How to Recognize Signs of an Impending Rift
Sometimes it’s painfully obvious when the relationship is over. Other times, it may seem like the breakup came out of nowhere and you feel overwhelmed. But on those occasions, did things really go so well, or did you just ignore the signals indicating that things were heading in the wrong direction?
According to a frequently cited 1998 article in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships , most relationships end after following the same 16 steps. Realizing that there are existing cultural scenarios for various aspects of relationships, including first dates, the researchers decided to determine if there was a scenario for breaking up the relationship as well. It turns out there is. Here’s how to spot the telltale signs of an impending breakup and how each partner can prepare for the inevitable.
Signs of rupture
In addition to identifying 16 common signs of a gap, the researchers behind the 1998 study also noted that the gap is cyclical, following a pattern that starts with a lack of interest, then notices other people, acts detached, and finally tries to resolve the situation. … This pattern can be repeated over a period of weeks, months, or even several years.
“This cyclical pattern shows how indecision leads to the destruction of the relationship, which forces one or both partners to act in a way that characterizes the behavior of approach and avoidance – the desire to settle problems and then move away again,” – Dr. Mariana Bokarova, professor of psychology at the University Toronto, wrote about the 1998 study in an article for Psychology Today.
So let’s talk about these 16 signs and what each partner can do to prepare for each step. Our guides on this sad journey are Destin Pfaff and Rachel Federoff – relationship experts, dating coaches and founders of Love and Matchmaking . They have appeared in several seasons of the Bravo Millionaire Matchmaker show and are married (to each other). We’ll look at each of the 16 signs of an impending breakup, then provide tips to help you prepare and navigate each step, courtesy of Pfaff and Federoff.
Before we begin, we must point out that both the 1998 article and the advice presented here focus on a monogamous relationship between two people. This does not necessarily mean that they are not related to polyamorous relationships — that is just not what was addressed in the studies that identified these 16 traits. OK, let’s go!
1. The partner loses interest in his significant other.
Advice to a partner losing interest: communicate, communicate, communicate! It is the most important ingredient in any relationship. And if you’re not comfortable anymore, don’t be passive-aggressive – let your partner know.
Find out why you might be experiencing these new feelings of fading interest. Have you put in the same amount of effort to acknowledge your partner’s presence and needs? It may not be because you’ve lost interest, but that you’re not doing anything to revive the relationship. Before ending, ask yourself, “Did I do my best as a partner to keep the relationship interesting?” If not, do some work before walking out the door.
Tip for the other partner: It ‘s the same here. If you feel that something is wrong, talk to your partner and ask questions. Get to the heart of what’s going on so that you two can either try to fix the problem or leave before you waste more time and get even more hurt.
2. The unselfish partner begins to notice attractive potential alternative dating partners.
Tip for the disinterested partner: If you are contemplating infidelity, just do the right thing and end it. It’s natural to look at others and find them attractive, but if you feel like you’re about to cross the line to act on those desires, just stop. Cheating is never normal.
Noticing attractive alternatives is natural, especially if you feel like your heart is no longer completely in them. Try to assess what your current partner brings to the table. Are you still turned on by what they do? Is there still a spark? Try to rekindle a new sense of adventure and see if this is really a new person you like or just a new feeling .
Tip for the other partner: Have you noticed that your significant other has wandering eyes? If so, then it’s time to really talk to them and discuss what’s really going on. Unpack what might be causing the problem, make a plan for making some changes, and if something fails, ask yourself if you deserve more. If your partner can’t be honest with you, leave. It can be hard and painful, but it will be worse if you find that they are cheating on you.
3. The unselfish partner begins to withdraw emotionally and / or physically from the relationship.
Tip for the disinterested partner: Again, the key word here is communication . State it clearly and politely. Tell your partner how you are feeling so that both of you can try to correct the negative moments that are causing you to leave. Maybe it’s a simple fix or misunderstanding, or maybe couples therapy can help you. Or maybe it’s time to say, “We tried, but it shouldn’t have happened.”
It’s all about self-awareness. Do you tend to pull back when your relationship reaches a certain point? Have you developed this habit to avoid the over-serious portion of long-term commitments? If so, give it up. Go to couples therapy or see a therapist yourself to improve your self-awareness.
Tip for the other partner : If you notice that your partner is starting to pull away, let him know. Don’t be passive-aggressive, don’t assume, and don’t catastrophize. Ask them questions and let them know how they make you feel.
If your partner is struggling with their emotions and giving up on them, you need to be open to hear what the real problem is. Have you talked to them about their mental health? Have you done anything to try and improve the relationship instead of letting it stagnate? Do this and then discuss how you can move on.
4. Partners are trying to work things out.
Tip for both partners: Express your feelings in a way that your partner can actually hear you. People tend to listen more than they hear . When talking to each other, use the statements “I” and “I” instead of the statements “you.” Pointing and accusing, the defensive walls are lifted up. Take your point of view in small steps so that your partner has time to absorb it. Repeat what you just said in response to your partner to really show him that you hear the meaning of their words.
5. Partners spend less time together.
Advice for both partners: the time apart is always good, but if there is too much of it, then something is happening. Ask each other questions, express your feelings and try to solve the problem. Set aside time for greater intimacy – not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. Make realistic dating plans: everyone has a calendar on their smartphone – put it there so there is no excuse.
But also keep in mind that spending less time together isn’t necessarily a red flag – it could just be a relationship developing into a healthy, realistic state. As long as there is strength and energy translates into the time that you do spend together, things can and should be OK. Set aside at least a few days a week with just your partner so you both feel loved.
6. Lack of interest appears again.
Advice for a disinterested partner: communicate again! (We cannot stress this enough.) Let your partner know that things are going backwards. Try to resolve it, or if it just isn’t there, do a good deed and end it.
Tip for the other partner : The same applies: communicate. If your partner’s lack of interest seems like a habit, seek advice as it may be more about the person than the actual situation. Maybe it’s time to put an end to everything.
7. One partner, or perhaps this time both of them, are thinking about ending everything forever.
Tip for both partners: Make a list of pros and cons (yes, this was a plot pointin a key episode of Friends ). This is an easy way to gauge what the best next step should be. Obviously, if there are more pros than cons, consider coming up with a plan to make the relationship more fulfilling. If there are more downsides, end the relationship as amicably as possible.
8. Partners share their feelings with each other.
Advice for both partners: As we mentioned, communication is key, but that does not mean that you need to open an emotional fire hose to each other. Partners must have a strategy for communicating best with each other. Take turns discussing potential problems or triggers that arise and what they are causing you, and come up with a possible solution without making the other person feel ashamed or blamed. If you both need time to think, step away from the conversation for 20 minutes to sort out your feelings, and return to a calmer state to resolve them.
9. Partners are trying to work things out again.
Advice for both partners: Our previous advice applies here as well.
10. Despite the fact that they are still trying to figure it out, one or both begin to notice other people.
Advice for both partners: at this stage, it is quite obvious that something is missing in the relationship, which may not be resolved. Listen to your intuition while trying to respect your partner’s feelings. And never cheat.
11. One or both partners begin to act detached.
Tip for both partners: Pay attention to your gut feelings again, unless following your gut involves cheating on your partner (don’t; see above).
12. One or both may go on dates with other people while continuing to date.
A tip for both partners: If this is an agreed upon arrangement, make sure you set boundaries and rules . Discuss what is allowed and what is not. Decide how much information you will share with each other about other dates, and what the ultimate goal of this arrangement is.
Will you always meet other people? Do you want to close the relationship again over time? Do as much research as you can to make sure that this is the relationship that you enjoy and that you are not only doing it to calm your partner down.
13. The cycle repeats as partners decide to get back together and try one last time.
Advice for both partners: This time, keep your health as healthy as possible. Don’t go back to old habits. Enter this renewed relationship as if it were with a completely new person. The past is in the past. Agree not to think about past fights or disagreements.
14. One or both partners are thinking about breaking up again.
Advice for both partners: Get it over with.
15. One or both are seriously distancing themselves from each other and have the feeling that they have moved on while technically still in a relationship.
Advice for both partners: seriously, stop. If you’ve already started to upset the relationship you are still in, remove yourself from the situation. Time to move on. Do what is best for you and your partner and break ties. The sooner, the better.
16. The couple break up.
Advice for both partners: okay, then you broke up. That’s okay – just because a relationship is over doesn’t mean it has failed. Perhaps he has just exhausted himself. Try to finish things as peacefully as possible. Once this is over, remove all aspects of that relationship from each other’s lives – remove contact information, remove images from social media platforms, remove from friends, and unsubscribe from each other. If you live together, move out and leave what is yours. If you bought something together, try to find a way to sell it better, or decide who keeps it. It is bound to be painful and difficult, but in the end it will be better for both – and then he will heal and move forward and upward.
Will the ability to prepare for and detect these signs of a breakup help you avoid an emotional breakup? Probably no. But at least you will know what to look for and give yourself a chance to wake up to what’s going on instead of being overwhelmed (again).
Pfaff’s and Federoff’s advice has been slightly edited for clarity.