Red Flags to Look Out for When Dating

The first days of meeting a new person can be wonderful. You will get to know someone better, learn all their quirks and figure out each other. This is partly due to the realization that something is wrong with them. If at the first stage of meeting someone you see too many red flags flying instead of fireworks, you may need to look for love elsewhere.

They are rude to waiters, doormen and other service workers.

If you’re meeting Joey for dinner and he is rude to your waiter for no reason, that’s a good indicator of how he is treating people in general. He may smile at you at first, but that’s because he is still trying to impress you. The same red flag applies to other service workers such as ticket offices, bailiffs, baristas, and bartenders.

But as Lifehacker commentator There Wolf, There Castle points out , you have to keep track of how they treat everyone in your area. If Joey is rude to your waiter and makes rude comments about a couple at a different table, he’s probably just a rude dude. Commentator g101010101 suggests that if your companion is sincerely kind to those around them, then they are likely to be sincerely kind people on all sides. When we asked you what were your biggest red flags on dating , this one popped up over and over again.

They try to push your boundaries.

Finding love should never mean that you will be uncomfortable and do what you don’t feel like doing. We asked dating reviewer and regular Kotaku contributor Dr. Nerdlov about red flags in dating; he advises you to beware of “border trespasses”:

“You tend to see this most often in sex – someone is trying to convince you to do something that you are not ready for or for which you are not yet ready – but it can manifest itself in different ways. This can be as obvious, as ignoring the soft “NO” or refusing to stop when asked, or demanding reasons. One way people will try to push boundaries is to use silence and disapproval, sometimes known as freezing, to get you to agree with what they want. “

Vanessa Marin, a licensed marriage and family therapist and former Lifehacker member, agrees that someone’s forcing you to have sex is a serious red flag. If you’re not interested, that’s all. By yielding to their unwanted accomplishments now, you are only encouraging the same pushing behavior later. If they can’t respect your boundaries so early in your relationship, you don’t want to be with them.

However, not all boundaries are sexual. Your date sharing too much personal information too soon can also be a red flag. As the commentator ImprobableJoe explains , if Sally tells you very personal things over your first cup of coffee together, more serious emotional problems can arise. If you ask Sally if you can buy her a drink, for example, and she refuses and explains that she has a bad drinking history, that’s okay. But if Sally tells you her deepest, darkest secrets just for idle talk, it could signal that her definition of personal boundaries is very different from yours. Sharing things isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but if it makes you uncomfortable, it’s definitely a red flag for you .

They get too serious too quickly.

Everyone should meet at their own pace. Nerdlove explains that if Greg pushes you towards commitment early in the dating process, it’s probably because of his insecurity or lack of emotional intelligence. Greg tries to “block you” before you can recognize his flaws. This is called love bombing.

Your companion speaks and does everything perfectly, as if he were in a romantic comedy or romance novel. They are so flattering, they lure you in and try to get things serious as quickly as possible. Remember, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is . Marin also invites you to keep an eye on your date by being proprietary, constantly checking on you, and wanting to always know where you are. This can be a sign that they are obsessive or possessive, both of which are suffocating, or a bad signal for a future relationship.

Also know what the date expects from you. As commentator The Knitigator notes , if Greg is looking for you to “restore his trust” in people or to repair all the damage done to him by previous significant others, it’s too much pressure on you early on. Also, if Greg tells your landlady that he is moving out without your knowledge , or gives you the key to his house after just three dates, run.

They act irresponsibly

If your date fails to handle some of the basic responsibilities of being an adult on dates – or worse, avoiding them altogether – you should reevaluate your relationship with it. There is nothing wrong with being a child at heart, but according to Lifehacker readers, here are some examples of Peter Pan Syndrome red flags:

• Financial irresponsibility or incompatibility: Keys to a new partner financially irresponsible may include writing off bills, paying just one of your dozens of credit cards , expecting you to pay for everything (or asking you to pay their bills, pay off their debt, etc.). ), or, if obviously, they are spending much more than they can afford. On the other hand, if they have too little money, which makes you feel uncomfortable, or if they insist on paying for everything and it makes you uncomfortable, that could be a problem too. Basically, if they don’t value money as much as you do, it’s a bad sign.
• Clinging to your parents: Depending on their age and circumstances, a date that lives with their parents may or may not be a red flag, especially in 2020 . There’s a big difference between a recent college graduate getting back on his feet, a man who has returned home due to the turmoil of a pandemic, and a 38-year-old who just collapses in his mom’s basement because they don’t want to live. on one’s own. However, if their parents take them on a date and reconsider your plans for the evening , it’s definitely a red flag. Chances are, you’re not a teenager anymore – you don’t need to date the way he does.
• Inappropriate social behavior: There is a time and place for certain humor, conversation, and other behavior. If your date seems visibly immature, or is oblivious to basic social norms for the first few dates, it’s likely that the situation will only get worse as they become more comfortable with you.

Your date doesn’t have to act like an adult all the time, but the last thing you want is to date someone emotionally your youngest, or teach them how to be an adult. You want to be a partner, not a parent.

They are totally disrespectful (apart from playful mutual teasing)

Making fun of each other can be cute, but there is a trait. Nerdlove recommends to beware of disparaging remarks and other derogatory remarks:

“There are playful, flirtatious teasing, followed by ‘compliments’ in return and outright insults. Even if they don’t play PUA [Pickup Artist] games, they still indicate disrespect to you. “

Also, definitely avoid those who use blacks as a flirting strategy. This is the worst and huge red flag.

If Amanda says something that seems really hurtful, say something about it. If Amanda doesn’t stop, or gets worse for bringing up this issue, then there is obviously a problem. The LARPkitten commentator suggests that Amanda may be trying to break your self-esteem and gain the upper hand in order to control you. If you don’t check it, it could lead to an abusive relationship in the future.

However, disrespect can come in all shapes and sizes and is not always easy to read. Your date may be critical of your appearance or lifestyle . Or they may suggest some things about your culture or background , no matter what you tell them. As the Book Club Babe commentator explains , disrespect can also be veiled:

“A pretty specific example is when a guy asks you how you ‘take care of yourself.’ Basically, this is the code for “Are you going to get fat on me?” I have a slender figure, but some dumb ones get really excited when I tell them that I am not particularly interested in fitness … You can never please such dumbass who carry a negative attitude towards the body. “

Don’t just listen to what they have to say; listen to how they say it. The consequences can be as disrespectful as outright insults, or they can be ominous and lengthy.

They’re the drama queen / king

Some people live for the drama. The video above from Art of Manliness explains that these are people who go out of their way to create controversy when things seem a little boring or boring. The video is aimed at heterosexuals, but there are definitely drama kings as well, so the same advice applies to almost any relationship. Nerdlove notes a few more ways to find the queen / king of drama:

“If they always have some kind of crisis that they are not to blame for, if they expect you to constantly cheer you up, drain your emotional energy, or they get upset about signs that you have a life outside of them then you should drop them. immediately.”

Life is already dramatic enough, so get rid of the struggle and look for someone more level-headed.

They play games with you

No, not fun games. Love games, dating games, pick-up games – they all lead to people wasting time and getting hurt. According to Nerdlov, if someone is really interested in you, they should show it pretty consistently. If Billy keeps making and breaking plans with you, or always seems unavailable giving you enough attention to keep you going forward, stop it and find someone who respects your time.

Cassandra.Sandra.Dee commenter also recommends looking out for people who show little interest but expect you to insist on dating so that they always feel welcome. And the ARTIFAQ commentator invites you to look for those who want to use you as a kind of tool or exotic activity:

“How she seems to be fixated on race. When it seems like it is going on and it seems compelled. In college, “I’ve never been with a black guy before” is cool. But now we are adults. I’m not looking for a damn tourist, and I’m not a tool to get your mother to squeeze pearls. There is nothing “exotic” or “dangerous” about me. I’m just a dude who felt your game and loved your verbs. “

The person you are meeting with should be interested in spending time together and getting to know you better, and not using you for some kind of experience, story or thrill of the “chase.” If they only have one leg in the pool, it’s time to get out and dry off.

They have problems in the bedroom

Sex is an important part of normal adult relationships, and many red flags can appear in (and around) the bedroom early on. Marine offers two main bedroom-related red flags to watch out for:

• They refuse to talk about sex. If you both established that you want to wait, that’s one thing, but if you bring up a topic at a reasonable time in a relationship (i.e. not on the first date) and they change the subject or never show any interest in discussing things with you, something not this way.
• They want sex, but they are selfish. They only care about their pleasure, not yours. They ask you to do things they refuse to reciprocate, such as oral sex.

Both of these red flags indicate future problems. Either you will be sexually frustrated, hoping that they will finally come back, or you will continually please them in the hope that they will eventually return the favor to you. Either way, you have no reason to spend time in a sexually unsatisfying relationship.

They show no interest in your interests (or worse, make fun of them)

In the early stages of a relationship, it’s important to know what each other likes and dislikes, but that won’t happen if your partner only speaks, thinks, and cares about himself. Many of you have pointed to this obvious red flag, but in reality, selfishness can manifest itself in many ways.

For example, on your cute date, Lola may be oblivious to things that are important to you, expecting you to show interest in what she likes . Or Lola won’t stop bragging and talking about herself , and when she gives you a chance to talk, she’s just waiting for an opportunity to cut the time .

Maybe Lola is not present at all, she is constantly looking at her phone or is distracted and loses touch with the conversation. Perhaps worst of all, Lola can actually say nice things, but only about your appearance or your possessions and has no interest in getting to know you personally. A compliment is good, but only a compliment makes it obvious what he needs. Can you hear these pipes? This is the ceremony of raising the red flag.

Don’t let one red flag scare you

Red flags are generally bad, yes, but you also can’t just give up every time you see them. It won’t get far. Everyone has flaws, including yourself, and people deserve a second chance to show you if they are really raising a red flag or if they just haven’t revealed to you yet. Perhaps they were very nervous when they first met. Or maybe they were selfish at first because they wanted to impress you. Step outside the first awkward coffee date and try to get to know someone.

The red flag you notice may not be red in the right light. Or you may realize that they have so many good qualities that you don’t care if they are addicted to the same things as you, or you don’t like the way they use their money. You can set up a few dates for someone before you disconnect.

Obviously, if they are really bad or exhibit any of the more obvious warning signs we mentioned, then don’t waste your time on them. However, if you only notice a few red flags or they are not striking, it could be the result of nervousness or circumstances. Give them the opportunity to relax and feel comfortable with you. Be careful, but do not abandon the ship every time you see it fluttering in the wind.

This story was originally published in February 2016 and updated on November 2, 2020 to update dead links, add additional context, and provide more complete and relevant information.