How to Get Over Father’s Day If You’re Having a Hard Time
Like Mother’s Day – or most holidays in fact – Father’s Day can be polarizing. For some, it’s a fun excuse to get the family together (well, maybe not this year) to have a barbecue and shower dad with gifts. But for others, it brings up unpleasant memories. If you fall into the second category, it can be difficult to get through the third Sunday in June. We spoke with several mental health professionals to better understand why this day can be such a difficult day and to get tips on how to get through it – whether you’re alone or with your family on Sunday.
Why is Father’s Day not easy for some?
There are many reasons why Father’s Day is a day that some people dread, or at least find it difficult. Whether someone’s dad is dead, estranged, absent, or not the perfect father, it can be difficult for the kids (even if / when they are adults) as well as for the fathers themselves (more on this in a moment). By the way, we are still in the midst of a global pandemic, and even for people who have a great relationship with their father, this year can be a tough one if they can’t spend the day together.
For those for whom Father’s Day is tough, it can evoke a variety of emotions, from sadness to anger and frustration. “While some are anxious about this day due to their recent loss, others have difficult relationships with their fathers or have become completely estranged from them and may have difficulty handling the symbolism of the day , ” says Dr. Leela R. Maghawi, psychiatrist. and regional medical director for community psychiatry, reports Lifehacker. “Meanwhile, fathers who have lost their children or do not often see them for various reasons can grieve in their own way. Some people are unable to become a parent or adopt a child and may feel empty or lonely. “
When the holiday takes the form of grief, it becomes a reminder of a relationship that someone doesn’t have, rather than a relationship, according to Litsa Williams , a therapist and licensed clinical social worker. “Of course, this is true for children who have lost fathers and fathers who have lost children, but also for partners, friends and parents of dead fathers,” she tells Lifehacker. “It is difficult for those who have lost their fathers or children through alienation, imprisonment, custody and resettlement.”
There are other ways Father’s Day can sneak up on you emotionally. First, as noted by Dr. Rebecca Guernon , family physician and medical director at Blue Cross and Blue Shield in Kansas City, we are all deeply concerned about our parents and their role in our lives. When we find out they are flawed, it can be a sad lesson to be learned at any age. On top of that, if your parents’ marriage ends up falling apart, sometimes Father’s Day gives us unresolved feelings of separation or divorce, she adds.
It’s also important to keep in mind that the role of fathers has changed in recent years, expanding to include responsibilities such as changing diapers, attending parenting conferences and doctor’s appointments, which have traditionally been a mother’s job. “Many adults — whose fathers have been in their lives — will remember a father who was less present than their mother; a father who may have been stuck in a traditional role, who felt he was missing out on parental joys and experiences; a father who had a hard time expressing feelings, ”explains Guernon. “[Some] adults may look back at the father they knew as a child and wish they knew him better, spent more time with him [or] so that he could experience more parental feelings or express feelings more freely.” So even in those cases when someone’s father was present in childhood and they had a decent relationship, the holiday can still awaken feelings.
And while people (rightly) find Father’s Day difficult for the children and adult children of deceased, estranged, or absent fathers, Aisha R. Shabaz , a licensed clinical social worker, therapist, and clinical director, says we must consider the other side: too much. Specifically, “the shame and sadness that can potentially come with“ everyone ”who receives gifts, lunches, dinners and thanks, while others receive nothing because their child has died or become estranged from them,” she says Lifehacker. “You get the title of father because you have children, and yet, if your children are not, you feel like you cease to exist. It’s very isolating. “
Now let’s talk about how to get through the day.
Tips on how to cope with Father’s Day
Let’s start with tips specifically for dads who are struggling:
To the fathers of a deceased child
If you fall into this category, Shabazz encourages you to respect the time spent with your child by creating a new or maintaining a tradition as a way to perpetuate their father-child relationship. “Do what you loved to do together – favorite movie, snack, lunch, hobby, etc.,” she adds. Additionally, Williams suggests that they may want to connect with other grieving fathers through support groups such as The Compassionate Friends .
For fathers separated from their children
Regardless of who caused the alienation, Shabazz says it might be appropriate to turn to him again one day. But without doing some personal development work first, you can repeat the same behaviors that made the relationship worse in the first place. “Try participating in support or therapy groups, reading books, or listening to podcasts about rebuilding relationships and communication,” she advises.
For people who never became fathers (but may have wanted to)
It can be very easy for those in this group to play the what-if game, says Shabazz, but try to avoid it if you can. “This is counterproductive and will not help solve your current problem,” she explains. “Consider the qualities that your father possesses and determine which of these qualities you possess. You will soon realize that while you may feel inferior, you do have some of the components of a father. Then think about how you can appear to others as a father. “
Now, here are some general strategies that can be helpful to anyone active during the day:
Allow yourself to grieve and / or be sad
If you are not feeling Father’s Day, it is perfectly acceptable to give yourself time and place to grieve. “Tell others in your life that Father’s Day is hard on you and let them know what they can do to help,” Williams says. And yes, it means everyone. “Men are trained not to show a wide range of emotions, and also not to talk about their feelings,” says Shabazz. “If you are a man who falls into this category, consider expressing yourself differently by using your creativity. Create something that speaks for you, and over time you will have the security and confidence you need to say what’s on your mind. “
Try to avoid social media if it’s a trigger for you
For those who have a difficult time on vacation, social media can be pretty tough. Even if you plan on avoiding it all day, there is always a chance that out of habit you will pick up the phone and start scrolling through your Instagram feed without even realizing it. “On Father’s Day, social media is usually filled with posts, photos and videos of people with their fathers or posts about their fathers,” Dr. Brian Wind , clinical psychologist and chief clinical leader of JourneyPure, told Lifehacker. “It serves as a constant reminder to those who have difficult relationships with their fathers of all that they are missing.”
But if memories are comforting, do it.
Not everyone falls into the social media launch category. Others find solace in looking at old photographs or home videos of their father. “While Father’s Day can reopen old scars, making it a celebration of life can help bring some joy back into the celebration,” says Wind. “However, if you’ve recently lost your dad or haven’t dealt with your grief before, it can be painful, especially on your own. If necessary, seek help from a therapist who can help you cope with your grief. “
Don’t compare your relationship with your father to others.
People always want to compare themselves to other people, but when it comes to their relationship with their father, Wind advises to avoid it. “Instead, you can set aside time to celebrate the relationships you have in your life because they can be celebrated any day of the year,” he says. At the same time, don’t run into a day with high expectations based on the sentiments in the greeting cards, ”said Lifehacker Michael Gaziano , a licensed clinical social worker, clinical program manager and therapist at Sierra Tucson. “Relationships are complex, and one of the best ways to help unravel them is to focus on what you are in control of and the thoughts and feelings you can work on to take care of yourself.”
Know that you are not alone
Even if you seem like the only person with mixed – or downright negative – feelings about Father’s Day, that is definitely not the case. Dealing with emotions like anger, sadness, loneliness and frustration is not always easy, Wind says, and thanks to COVID-19, those emotions can hit even harder than usual. But keep in mind that there are many others on this day who are struggling.
Plan ahead
If you know Father’s Day is none of your business, try to make a plan ahead of time. Yes, this is especially difficult this year, but even a virtual visit or a walk with a friend wearing a mask and at a distance from society can help. “If you’re struggling, the best thing you can do is surround yourself with the people you love,” says Wind. “If you don’t feel safe when meeting friends or family, make an extra effort to connect with them and express your feelings. Just talk about your emotions to ease their burden. “
Talk to a friend or family member
Even if you didn’t plan ahead, if you’re having a tough Sunday, Dr. David Finkelstein , a community psychiatrist, recommends reaching out to someone for support – “especially someone who has a clear understanding of your life.” feelings or dealt with something like that. “
Avoid (or take a break from) family if you need to
If hanging out with your extended family (i.e. those you don’t live with) is stressing you, then at least you can thank the pandemic for putting an end to this year’s holiday events. But this only (ideally) prevents face-to-face meetings: there could still be Zoom family meetings or phone calls that you have to make. If there are certain IRLs or virtual meetings that you absolutely cannot avoid, Natalie Buchwald , therapist and founder and clinical director of Manhattan Mental Health Counseling, suggests spending as much time alone as possible before and during the event.
“Use this time to meditate, calm down and write down what emotions you have,” she tells Lifehacker. “Don’t suppress your emotions. These are ideas to be understood. Instead of venting your emotions on others, cool off by moving to another room or taking a short walk. If you have something to say to a family member, say it confidently but in a calm place. This will increase the likelihood that it will lead to constructive discussion rather than shooting.
Focus on gratitude
Dr. Scott Guerin , a developmental psychologist and associate professor of psychology at Keene University, lost his father last week – 41 days after his mother died – both from COVID-19. Right now, he’s focused on how to deal with this day, and has found one strategy to be working: appreciation. “When my father became known, many of my friends expressed their condolences,” he tells Lifehacker. “Several stories told how he helped them … Right now, every day, my feelings of loss are overwhelmed with feelings of love and appreciation.” Another approach to gratitude, according to Magwie – but for those who never knew their fathers or were estranged from them – involves making a gratitude list that includes all people who have been fathers throughout their lives.
Create new traditions
If you find it difficult to get through your typical Father’s Day in your family, take the opportunity to use this year as a “reset.” Gaziano suggests creating new traditions for yourself and / or your family by changing the definition of the day. This will give you (to some extent) more control over the holiday. And if your new tradition completely ignores this day because it’s better for you, that’s good too.