How Can I Better Plan Dates for My Child With Autism?
Dating is a great way for young children to practice social interaction and develop cognitive and language skills, and practice self-regulation, especially if they are not regularly interacting with other children in kindergarten or preschool. Of course, they can also be difficult for any parent due to their very inexperience in social interaction. But in particular, parents of neuro-divergent children may find a little extra pre-training that will be helpful as differences in how their child plays or is influenced by the environment begin to become apparent.
This week, a parenting question was asked by one of the Offspring Facebook group members:
My son is on the autism spectrum, and as he turns 4, it becomes more obvious to other children his age that he is not playing like they are. How can I schedule play dates with friends whose children are neurotypical if I know my son may be overwhelmed and need to leave quickly or have a reaction to some noise or event that the other child does not understand? Ways to encourage play with other children in general are also welcome!
I reached out to Dr. Shelley Dry, Pediatric Therapist and Chief of Clinical Operations at Enable My Child with your question, and she suggested several strategies you could try both before and during play to help your son play with his peers. Many of them do apply to both neurotypical and neurodivergent children, but you may find them particularly useful.
Before the game
One of the most important considerations should be where and when to date. If you know that noise or crowds may overwhelm your child, choose a location that is most likely to have little stimulation. You probably already know that a local water playground on the hottest day of summer probably won’t be your best bet.
However, if you are planning to schedule it in a public place, try to choose a time when you know there will be fewer people, such as during school hours. Think it over in advance and come a little early so they can get used to the place. You will also want to pick a time when you know your child is not likely to be hungry or tired.
Dry also told me that you can work with him ahead of time, using “social stories” to prepare him for how he might react if he is depressed — and then practice using these coping mechanisms.
“You might say,“ There may be some loud noises; you can close your ears or leave, ”she says. “This is what a simple social story works great for; you can practice with your child before the event so that he knows what he can do if, say, he hears an overheard of an airplane flight. “
Before the date, Dry also advises not to forget to help them develop some basic skills in playing at home, such as sharing with each other and taking turns. Between the ages of 3 and 4, many children are still learning to play together, so a little practice is good preparation.
It looks like you are currently mostly playing with your friends and their children, so they may already understand that your son is on the autism spectrum and the problems he faces with games. However, if you are planning a date with a parent you are less familiar with, you should think about it ahead of time to avoid misunderstandings.
“If she’s comfortable telling people that her son is on the autism spectrum, I think it’s always a good idea,” says Dry. “She should also tell them that he is working to learn how to play with other children, but if his times are too tough, we may have to leave early and try again another time.”
During a date
The best thing you can do for him on a date is to consider and use his strengths. Most likely, he has favorite toys that he really likes, or with which he plays very well. Dry tells him to let him take a few of them with him – he may want to show the toys to his playmate and that might help start the game.
What if the kids just don’t communicate? Show them how it’s done! Go down to the floor and join in to simulate what the game looks like with others.
“She can start on the practical side and keep him close to her,” says Dry. “And then she might start to move away as he begins to master the skills of playing with others.”
Do you have a parenting dilemma? Send your questions to [email protected] with “Parental Advisory” in the subject line, and I’ll try to answer them here.