Be Less Polite
The best thing you can say to your friend is “Fuck you!” Not when you’re really angry, but when you’re playing the fool, and they just corrected you, and you admit that yes, you belong. This “fuck you” says, “We are in a circle of trust and intimacy, and therefore we don’t need to be polite.”
“Polite” is good, with its help strangers, acquaintances and professional colleagues ensure uninterrupted work. But this has limits. Being polite means keeping your distance. These are the tiny apologies we whisper when we accidentally hit a stranger. This “darling” starts the email and “sincerely” closes it. These are intrusive questions that we don’t ask during small talk.
It is a great honor to refuse courtesy. It doesn’t mean being a jerk. This means that you change “hello” to “hey”. You pee when the door is open and you poop when your partner is at home. You ask, “Are you two planning to have children?” because you are close friends and they may ask the same from you. Sometimes you let them take the check.
This does not mean that you start to be a jerk – no, it means that you relate better to the other person. All the claims you drop will also fall. You let them ask you interesting questions. You let them impose. You still respect them, but now you also bring them closer.
CD Baby founder Derek Sivers calls it thoughtful . According to him, being attentive means showing attention and gifts to someone in order to win their love. Being meta-mindful means treating them like your loved one, letting them haunt you.
There is of course a balance; there is always a balance. Sometimes your friend is actually too rude, sometimes you misunderstand your relationship, sometimes you forget to check for cues and embarrass yourself. This is life, this is the basis of every sitcom, this is the dance that we all play. If only we could all be perfect rationalists or the planet of Star Trek’s unwilling telepaths. And it’s a dance to follow and lead to be the first to bring the toothbrush to its place, to crack the first “my kids suck” joke of your fellow parents to join fried in a group chat.
You can even be considerate of strangers. You can break the polite silence to make a joke or compliment them. Anything that violates good etiquette so you can do something nice . Attacking a stranger, criticizing him, or being overly curious is not meta-courtesy. Labeling or greeting your child is meta-mindfulness. Personally, I find it meta-judicious not to say “bless you,” but I know I’m ahead of my time.
You can also notice the difference between being “technically polite” – for example, letting pedestrians walk in front of your vehicle, even if you have a right of way – and “practically polite” – for example, obeying normal traffic rules so that no one enters strange road. “No, after you !” dead end at the crosswalk.
And from time to time, you can be really nice to your friends and tell them, “Fuck you!” Of course, tune in to your comfort.