Do You Yell at Other People’s Naughty Children?
Several years ago, I threw a party between my son, my then adopted son and another boy. This third boy took the toy from my adopted son and refused to give it back. Since the boy’s parents weren’t there, I eventually intervened when it became clear that he was bullying my adopted son, teasing him with a toy that he would not return. When I politely asked the boy to return the toy, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, “No.”
I confess I was confused about what to do next. At that time, the children were young enough that we still did not have many games without other parents to help us look after them. And I have never had a child (who was not mine, at least) who flatly refused to follow my directions. (After blinking a few times, I politely but firmly explained that I have one rule for dating, so that everyone plays well together, and after that everything is fine.)
Another time I watched a game between my son and another boy. Another boy began to act up when his mother – one of my closest friends – entered the room. After correcting his behavior, my friend turned to me and said: “I expect you to scream at my children as if you were your own when I am not there.” She was mostly joking (but perhaps not completely); we laughed and I told her to do the same. We didn’t actually tell each other to constantly yell at the kids, but we gave each other permission to step in and be firm when needed. That we trusted each other to enforce the rules in the same and consistent way.
But if you haven’t had this direct conversation with someone you are close with, it can be difficult to know when to step in to correct the behavior of other people’s children. Dina de Bara writes for MSN.com that, for example, when you meet with children at home, you can start by establishing clear ground rules and getting their consent. This can help prevent any problems that might arise because children simply don’t know your expectations.
But it is also not a reliable solution. (Children will still be children.) This is why, as etiquette experts Evie Granville and Sarah Davis say to deBare , if the problem still arises, you should pause and give their parents a chance to step in first:
This does not always work, but if you notice that your child has broken any of these rules or is taking action, it is important not to jump up and react immediately (unless your health is in danger). Remember that this is not your child, so it is important to give the toddler’s parents the opportunity to take the initiative and discipline their son or daughter as they see fit. ″ Give the child’s parents enough time to notice the unpleasant behavior. Don’t assume that just because they don’t answer right away, they don’t know what’s going on, ”Granville and Davis say. ″ Sometimes parents have a reason to pause before intervening. ″
If they do not interfere with (or are not physically present), it is often best to bring your own baby from unsafe or unacceptable situation. But if you really feel like you need to intervene in order to correct another child, they advise you to do so only in your best teacher’s voice (firm and authoritative, but kind), and then immediately turn to the parent to apologize for the interference:
″ If you are talking to someone’s child within their field of vision, be sure to talk to the parent immediately afterward: “I’m sorry to interfere, but I just see that it ends up hurting someone!” “, Our experts explain. … ″ It gives parents the opportunity to hear the persistence and concern in your voice, and to understand your motives: not to shame the child or go beyond their authority, but to keep everyone safe. ″
However, there are so many variables, such as whether the problem is simply a clash of parenting styles or a real safety issue. Your reaction may vary depending on your relationship with other parents, whether they are there or, if they are, blissfully ignoring a clearly obvious problem. Perhaps this is an isolated incident, or perhaps it is a frustrating pattern of behavior that keeps repeating itself. Maybe it’s about a child in the park that you don’t know at all.
Tell us in the comments: How do you deal with behavioral problems with other children? Are you left out if there are no security concerns? Pull out your best kindergarten teacher voice? Quickly leave with the child, is there a scene left?
Or do you follow my friend’s old school example when he takes a village and yell (or correct, or punish) other people’s children?