How Not to Care About People Who Don’t Like You
One day in high school, I discovered that my friends didn’t like me. One of the girls in my “group” told me that I was not invited to a birthday party because “everyone” thought I was annoying – that, to be honest, at 15 I probably already did – and for several months ostracized. It took me a while to make my way back to the gang, but until then I was devastated and vowed to spend the rest of my life being nice.
But, as David Foster Wallace (sorry) wrote in Infinite Jest (sorry again), “some people just won’t like you no matter what you do,” and no matter how cute you are, you won’t win. over everyone you meet.
“Remember, it’s impossible to please everyone,” Chloe Brotridge , a hypnotherapist and anxiety expert, tells us. “You have your own unique personality, which means that some people will love and adore you, while others will not.” Of course, while the concept is easy to grasp at first glance, it’s hard to control your point of view when you find yourself, say, haven’t received happy hour invitations with coworkers, or are getting evasive responses from potential new friends, or you are eavesdropping on roommates. scold you. Rejection is painful in any form, social or romantic, and it is a big blow to the ego when it is pushed out of the inner circle.
Before you worry, keep in mind that every now and then you are not liked – this is not only normal, but it is actually great. Denial is a way of figuring out who is compatible with whom, and just as romantic abandoning someone leaves you open to finding a better match, social exclusion gives you the space to find people who are slightly faster than your speed. It also gives you the freedom to not be afraid of being disliked – not that you have to run in violation of social norms, but when you don’t waste energy trying to force your personality to be accepted by someone else, you are more the likelihood of finding people who truly like you. for you, and maintaining that relationship is much less tiring.
Feeling unfriendly sucks, though. Here’s how to get through it without falling down the rabbit hole of sadness.
It’s okay to feel pain
Humans are social beings, so we experience painful biological responses to rejection. “Historically, this has been critical to our survival,” explains Bordridge. “When we developed and lived in tribes, it was a matter of life or death to be rejected and expelled from the community.”
When we are rejected, our brains register such a strong emotional chemical reaction that it can cause physical harm. We will also likely cycle through a series of responses that are no different from the stages of grief. First, the blame game begins. “The first stop on the train is to blame yourself:“ It’s my fault, I did something that upset them, ” Sean Grover , a psychotherapist and author of When the Children Call for Shots , tells us. Next comes shame: “You feel ashamed, you feel humiliated, you feel weak,” says Grover.
Then, like any abandoned person, you will probably try to act out your refusenik. “Not because you necessarily want them to like you, but you just don’t like that feeling of dislike,” says Grover. “It’s:” Let me please you so I can feel better. “
Last but not least, you will probably feel like a failure, and then it gets dark. “These are very, very primitive early feelings. If someone doesn’t like you, it causes regression, ”says Grover. “It usually takes you back to high school, high school, elementary school, when it was all about whether you were cool or not. Once you get trapped in this feeling, it really pulls you in and then you start to struggle. “
These feelings are not exactly pleasant, but they are also perfectly healthy and normal, unless you end up dwelling on them, preventing yourself from moving forward.
Know that it is not (entirely) your fault.
This type of rejection is literally personal, and it’s easy to start doubting your self-worth when someone makes it clear that they don’t like you. But we all act out of our own insecurity and unique experiences, and for the most part, dislike is a measure of mutual compatibility. So it’s not that it’s not you, but they, rather, it’s you and them. “This person, this situation where they are in their life, is incompatible with where you are,” Jennifer Verdolin , an animal behavior expert and associate professor at Duke University, tells us. “We have personal preferences, and that doesn’t mean you have a bad personality. He is different from mine, and I prefer to communicate with people who are like me. “
Sometimes people who don’t like you don’t think that certain aspects of your personality are mixing with theirs. sometimes you just don’t offer them enough social capital to be worth their time. “Since we are a very social species with a rather intense hierarchy of dominance – especially when it comes to work, and sometimes in social situations – people enter into certain strategic alliances and change alliances as they see fit to satisfy their needs according to their definition, – says Verdolin. “So people will try to achieve status, and for a long time, whether they like you or not, may have nothing to do with who you are.”
In any case, sympathy largely depends on what you bring to someone else’s table, regardless of whether you are aware of it or not. “We see it in all species. They prefer to spend time, in addition to mating, or with people who are similar to them in status, with people who are similar to them in character, with people who are genetically similar to them in some way, that is, with the family, ”- Verdolin. is talking. “So if you don’t have anything in common that is equal to both sides, you are more likely to be rejected. It’s kind of inevitable. “
But watch for signs of your bad behavior
While you don’t always have to blame yourself if someone doesn’t like you, if you find that this is a pattern, you can take an open-minded look at your behavior. “When I put people in a [therapy] group, I can see immediately what problems, tics, or bad social habits they have,” says Grover. He recalls his successful handsome male patient who had problems maintaining a romantic relationship. Although they could not solve the problem together in one-to-one therapy, Grover was able to convince the patient to join the group. “Five minutes later, I was terrified,” says Grover. “He gets very nervous in front of people and, in order to hide his anxiety, he becomes overconfident, which gives an impression of arrogance. The women in the group noted that he became less popular the more they got to know him. “
The patient’s anxiety manifested itself in such a way that it was difficult for him to communicate with people in a social environment, but since our own ego tends to protect us from our mistakes, he was not aware of his bad habits. “I had to help him understand how his anxiety manifests itself,” Grover said. “Worry can cause people to act aggressively or really anxious, and in a group situation, this is very effective to see.”
Verdolin says one way to find out what’s going on is to ask why you are not liked. Then, if someone tells you, for example, that you are annoying, or bragging too much, or obsessing over yourself, you can take a step back and analyze whether the criticism has any meaning. “Ultimately, you have to know who you are healthy enough. “Okay, this information sounds pretty reliable, I usually do it, I understand why it might not be attractive to other people, so I will work on changing it,” says Verdolin. “You may be given important information that you must take seriously and evaluate to see if it is true.”
However, remember that while some of your actions may alienate people, sympathy is usually a two-way street. “More often than not, it’s kind of a reflection of [the other person’s] history, their prejudices, their fears,” says Grover.
Remind yourself that making new friends is not an easy task.
One of my biggest fears is that I will find a new job or move to a new place where I don’t know anyone and that I will have to make new friends. Changing your social circle can isolate you; this is when you are most likely to feel dislike or suffer from social anxiety.
“I think we have a slightly unrealistic expectation that we can [enter social groups] anywhere and with all people,” Verdolin says. “When you first try to establish rapport with people in, say, a new work environment, you enter a dynamic that’s already embedded in the structure. There are already cliques, there are already personalities, there is already a dynamic, and you have no idea what you are entering. “
Verdolin suggests that people who need to start a new job or take a big step start slowly to get a feel for their new social environment. “For animals, sometimes they integrate by selectively interacting with everyone else in the group before making decisions, so to speak, to get an idea of the area, before trying to get down to business right away,” says Verdolin. For example, in a new job, it might be worth suggesting one-on-one dining with people to find the friendliest entry point for the group. “Some people are very welcoming and some are not,” says Verdolin. Get to know people slowly and focus on the ones who seem most receptive, not the most exclusive members of the group or the toughest nuts to crack.
Spend more time with people who are like you
Even if you find yourself stranded with some people, chances are you have at least a few people you can rely on when you feel unwell. “Spending time with people who care about you can boost your self-esteem and help you feel more secure,” says Brotridge. Aside from acting as a balm for your wounded ego, focusing your energy on relationships with people who value you, more broadly, will be a much more fulfilling use of your time and social energy.
And remember, the best way to make real friendships is to be sincere. “If you just walk around wanting to be liked, it’s a lot of stress and people will find it unreliable,” says Grover.
And tell the haters to suck it
At least tell them in your head. Grover says that when all else fails, it’s best to put up with the occasional foe. “Enjoy it. Really, just enjoy, ”he says. After all, Grover says sometimes it’s best to be formidable. “If people are jealous or something like that, any feeling is welcome.” You don’t need to be at enmity with people, but if someone doesn’t like you and the feeling is mutual, you also don’t have to go out of your way to calm them down.
This story was originally published in 2018 and has been updated with new information on 02/24/2020.