How to End a Friendship (and How to Start One), With Dr. Miriam Kirmeier
This week we tackle challenging friendship scenarios in the Renewal program with psychologist Miriam Kirmeier , which explains why it is so difficult to navigate the norms of friendship and how to peacefully sever ties that no longer work. In addition to researching the science of friendship for nearly a decade, Dr. Kirmeier also writes a Psychology Today column entitled ” Accidental Closure ” and frequently consults with publications such as The New York Times , The Atlantic , Forbes and Time magazine .
After giving advice on how to end a friendship, Dr. Kirmeier then answers friendship questions posted by an Upgrade listener and Lifehacker reader, which cover everything from dealing with a friend’s terrible spouse to making friends as an adult.
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Highlights from this week’s series
From an interview with Dr. Kirmeier:
Why friendship affects our well-being so much:
One of the things that makes our friendships so strong and important, and so closely related to our sense of well-being and mental health, is the fact that they are voluntary. So, unlike our relationships with our partners or our family members, where there is an expectation that we should remain involved to some extent in each other’s lives, we do not see the same expectation when it comes to our friendship. And that means friends really have to constantly choose, stay involved in each other’s lives, and stay connected that way. And that’s why we can feel so close to our friends and why the approving support we receive from our friends is so important. But that’s why when they come to an end … [it] can be so devastating and really very painful.
How to deal with a friend’s hurtful behavior:
My first advice in any situation where we feel that our friends do not respect our needs, our situation, or our loved ones is to ask: did you say something? Have you shared that you are in pain, and not only what upsets you, but why ? Very often, when we talk about difficult situations, we very quickly just give it up and expect the people closest to us to understand the reason why it hurts. But giving them some idea of why it hurts can help people get a sense of their point of view, which ultimately leads to more productive conversations and the kinds of conversations that can lead not only to decisions, but also to a sense of closeness between people. attitude. So I would advise people to kind of ask their friends, “What’s going on?” Tell us why this is important, and maybe share a few solutions yourself.
For more advice from Miriam, check out the podcast! You will likely not only hear familiar friendship problems, but you will also get therapist-approved tricks on how to deal with them.
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