Yes, You Should Consider Your Friends’ Finicky Children.
Right before Thanksgiving, I told you all that you should only allow your kids to eat rolls during a large meal if all they want are rolls. This position, from which I will not deviate, is rooted in a basic two-part parenting principle that everyone must adopt: 1. Don’t choose food battles in other people’s homes, and 2. Don’t choose your food battles based on the holidays, events or when you are in the midst of a large meeting.
It just seems like best practice to me. If you go to someone else’s house or go to dinner, even twice a month, you still have 341 other days a year, with which you will constantly eat what is prepared for the whole family and / or try something new. You might feel that Easter Brunch at Nana’s house is the perfect opportunity to get them to try some baked potatoes, even if they really don’t want to; I’ll be fine if they eat a bunch of ham and three or four grapes. We just have to agree to disagree.
But what I was shocked to find is there is disagreement over whether your friends’ picky eating kids are accommodating when you invite them to your house for large group dinners. This question (and the reviewer’s answer!), Which was in the Care and Feeding section of Slate last week , baffled me. I know they do n’t ask me , but nevertheless, I think it would be helpful for them to get a second opinion if they want their friends to keep in touch with them.
It starts like this:
My wife and I believe that cooking and eating with young children is very valuable. We refuse to be quick cooks or prepare individual meals for children, but we always try to cook what the children love. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but for the most part, our kids eat well and our dinners are fun.
We spend a lot of time with other families in situations where one family is responsible for preparing meals for the group. Many of our friends’ children are picky about their food, as evidenced by parents who prepare or expect special child-friendly meals in addition to the main meal.
I think it’s great that you prioritize family meals and I definitely muttered the words “this is not a restaurant” once or twice myself. But as a parent of a child, I would classify him as someone who is currently not adventurous in their eating habits, saying that things like picky eaters are “bolstered” by the accommodations their parents make for them just sounds like the judgment of someone who has never been the parent of a picky eater. And I would be surprised if your feelings about their parenting on this topic were not already apparent to your friends.
Until you have raised a truly choosy eater, it’s hard to imagine how much anxiety and frustration this can bring to the home – for the parent and child. It’s not that you handled the food right and they didn’t, so now they’ve created a monster. They are the parenting of the child they have, and not the one that you think they could have created because your children are different. Your dining experience is probably very different from that of your friends. But continue anyway:
We’re happy in almost every way to relax our routines for these get-togethers, but I’m uncomfortable trying my best to prepare a second dinner. This always leads to problems. If I cook, their kids make a scene because of the disgusting food, or their parents just bring with them baby food that they cook or that I have to cook. This special kids meal is sure to go viral, even if my kids enjoy regular food.
Are you “happy to relax your routine in almost every way” when you invite guests to dinner? Well, I hope so. Otherwise, why renew the invitation at all?
You may be exaggerating for dramatic effect, but if the kids actually say the food is “disgusting,” this is obviously not good and their parents should not allow it. There is only one correct answer to an offer of food that you don’t want or don’t like, and that is: “No thanks.” But it looks like the parents are trying to compromise by bringing extra food themselves without expecting you to provide it. I can’t imagine we’re talking about something more complex here than a box of mac and cheese.
My wife is more accommodating than I am, and I’m sure the correct answer is to just be kind . But for me, eating with the whole family and welcoming friends is an important social event where children learn to exist together in this world.
Preparing a separate baby meal signals that they are more special than everyone else, or that they should never be less than completely satisfied. It states that in group situations, the group’s well-being is second only to their happiness, and that politeness or gratitude should not be expected from the owner.
Yes, the correct answer is just to be nice, so I put it in bold. But is coming to your house for dinner really “big social events” when you expect all the children to leave after learning how to coexist in this world? Or should it instead be … a treat? Meeting to have fun, make some memories and eat good food, however they define it.
Preparing a separate baby meal does not mean that they are more special than you; it signals that you care that the experience is enjoyable for both adults and children. The group’s well-being does not seem to be second only to their happiness; It seems that the well-being of the group is of secondary importance after you are correct on this point.
And all this does not mean that they should not be simultaneously polite and grateful to the owner; it should be an expectation, no matter what.
I understand that this is a kind of over-framing. I also understand that there is a counterargument here about being a gracious host. But adjusting to picky kids doesn’t seem to me like realizing legitimate dietary restrictions, which is an important act of putting others first. I think it’s kind of rude to expect other people to cook special meals for your picky kids, and that creates a sense of self-worth that really worries me. What do you think?
Accommodation of picky children is different from the tact of legitimate dietary restrictions. The latter is a necessity; the first is kindness. And I suspect you are already considering the dietary preferences of adults; If you knew that one friend really doesn’t like seafood, would you fry a bunch of scallops?
If your friends legitimately show up and expect you to cook a lot of “special” meals for a few kids, of course that is overkill. I would try to find one or two simple kid-friendly food options that are on hand and they can bring side dishes or other snacks. Some macaroni and cheese, frozen waffles, chicken cutlets … shit, order them a pizza! It’s a party!
All this can also be discussed in advance. “Hey, note, I’m going to make pasta with bolognese sauce,” you might say. “Will the kids eat this?” If the answer is “God, that sounds amazing! Unfortunately, Sam is currently at the stage of really giving up pasta, “and then together they came up with Plan B.
It seems to me that your friends are trying to have fun and enjoy your company, following the principle I outlined above: do not choose food battles in other people’s homes. If you really can’t accommodate your kids (or let your friends do what they do), you should probably skip the responsibilities of being a host. Personally, I would not want this to be the hill on which my friendship died.