What to Do If Your Child’s Behavior Is Ruining Your Relationship With Your Partner
“You know those ABC graduation programs where parents get divorced and tell their kids it’s not your fault ,” asks Katherine, a mom of three in Florida. “They lied. If we get divorced, it is entirely their fault. “
Catherine’s nine-year-old son was diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder a year ago. “He resists and challenges every transition in life,” she says. “If you say ‘it’s time to brush your teeth’, they will yell at you. If you say, “We are going here in the car,” he will throw himself on the floor and not get up. Even in ‘fun’ places. “
His behavior, as well as that of his brother, who is on the autism spectrum, causes enormous stress and leads to conflict between her and her husband. “None of us know how to deal with it,” Katherine admits. “Raising typical children is difficult enough, but add some special needs to it and think: what do we do about it? We do not know! “
This affected her marriage. “It’s exhausting. You must be on your Parenting – a game every minute of the day and you have nothing left for the other person. You definitely don’t find them sexy. It’s hard not to be completely drained, insane, and resentful all the time. You are outraged by the fact that nothing is easy. ” She sighs. “We’re too jaded to even bother with a divorce.” Another mom who has a difficult child, Hannah, told me that she dreams of divorce only to get regular breaks from her children.
How can parents protect their relationship with each other while caring for a challenged child? Jeffrey Bernstein, child psychologist and author of 10 Days to a Less Cocky Child , expressed his opinion .
Recognize What Your Spouse Is Doing Right
“It is important that each spouse openly acknowledges the specific parenting behavior that each partner has to offer,” says Bernstein. After a particularly violent breakdown, you might say, “When Johnny starts swearing, I appreciate that you have this amazing ability to not take it personally.” He suggests making “deposits” to a marriage bank account – a demonstration of grateful behavior.
“Parenting is hard ,” says Bernstein. “Try to support each other in what you can control. One of the central driving forces is to coach each other, to offer each other feedback and support in managing a child with a behavioral problem. ” Dealing with your stress, your child’s stress, and your partner’s stress can be a little easier if you visualize yourself as a coach and approach it as a collective effort. Say something like “I’m on your team” or “I see your frustration” to keep in touch. It also emphasizes affection and “microinteractions” such as smiles, gestures of affection, and even walking together. If you know how to swing, spending time alone with the kids will help you remember why you liked this person at all. “It’s a cliché,” Hannah says, “but date night really is restorative.”
Accept that sometimes you feel crazy and that’s okay.
Bernstein says that families come to him and say, “This child is sucking out our entire family. Sometimes I wish he wasn’t my child. ” It’s important not to be ashamed. ” Katherine and Hannah noted that they have tremendous envy for people who have “easy” children, but Bernstein warns that not everything is as it seems in other families – other parents are not necessarily better. “Don’t compare your family to others. This is the fast road to suffering. I can’t tell you how many people came to my office and said, “People think we are the perfect family,” but who are struggling with other problems or behavioral disorders themselves. “
Use each other’s strengths
A parent can better navigate the mall with their kids, and a parent can better prepare meals by supervising homework. “Parenting is about collaboration, not competition,” says Bernstein. “One parent may be better in the early years of life, and the other may be better in adolescence. Whatever you do, do not roll your eyes or do passive-aggressive things in front of children. Support the other parent in his approach to problem solving – serious frustration can be at the root of a child’s outbreak.
Child psychologist Mike Fraser told me that it is important to understand your temperament, as well as the temperament of your spouse and child: do you get angry very quickly or are you more relaxed? Do you walk into a dirty room and get scared right away? Learning about parenting style and temperament can help parents develop a play plan that takes into account their strengths, he said.
Katherine advises: “If you have a child with behavior problems, if you [and your partner] even have slightly different parenting styles, it can sabotage everything every day.”
Name it
My husband and I introduced a food moratorium in restaurants that lasted almost two years. It was too stressful. Bernstein recommends developing a strategy for a period of three to six months, for example: “We cannot go with the whole family to the mall or to the high-profile films right now, but we will review that in six months.” This can make the restrictions associated with the presence of a difficult child, more like a short-term issue of governance, and eradicate any of your tendency to get bogged down and say things like, “So, we never fail to go public?”
As Bernstein says: “It’s okay to delay it or divide and win. Don’t see it as a loss. A naughty nine-year-old girl probably won’t be naughty at the age of 14-15. ”
And we also “call it” family fun when things go awry: in the heat of battle, my husband and I sometimes say to each other, “You can check if you need to.” Discharge means one person is exempt from childcare / housework for five or 20 minutes, and sometimes an entire evening (depending on how bad it is). We may not have dealt with children’s behavior, but at least we have reduced the number of angry bodies in the room. We will try to spend time with the family on another day.
Get help
When faced with a situation that gets out of hand, professional help can be a godsend. Fraser says a neutral third party can assess and offer a perspective and even help you develop a game plan for when one child, for example, throws a tantrum on the platform and the whole family is late for the train.
Both Katherine and Hannah say that as their children have matured, things have gotten better, even though it’s one step forward and two steps back. A day after our conversation, Catherine sent me a message: in the pediatrician’s office for a streptococcus test, her son was being held by herself, the doctor and the administrator, while he was beating and beating. Then he spat on the doctor. I tell her about Hannah’s comment that she dreams of divorce just to break her relationship with the kids, and she agrees, except for one point: she’s not sure her husband can handle the kids.
* Names and credentials have been changed.
This article was originally published in 2017 and updated on March 10, 2020 by Elizabeth Yuko. Updates include the following: Checked links for accuracy and updated formatting to reflect the current style.