So, You Cheated on Your Partner, but You Want to Stay Together. Now What?
So you went and did what you swore you would never do: you cheated on your partner. You will likely have a lot of questions, including what comes next. If your partner decides to end the relationship, you have nothing to do, but if he wants to stay together, you have a job ahead of you. It won’t be easy, but you can build a relationship after someone has cheated. Here’s what to do when all parties involved are unanimous in moving forward together.
Decide what you want
Your partner might want to save your relationship, but you? This is an extremely difficult question for yourself. It sucks to know that you’ve hurt your loved one by deceiving them, and it’s natural to want to not hurt them more.
Your first instinct may be to return to your partner and ask for forgiveness, but it’s important to be honest with yourself about your motives for cheating . Have you changed because you felt like your relationship was over? Do you have real feelings for the person you cheated on? You’re only prolonging your partner’s pain by making them believe that the two of you still have a future together, so be honest with them (and with yourself) now.
Break it up with another person
This should be taken for granted, but if you decide that you want to maintain a relationship with your partner, you need to completely break it off with the other person. Obviously, it will be much more difficult if you have developed a friendship or relationship with another person than if you had only one night.
As hard as it is, it’s best never to see them in person again. You will again avoid the temptation of deception and will be able to end the relationship more gently. Instead of discussing it in person, send an email with an unambiguous explanation that you are staying in your relationship. Respect the bond you two had, but be firm in your decision. Finally, let your partner know about any steps you have taken to break the contact.
Tell your partner the truth
Make sure you tell your partner the whole truth about your romance. Take full responsibility and accountability for your actions. It will suck, but you owe it. If you are caught or only revealed a few details, you may be tempted to minimize the amount of information you share with your partner. Unfortunately, you can be pretty sure that these other details will come to the surface later, and it will be much more painful for them to realize that you are still lying. The messy details aren’t necessary, but your partner should know all the information we’ve covered in this post .
Be present, but not a punching bag
You hurt your partner and now you have to deal with the consequences. For example, your partner may be provoked by seemingly harmless things, and he wants you to understand how much he is suffering. You must weather the storm with them. Help your partner know that you still love him or her, you make sure it doesn’t happen again, and you make a conscious decision to stay in the relationship.
However, there are limits. Your fraud does not give your partner the right to attack or insult you. You don’t have to give up your privacy or let your partner control your life. If they ask for your account passwords or unlimited access to your phone, say something like, “I know I need to earn your trust again, but I don’t think this is the best way for me” (because it really is not ).
You should also draw boundaries around questions that you know will be too painful to answer. If they ask about dirty details, say something like “I don’t want to hide anything from you, but I also don’t think this information will be useful in any way.” You want to be honest, but also leave room for the two of you to move forward without paying too much attention to the past.
Be mindful of sex
Chances are, sex between you and your partner will be pretty difficult for quite some time . Be prepared to expect this. Your partner may not want to be intimate for a while, and when you start having sex again, he may cause irritation or emotion when you are together. It takes time, but it’s best to respect your partner’s boundaries and get back to basics. Focus on hugs, kisses, and simple touches. Try to be present with your partner. Remind them what you love about them and the unique aspects of your sexual relationship.
Learn from this
Perhaps you cheated for no good reason, or you cheated because your relationship was strained or troubled. After the initial crisis is over, try to be honest with yourself and your partner about what happened in the relationship before you changed.
If you are serious about improving your relationship, you may need outside help. Show your partner your commitment by taking the lead in family counseling. Find therapists in your area, schedule your first appointment, and let your partner know that you will be staying long. You can also seek individual therapy to better understand the reasons why you cheated at all.
These are incredibly difficult conversations because you cannot blame your partner for cheating. A qualified professional can help you with these conversations. You may need to talk about how you communicate, how you deal with conflict, or how to protect your relationship from future infidelity.
Forgive yourself
Yes, you have made a huge, terrible mistake. You should spend a lot of time thinking about what led you to cheating, the consequences of your actions, and how to avoid repeating the same mistake in the future. But you must also be able to forgive yourself in the end . Everyone messes up, and most of us make pretty big mistakes at some point in our lives. This is one of those. But this does not mean that you are pure evil, and you cannot dwell on this forever. Don’t spend the rest of your life hating yourself; it will not benefit you, your partner, or your relationship. (Or a future relationship, for that matter.)
This is not embellishing: there is a long and uneven road ahead. But with love, patience, and hard work, you can bring the relationship back from the brink and move forward.
This story was originally published on 11/2/15 and updated on 10/15/19 to provide more complete and up-to-date information.