How to Enjoy Life Alone
When I moved out of the house where I lived with my ex-husband a little over four years ago, I was completely overwhelmed. I have had a committed relationship with him since I was 19, and I moved right from my mother’s house to his just before my 21st birthday. We lived separately for two years when I was finishing my bachelor’s degree, but I had a roommate who came to visit us on weekends. The thought of suddenly living alone scared me, but it absolutely rules.
Living alone is different for everyone, but that’s the beauty of it – it’s a completely customizable experience. There is some learning curve, however, especially if your entire existence has been shared, community, or family.
Give yourself time to adjust.
Living alone can be very awkward at first. Muscle memory is associated with the constant presence of another person or people around, and it takes time for your body and brain to adjust. According to Psychology Today , solitude can (ultimately) be quite free: “The mere presence of other people changes us. They get into our heads and under our skin, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. They steal a piece of our mental space. Alone in our own place, we can think with all our minds. “
Have you ever used your whole mind? It’s awful at first, but then you get used to it and you think, “Oh, it’s actually pretty good here.” You can indulge in corners of your brain that you may not have been able to access due to the crowd of other people.
It may take a little longer to get used to living alone physically, especially if you have been living with a romantic partner. For me, this was indeed one of the most serious trials during my separation and subsequent divorce. Sleeping alone for the first time in nearly a decade seemed physically wrong, not as dramatic as losing a limb, but akin to losing a little finger — destabilizing, slightly traumatic, and ugly.
The bondage solution is to sleep with other, new people, but this is rarely emotionally stable, and white legs wading through a few nights of physical loneliness until you get used to the whole bed may be more beneficial in the long run. I found it helpful to remember that – when I was living with my ex – I enjoyed the nights he was out of town immensely and fumbled my body on the mattress, safe and comfortable, knowing that I would not be woken up. snoring, fidgeting, or talking in sleep. (Happy couples will tell you they love to sleep in the same bed, but I suspect most of them lie.)
Separate your values from social norms
People, especially women, are taught that the happiest and most fulfilling existence is married life, bonus points if you produce offspring. This may or may not be true for you, and it can be helpful to explore your feelings and desires about such “goals.” (An appointment or visit to a therapist can help you figure this out.) According to happiness expert Paul Dolan , single childless women are the happiest group of people. According to Business Insider , speaking at the hay festival last year, Dolan said that while marriage has health benefits for men, this does not apply to women: “You [the man] take less risk, you make more money at work, and you live more. Little. She, on the other hand, has to put up with it, and she dies earlier than if she had never been married. The healthiest and happiest subgroup of the population is women who have never been married or had children. ”
I am not mentioning Dolan’s work in an attempt to discredit the happiness of those who are happily married with children (this blog is not for you!), But to emphasize that it is possible – and perhaps even easier – to be happy as a single person, especially if you are a woman , and this is the exact opposite of what you were probably told from childhood. You shouldn’t feel guilty if the absence of another person in your home turns out to be something that you lacked in your life.
Organize your shit exactly the way you want it.
Then there are the logistical and seemingly silly benefits of living alone. Being able to fill (or not fill) a space with any random item or piece of furniture you like is fun . My apartment looks like it was decorated with a horny drunken raccoon, and that makes me very happy. My eyes are forced to look only at objects that give me joy, my ears should only hear the music they like, and the temperature is never higher than a good 69 ℉. For more proof of how beautiful a truly personalized space can be, search YouTube for one-person apartment tours. Amy Sedaris is my favorite.
Enjoy the lack of coordination
One of the most tedious things about partnerships is the constant coordination. “When will you be at home?” and “What are we eating?” these are two questions that I only have to answer a couple of times a week, since my partner works at night and lives somewhere else. It’s actually good. Since my divorce, I’ve made more friends, traveled a lot and finally found a hobby that I love (oddly enough, it’s DJing). This is not what my group has banned any of these actions, but there is a certain amount of verification and planning when you live with someone – that is inevitable. Being alone most of the time also increases the likelihood that you will venture out and get carried away by the world, because yes, being alone can get bored, but total control over how many people you see at any given time makes the time you spend with others. more deliberate and (I think) special.
I also found that eating alone is slightly healthier, or at least more intuitive. My ex was a fast-metabolic male triathlete, and while our dietary needs didn’t always match, I found myself cooking more for him than for myself, which is quite common in heterosexual relationships. The only real outside influence on my diet is work, which, of course, is not a burden.
If you don’t believe me, believe Whoopi
I grew up watching Whoopi Goldberg give wise advice to a courteous Star Trek captain that strengthened her in my mind as an authority on life and life, and it worked out beautifully. Back in 2016, when the New York Times magazine asked about marriage, she made it clear that cohabitation was not for her. “I am much happier alone. I can spend as much time with someone as I want, but I don’t want to be with someone forever or live with someone, ”Goldberg said. “I don’t want anyone in my house.”
The whole quote is good, but most of all I think about the last part. I really don’t want anyone to be in my house, at least not all the time, and you don’t have to.