How to Stop Overreacting to Everything
There is nothing wrong with intermittent overreaction, but if you are constantly upset, angry, or overly defensive, it’s unpleasant for you and the people around you. Here’s how to stop.
Know the difference between overreaction and overreaction
It is important to understand the difference between overreacting and overreacting because not all intense reactions are overreacted . It is perfectly normal to feel your emotions and express yourself accordingly. As in physics, every action can have an equal and opposite reaction. If something is really upsetting, you can get upset. If something rightfully makes you angry, you may get angry.
The problem arises when you start to react wider than justified. For example, if you forget to take milk, this is not a reason to yell at someone else. You forgot that, not them, but more importantly: it’s just milk. Overreacting will never make things better. Let’s say someone forgot milk, and now the food you cooked has somehow gone bad. Shouting at them will not bring you milk, and now you have created a new problem between you and the other person. Stress makes us overreact, but overreaction does not release it. All it does is create more stressors in our environment.
There are two main types of re-reactors: internal and external. Internal super-reactors fixate on things that do not go towards them, unable to think about anything else. Their overreaction affects their happiness and allows them to interfere with what they want to do. For example, the internal super-reactor chatters that someone has disconnected it from the traffic jams all day, but could never forget about this fact. They may have thoughts “why me?” or “it always happens to me,” causing a lot of stress.
As Susan of Sound Mind explains, external super reactors are a more classic variation . They scream, yell, or snarl at people when something is not quite what they want. Regardless of your own tendencies, always remember that some reactions are justified, especially when you respond rather than react . The trick is to be aware if you are overreacting. It’s not always easy to understand, but hopefully by the end of this you will have a much better understanding of what you can do to reduce the chances of overreacting.
Define your triggers
Most of the time, we have certain triggers that make us overreact. We all have a button, and from time to time someone knows exactly how to press it. Getting ready is the best way to prevent overreaction, so think about the things that really excite you the most. If you know them, you can learn to better control yourself when times like these come.
Personally, I know that I overreact when people ask me to do something or did without giving an example. I am annoyed by the generalization of “you always do this or that,” and I would overreact by demanding – in an unpleasant manner – a concrete example of when I actually did this or that.
So think about the past month and that something is upsetting you. Reasonably or not, determine what worries you the most. It could be rejection, criticism, or even something that has nothing to do with you, such as a friend who comes across as ignorant by spewing out facts that you know are not true .
It’s also important to think about the main contributing factors, such as lack of sleep, hunger or thirst, or overwork. What happened to you and your body the last time you overreacted? Have you eaten for a while? Did you have water that day? Was it the end of a hectic week? All this can turn the most calm people into children with tantrums. I know that I myself am very “hungry”. Find out what triggers your bomb so you know how to defuse it before it explodes next time .
Breathe before you do anything.
When you come dangerously close to one of your triggers, the best thing you can do is pause before responding. Even if you’re alone, Julie Hanks of World of Psychology invites you to practice taking deep breaths :
Whenever you feel like jumping off the handle, take a deep breath. Deep breathing slows down your fight or flight response and allows you to calm your nervous system and choose a more thoughtful and productive response. Try taking a deep breath the next time someone stops you in traffic. In my recent Facebook poll, overreaction while driving was the most frequently cited overreaction scenario. Imagine if all the drivers sighed before answering, making hand gestures, or shouting obscenities.
As simple as it sounds, taking a deep breath is soothing and gives you time to think seriously about what just happened. Maybe you are jumping to conclusions and now you have time to think things over. Or maybe taking a deep breath will give you a moment to realize that throwing the controller is likely to break it. Imagine yourself with a pot of water about to boil. Nothing will cool you down completely in an instant, but breathing in for a moment and separating from the heat source will prevent clutter from arising.
Listen to your personal control room
After taking a breath, check your control tower. Imagine that you are a pilot and there is nothing you can do until you go through control with them. Psychologist Arlene K. Unger recommends that you always sort things out with the FAA :
- Freezing: Pay attention to changes within yourself (tension, temperature, heart rate). Keep breathing and cool down.
- Analyze: Think rationally about what just happened. Find a way to show compassion and not attribute what happened to you.
- Take action : Express yourself with self-affirmations or withdraw from the situation. If you’re still upset, find a way to change your feelings.
This system gives you the tools to systematically deal with unpleasant situations. Emotions will still be there, but you can stop them from exploding and redirect them to something more productive. You would be surprised how long you can take to avoid overreaction.
Get a glimpse of the past and future
After letting go of the moment, always take the time to get some idea of what happened. This may be more difficult for some, but it is important to look back. Not to scold yourself for overreaction, but to learn. Ask yourself the big questions: why did I do this? What could I have done differently? Was it important at all? If you find it difficult to think about your actions, separate from the event and step back some distance. How would other people see it? How would other people handle it? Managing your prospect is one of the hardest things to do, but in the long run, it will help you the most.
From a perspective, you must not only look back at how you acted, but also forward. Check your expectations and make sure they are realistic. There is no black or white, so don’t think that everything is good or everything is bad. All people and situations are in a gray area. As Live Love Work’s Christa Byr explains, a lot of our overreaction comes from expecting too much from others . Think about what other people want or how they might feel about things. Overreaction is inherently selfish . Stop thinking that you are entitled to certain things. By taking some time to manage your expectations, you can greatly reduce the likelihood that you will overreact.
Don’t hold back your emotions
Sometimes an acute reaction happens because things are left intact. If something bothers you for a really long time, the slightest injection can burst the balloon. If possible, look into the past and eliminate any emotional relics that you may have. If you don’t, you may end up with what psychiatrist Judith Siegel calls a “flood” :
In addition to dealing with a difficult moment, you may find that all the old and negative emotional memories associated with the situation flood you …
Solve problems when they arise, or as soon as possible. Let it out so you can let it go and move on. Find a friend or loved one whom you can give an outlet to. As long as they are not part of the problem – and you trust them – lay it out when they are ready to listen. If you can’t speak to someone in person, write it down on paper . Keep a diary, write a letter; do your best to unload. Emotional baggage becomes fuel when your bomb explodes.
Life is hard, take your helmet . When things go wrong, there are many alternatives to lose your temper. Express yourself and react to things accordingly, but do yourself – and those around you – a favor and stop your ticking ticking time bomb before it starts.
This story was originally published on 1/15/15 and updated on 9/26/19 with new photos and updated links.