How to Develop Patience in Your Only Child
As a parent of an only child, I don’t believe many of the prevailing stereotypes about singles. As a group, they are not spoiled, unadapted, selfish and strange people. Any child can be any of these people, no matter how many siblings they have.
But as parent trainer Megan Leahy writes in the Washington Post , parents of only children may want to pay a little more attention to what she calls their “disappointment tolerance.” Since being an only child does not necessarily mean that they are generously pampered every day, it means that their needs – and their desires – are easier to satisfy.
I sympathize with parents of single children because how can you keep all the boundaries you want to stick to when you only have one child pulling your leg? How can you show your child how unfair life is when you can make life easier for one child? I cannot take care of all three of my children’s needs at the same time. One child needed to be fed, and the other was bored, tears flowed, and that was all. Tolerance for disappointment has been built! Parents with many children do not seek to create disappointment; it happens naturally.
Since I am a former adoptive parent, I had a somewhat unusual experience where I had an only child, then two children, and then one child again – more than once. And every time, only after we returned to raising only my son, I was amazed at how easy it was to organize our lives so that it worked best for him.
It happens without even thinking about it. We can get the pizza toppings he prefers every time we order (because we can all get the toppings we prefer). He rarely has to miss a soccer game or school event because if one parent’s schedule has a conflict, the other doesn’t. He can choose which one to ride first at the fair because why not choose?
This does not mean that I think that only children get what they want, when they want. They have to queue, obey classroom rules, and go to bed early in the evenings like any other child. But should they exercise patience at home as regularly as a child who has a couple of siblings with their own needs and desires? No, not really.
But that’s okay, says Leahy. Because parents of only children can find ways to help them exercise those patience muscles.
When you are raising one child, you must consciously create situations in which you allow your child to suffer. Yeah, you need to help your son to suffer purposefully. This means that you are allowing scenarios to play out in which his nagging, rejection, and general bad attitude does not grab your attention or change your mind. His nagging and denial will come to a head, but if you stick to the rules and stay calm, your son will eventually fizzle out. He’s not going to get his way, and this path through tantrum is the disappointment tolerance you want.
Let them suffer a little! Specially! Do they want to leave family meeting before you? It’s a pity they can whine as much as they want; they won’t ruin your good time. Don’t they like the menu at this restaurant? Well, we do.
When you deprive them of preference in intelligent but frequent ways, you are actually helping them learn to feel and deal with disappointment.