How to Challenge Your Very Sensitive Child
As one pediatrician and author put it , some babies are like dandelions. They are quite resilient, able to cope with stress, change and adversity. Others are more like orchids; they are more sensitive, seem more sensitive, or struggle with change or unexpectedness. If you are the parent of one of these orchids – also known as very sensitive children – you know how difficult it can be to buy them clothes that are not prickly, keep them from overstimulation in a noisy meeting, or help them re-acclimate for the start of the new school year.
Highly sensitive children ( and adults ) are easier to upset, may suffer more from separation anxiety, and may need more structuring and downtime. In other words, they can be a big challenge for parents, ”says Cheryl Paul, author of The Wisdom of Anxiety and mother of two very sensitive children.
“You want to empower them and take them out of their comfort zone,” says Paul, “but not enough to cause injury. Because they are more susceptible to this traumatic reaction. “
So how do you get your very sensitive child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things without going too far and giving too much?
Patience, patience and more patience
Recognizing that some situations will be more difficult for your very sensitive child, and being patient for this, is a good first step.
“Parents of very sensitive children often compare their child to children living on the street or at school, who are more adventurous, who have sleepovers, or who are going to summer camp,” says Paul. “We, as parents, want our children to have such a fun experience and therefore we tend to push them beyond their natural limits.”
But, she says, it is important to follow the lead of your very sensitive child, and to do this, you need to go beyond conventional expectations about timelines. This may mean you play a few night games as a test run before your child is ready for a full night’s sleep, but that’s okay.
Spread their passions
My son is very sensitive (like his mother). He also loves to play football. However, in order to play football, he sometimes needs a new pair of football boots. As the weeklong soccer camp approached last summer, I knew we couldn’t postpone it any longer; the old thorns were so small to him that they even hurt his legs. So we went to a sporting goods store where he tried on all the available cuts in his size.
This one felt too tight in his toes; the one was too stiff on the back of the ankle; and why is the language rubbing about this pair so much ??? When there were six or seven pairs in the pile and the employee told us we had no options, he had to make a choice. If he wanted to go to football camp, he had to choose a pair of new boots. No thorns, no camp.
I knew that after a couple of hours of jogging in any pair he chose, he would get used to them and would not notice that his tongue was touching the top of his ankle when he flexed his leg that way. But the thought of being so uncomfortable all week really scared him. However, he loves football more than he fears discomfort, so in the end he chose the least aggressive pair from the pile.
“In part, they find regulation through their own interests,” says Paul. “Truly tune in to your child’s interests and allow (those interests) to motivate them to move outside their comfort zone.”
In other words, if your very sensitive child does not particularly like to dance, then taking him to the ballet every week is probably not the best way to help him overcome separation anxiety; instead, involve her in something that she likes enough to get through the stress of separation.
Keep your point of view
It is important to find resources and ways to connect with other parents of very sensitive children. Elaine Aron , a psychologist and renowned researcher in the field, estimates that 15 to 20% of children are very sensitive. So while the other 80-85 percent have no problem opting for a new sneaker or going through a high-profile family reunion without melting, it’s not just you and your child who are coping with this hypersensitivity.
Paul says it’s also helpful to remember that the very qualities that make highly sensitive children a problem for parents are also attributes that we will most admire in them.
“The gifts of sensitivity far transcend the challenges associated with them,” says Paul. “You are with an extraordinary being and we want to continue to take care of that.”