How to Avoid Toxic Exposure (and How to Deal With It When It Comes Your Way)
Even though you know they probably come from somewhere, scrolling through your social media feed only to discover the onslaught of memes and quote cards instructing us to “Choose Happiness” or to release “Only Kind Vibes.” can be maddening. (Or maybe it’s just me, and everyone else loves them?) And again, I understand that most people do not apply a belligerent policy towards only good vibrations, and would say that they release such things into the world just for in order to counteract “all negativity.”
Great, but seeing this kind of mood over and over again can be difficult if you’re not in a good location. And right now, in 2020, I’m not sure if anyone is in a good location and as such. This is only a small part of the toxic positive attitude. Here’s more about the concept and some strategies for dealing with it when it inevitably arises.
What is toxic positivity?
There are many definitions to explain the concept of toxic positivity. One that I think does a great job with this comes from Dr. Jaime Zuckerman , a clinical psychologist, and featured in an article on Healthline :
“Toxic positivity is the assumption made by you or others that, despite a person’s emotional pain or difficult situation, they should only have a positive attitude or — my favorite term — positive vibrations.”
Zuckerman continues that toxic positivity can take many forms, including but not limited to: a friend or family member who berates you for expressing frustration about something instead of actually listening to why you are upset; or comments like “look on the bright side”, “be grateful for what you have,” “it could actually be much worse,” “if you stay positive, something good will come your way.” (There are so many of them.)
Why is toxic positivity harmful?
#NotAllPositivity or happy people exhibit toxic positivity. It is wonderful to experience genuine joy or happiness. Problems start when you try to impose your positivity on others, and it makes them feel worse because they are experiencing other emotions that you might discount. The same Healthline article also featured comments from Caroline Carroll , a psychotherapist based in Baltimore, to help clarify this:
“The pressure to look ‘normal’ negates the full range of emotions we all experience. When you feel suffering, it can give the impression that you are inadequate, which can be internalized by the inner belief that you are inadequate or weak. Condemning oneself for feelings of pain, sadness, jealousy, which are part of the human experience and transient emotions, leads to what are called secondary emotions, such as shame, which are much more intense and maladjustable. They distract us from the problem at hand and [they] leave no room for self-compassion, which is so important to our mental health. “
People who are sad, depressed, grieving, or anything else that is not perceived as happy / pleasant will undoubtedly make us uncomfortable. But no one has to make a happy face to make you feel better. And then again, yes, the positive person most likely came from a good place where they just want to help. This is just not the way to do it.
How to deal with a toxic position
Here are some strategies for dealing with toxic positives for those on both sides of the equation:
- Don’t ignore or try to suppress your genuine emotions.
- Listen and appreciate other people, even if they are sad, and it makes you uncomfortable.
- Don’t offer unwanted advice.
- Don’t shame anyone (including yourself) for their emotions.
- Remember that feeling bad / sad / negative / uncomfortable is completely normal, especially at times like this when we are all trying to process so many things at once.
- You are not limited to one emotion at a time. For example, you may be disappointed and saddened by the way this country is dealing with a pandemic, but you can also experience moments of joy by FaceTiming your niece or nephew.
- Be realistic with any schedule. It doesn’t work, for example, setting an expiration date if you are sad about losing your job. Instead, choose small, actionable steps that make you feel better, and process everything at your own pace.
- Take a break from social media if that helps.