How Much Sex Do You Need?

Nothing causes panic about keeping up with the Joneses like the frequency of sex. We all seem to be obsessed with having the “right” amount of sex. And maintaining an active sex life in addition to everything that happens in our lives, especially in the face of a stressful pandemic that gives us good reasons to stay away from other people, can seem overwhelming, which is why many of us try to console ourselves by clinging to specific things like numbers.

There really isn’t a magic number that works for every pair. As a sex therapist, I’ve worked with couples who thought sex every day was too little, and couples who thought sex once a month was too much. Relationships and people are different.

However, it is possible to find out what level of frequency is right for your relationship. Here’s how.

Forget the honeymoon phase

Let’s get rid of this popular myth immediately: The sexual frequency you maintain at the start of a relationship (the “honeymoon phase”) is usually not sustainable. When you’re in an entirely new relationship, you don’t have to deal with any of the complexities and baggage that come with a long relationship. If sex is incredibly important to both of you and you are both relentlessly putting in a lot of effort, then don’t make the first few months your goal. About half of this starting frequency is the more manageable standard.

But think about other stages of the relationship.

It can be helpful to look back at your relationship history (after your honeymoon), especially if you’re in a long-term relationship. Our sex lives change naturally, even as part of an ongoing relationship, so as you look back, you’re bound to notice the high and low points. On the graph of your relationship, when were you two the happiest in your sex life? Do you remember any specific details of your sex life at the time? For example, perhaps you had regular sexual encounters on Friday nights, or you spent most of Sunday morning in bed. By naming these periods when you both felt happy about how much sex you had, you can get a more realistic idea of ​​what to aim for.

Expand your gender definition

Many couples – and especially heterosexual couples – fall into the trap of thinking about sex and intercourse as interchangeable ideas. People who are in same-sex or other homosexual relationships usually have broader definitions of what constitutes sex. Can you guess which group consistently reports higher sexual satisfaction?

If you think of sex as a simple intercourse, your sex life will quickly get bored and bored. Fortunately, there are many other options. Oral sex, manual stimulation, mutual or solo masturbation, anal play, nipple play, sensual massage, play with sex toys, teasing, fantasizing, role playing, sensation play and other activities: all of this is also sex. With more options on the table, sex naturally becomes much more seductive and satisfying.

Focus on quality over quantity

Having sex solely to achieve a set rate is rarely enjoyable. If quota compliance is not an exciting part of your sex role play, I recommend looking at quality over quantity. In my experience, when couples have sex that satisfies both of them, a comfortable frequency naturally arises.

Take time to reflect on your favorite sexual memories with your partner. What does good sex mean to you? Does this mean orgasm? Feeling emotionally connected? Working on a sex positions book? There is a lot to talk about here, but try to isolate 3-5 qualities that are important to you and share them with your partner.

Respect each other’s needs

People always ask me about sexual compatibility, but the truth is, you will never find a partner with whom you are completely sexually compatible. Even if both of you magically knew that you needed sex twice a week to be perfectly happy, who can say that you both want sex on Tuesday at 8:00 pm and Friday at 11:00 pm? Each couple will have to overcome differences in their sexual needs.

In my experience, couples are happiest when each feels that their needs are important to the other. It is not about responding to each other’s whims; it’s about hearing what your partner wants, recognizing that you respect their needs, and doing your best to work with them as a team.

If your partner usually has a lower level of desire than you, this could mean that you are masturbating more often. Or it may mean making an effort to support your partner in removing obstacles to their desire (for example, helping him to be alone from time to time or taking some responsibilities off his plate).

If your partner has a higher level of desire than you do, it could mean that you will open up to intimate relationships, even if you are not quite in the mood. This is where this extended gender definition really matters. You may not be open to intercourse, but perhaps you are ready to hand your partner off or have a dirty talk with him while he masturbates.

Make the effort more often than you feel the urge

Real Conversation: Most of us don’t prioritize sex as much as we say what we want. Were busy. Tired. We are overwhelmed. ( Especially now. ) Sex is easy to put on the back burner.

As much as I try to help my clients recognize and respect themselves for who they are, I also firmly believe that sex is something that requires active, sustained effort. Sometimes it takes trying to cheer you up, even if you’re feeling tired or lazy. Effort is a huge part of helping us show our partners that we respect them and their needs (as well as respect ourselves and our needs).

It’s also important to remember that most people don’t feel like sex until they start doing something physical. A lot of my clients even tell me that it’s only after the sex is over that they realize, “Wow, that was fun. I always forget how much I love sex. ” My recommendation is to try to engage in some kind of physical contact about twice as often as you feel an interest in sex. If your mood rises, have sex with your partner! If you don’t, it will still be great to have more contact in your relationship.

The bottom line is that the effort both of you are willing to make to open yourself up to physical intimacy is much more important than the actual number of times you finish having sex in a given week, month, or year. Having sex exactly three times a week, not every week, is bound to make you happy or sexually satisfied. What will make you happy knowing that your partner respects your needs and that you work together as a team to find a balance between your needs. This post was originally published in 2017 and was updated in October 2020 to include additional context and align content with the current style of Lifehacker.