How to Best Support Someone Based on Their Grief Archetype
For the most part, our society has a very narrow definition and superficial understanding of grief. We know that when someone close to us dies, we need to feel sad, spend a few days in black and eat casseroles in mourning, and then resume normal life as if nothing had happened.
But in reality, grief has no fixed schedule or format. Of course, there are the well-known “five stages of grief” developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross , but they were never meant to be a checklist to stop grieving again.
And while we’re on the subject, there are many things people grieve but not death, including ending a relationship, losing a job, leaving friends and family, even losing oneself, which could come with or after mental health problems. the development of a chronic disease. There are also collective grief and trauma that accompany long-term events or problems, such as a global pandemic or centuries of systemic racism.
And, according to Dr. Annette Childs , a licensed psychotherapist and author, how we grieve also depends on our “grief archetype.” Here are four that she identified, and how to support the bereaved one based on each one.
What are the archetypes of grief?
After 25 years of working as a grief therapist, Childs noticed that her clients tended to follow four different patterns of grief, which she defined as “grief archetypes.” Like the languages of love , the idea of grief archetypes is to help us better adapt the care, support, and coping mechanisms available to the bereaved person. Childs explains archetypes in an interview with MindBodyGreen:
There is no “ right ” way to deal with grief, but there are known paths to take, and archetypes can help you shed light on which paths you may be taking and give you an idea of the others you are. it might be helpful to collapse. future. This is not a steel box that we must stay in. They are more like the street we have chosen, and at any moment, especially with education and support, we are likely to merge into one whole. another lane and change our survival patterns.
Here are four archetypes of Childs grief and ways to support people who fall into each category.
Pilgrim
In his practice, Childs sees more pilgrims than any other archetype. They tend to seek supportive relationships, including through therapy, A.A., or faith-based support. “They are gentle and gullible by nature, and when they are lost, they become wary and insecure about the journey ahead,” explains Childs.
How to provide support
Pilgrims are not looking for a quick fix; Childs notes that they want to build deep and lasting relationships with helpers in their lives. Therefore, if you want to support the pilgrim, understand that if he can trust and trust you during and after the loss, they may continue to reach out to you even as they have begun to better cope with their grief.
Villager
Village residents – planners; they strive to have a support system and toolbox in their life for managing their emotions, but they are also open to the idea of expanding both. The hardest part of grief for villagers, Childs said, is that they usually catch them by surprise. This is not something they can plan on.
How to provide support
Given how prepared they are (or at least trying to be), villagers often help other people even when they are grieving. For example, they can become a “strong” person to whom the rest of the family comes for support. Or maybe after they died, they went on autopilot and were able to plan the funeral like a kind of funeral machine, and because of this – and combined with the fact that they were everyone’s “stone” – they have a lot of things going on.
This is all to say that if you know a villager, you can honestly ask him what he needs and how you can best support him. This allows them to return to their normal “planning mode”, using you as a resource and adding you to their “toolbox,” and gives them the ability to articulate the kind of help they need most.
Pioneer
Pioneers are the archetype that Childs least sees in his practice. They tend to react to grief and loss by plunging into something new, such as exercise, new hobbies, or travel. As Childs explains , the pioneers do not overlook the tribulation; instead, “they just go through it differently, ripping the pieces of their loss into small pieces so they don’t get bogged down in heavy emotions for too long.”
How to provide support
If you support Pioneer, do so on their terms. This can mean anything from going on a weekend trip with them to trying out a new activity with them. Realize that this is their way of dealing with their grief, and don’t insist that they “face reality” or “do the job” when it comes to sadness. This is exactly what they do, only in their own way.
Traveler
Travelers are constantly looking for meaning and use of loss as a way to stimulate their own growth. Travelers generally find it more comfortable to sit with their grief and watch where it takes them, rather than following a set path, Childs said .
How to provide support
To support the Traveler, trust that he is grieving at his own pace — remember that he may be completely different from yours. Also, keep in mind that the aspects of their grief that they consider to be most significant may not be the same as yours. Follow the person, do not “light up” him .