Ask Yourself How You Want People to Feel
Many of us interact with others based on “what do I hope to get from this experience?” At work, we go to meetings hoping we can say something smart (or, in some cases, sit quietly until the meeting is over); At home, we get together with our families for dinner in the hope that we can convince the children to eat their vegetables or say something about our day other than “everything was good.”
A lot of what we do depends on what kind of interaction we would like to have, and we may have to approach the issue from the opposite point of view.
As behavioral analyst Kerry Goyett explains in Harvard Business Review , it’s worth asking yourself what you think other people will experience when interacting with you:
What kind of experience do I want to create for people who read my post or follow my direction?
In other words: you have the ability to make other people feel comfortable, safe, and heard, and you can make people feel uncomfortable, insecure, and ignored.
What are you going to do?
If you really want people to feel comfortable and willing to contribute, first make sure the experience is available to everyone you want to invite. It can be as simple as providing enough chairs for everyone, or as complex as making a menu that provides options for people with different eating habits and preferences. This could mean looking for a location that is literally accessible, i.e. ADA compliant. It can also mean arranging your meeting so that both louder and quieter voices can be heard.
Once you get beyond the basic logistics of an event, you’ll want to ask yourself how your behavior might affect the experience you create. Are you going to greet everyone who arrives, or are you going to be late and / or unprepared? Will your presence and behavior communicate what you hope guests will take to the event, or will it actively work against the experience you hope to get?
Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering , describes the beginning of a meeting, gathering, or event as a “psychological threshold”:
An opening, whether designed on purpose or not, signals guests what to expect from the experience. […] What do I think of this meeting? Am I in good hands? Is the owner nervous? Should I be? What will happen here? Is it worth my time? Do I belong? I want to belong?
Basically, if you want people to feel they belong, you need to demonstrate that belonging with your words and actions.
This type of thinking also works with friends, family members, and other loved ones. As the late Toni Morrison, Nobel and Pulitzer laureate The Beloved , The Blueest Eye, and many other contemporary classics, explained in an interview with Oprah :
“When my kids walked into a room when they were young, I would look at them to see if they were strapped on their pants, had their hair brushed or their socks pulled up,” [Morrison] told Oprah in 2000. “You think your affection and your deep love are showing because you care about them. Is not. When they see you, they see a critical face. But if you let your face say what’s in your heart … because when they entered the room, I was glad to see them. You see, he’s just as small.
Morrison advised parents to let their face light up when their children walk into the room to create an atmosphere of love and acceptance. Brené Brown, author of Gifts of Imperfection , explains how taking Morrison ‘s advice changed the experience she gave her children :
Before Ellen left for college, as she walked down the stairs dressed for school, I didn’t want my first comment to be “pulling your hair back” or “these shoes don’t match your dress.” I wanted my face to convey how happy I am to see her – to be with her. Now that she is building her life, I pray that she will find people in her life who light up when they see her. I hope I helped her establish that expectation.
The next time you’re planning a meeting, a group dinner, meeting a friend for coffee, or greeting your kids after they return from school, what are you going to do to set the tone for the interaction? It can be as simple as smiling and greeting everyone who walks into the room, and the more you think about how you feel about the people around you, the more experience you will have together.