility treatments, but this question was asked to us more than 10 years after we got married. It was almost a constant attack, I think partly because people knew that my wife adored children and got along well with them.

We were honest at first, saying we were trying, but we were in trouble. But this led to extremely awkward conversations with another person who just backed off like crazy. It was inconvenient for everyone involved, so we stopped doing it. Instead, we simply said that the time was not yet for us. This has kept questions to a minimum, as people will read what they want.

Explain that parenting is not for everyone.

From Talia Miele , BASW, Disability and Chronic Disease Advocate:

As a person with a chronic disease, my days are most often dictated by a serious level of chronic fatigue and huge global pain, it was impossible to have children … Because it is an invisible disease, and I do not look sick people often ask when I will have children. I usually answer more politely than I would like, and try to use that as an opportunity to talk about invisible diseases. I explain my limitations because of certain symptoms and a lack of support for a community of chronic patients who really want to have children.

Let them know you have the same question

From Jeff Walker, Head of Best VPN Canada :

I say, “This is a really cool question. Well, if I knew the answer. ” It’s true. All these years I have wondered why I am still not a parent. At my age, I was bombarded with many questions about why I don’t have children yet. And I want to be as honest as possible, not only with those who ask me, but also with myself.

Do you have your own answers to the questions about not having children? Share them in the comments below.