Why Protecting Your Child’s Downtime Is so Important
We know that kids are overwhelmed and overwhelmed. We know they have less downtime, less time for boredom, and less time for play than we did as kids. But we may not have realized that all the pressure on students, especially in high-performing schools, is causing higher levels of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and delinquency.
As the Washington Post reports:
In the statement of consensus study on promoting equity in health of American children released this summer by the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine, the youth of the “schools with high progress” has been added to their list of “risk groups”, along with children living in poverty and foster families, recent immigrants and imprisoned parents.
Last year, a report by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation found a similar conclusion when it identified key environmental conditions that are detrimental to adolescent health – poverty, injury, discrimination, and “undue pressure to dominate,” often but not exclusively occurring in affluent communities.
It has always been tough in middle and high school, but the pressure on students is now unprecedented. It’s not enough to struggle with the calculation anymore – they need to take a place in the AP calculations. It’s not enough just to play basketball – they need to be noticed by a college recruiter. It’s not enough to play the violin – you have to get into the Juilliard. In these successful communities, every aspect of their life can turn into a pressure cooker.
It may be true that this “over-pressure to be successful” often happens in wealthy communities, but the pressure is spreading to students everywhere. And even if this pressure does not come from home, it still seeps out – from coaches, administrators, teachers and their peers.
This is why parents should help their children maintain a sense of balance by emphasizing values and character rather than achievement, and constantly discussing how they can best spend their time and energy.
Fight Pressure With a Family Contract
One way to do this, according to The Post , researcher Denise Pope, co-founder of Challenge Success, is to create a “family contract” to help children maintain this balance:
When Pope’s children were in high school, she signed a family contract each year that explained values in their family, such as compulsory family meals. Play, play and time with the family all protect against stress and pressure, and parents should save this time, even if it is contrary to generally accepted norms.
You can start by sitting down with your child and agreeing to some basic rules. It might look like this:
- You will be having dinner with the whole family at least four nights a week (even if that means it should be a little earlier or a little later than usual).
- They may only have regularly scheduled meetings, practices or activities three times a week in the evenings at school; the other two school nights are “decompression nights.”
- On weekends, you have a constant family date. It could be a movie night on Sunday or a regular Saturday morning breakfast at your favorite diner. Set aside one block of time over the weekend to do something together that you all enjoy.
You and your kids may agree that there can be some compromise and flexibility here, but for the most part, these are the rules by which you will live. Everyone signs a contract, and then you can revise it together annually at the beginning of each school year.
By emphasizing the need for balance and downtime, and by setting these limits at home, you will realize that your accomplishments are not what you value most.