How to Stop Competing With Your Friends
You never expect it to happen – it usually just sneaks up on you: feeling like you’re in competition with a friend. Sure, you know it isn’t (unless it’s the 1992 Olympics and you’re eitherDan or Dave ), but it’s really hard not to compare yourself to your peers, especially when they’re friends.
On the one hand, they are your friends, and you are happy for them and want them to succeed. But on the other hand, it can be difficult to watch someone progress in an area of their life where you may feel like you have stopped (even if you really are not).
Regardless of which side of the competitive equation you find yourself on, it can be frustrating and frustrating. If you find yourself competing with a friend, you may feel like you are inadequate or are doing something wrong because you have not achieved the same accomplishments. And if you find that your friend is feeling competitive with you, he may seem like he doesn’t want you to be happy. Either way, this is not good for your relationship.
But this is also completely normal. “I think it’s natural to compete with friends,” says Lifehacker Dionne Metzger , MD, a psychiatrist based in Atlanta. “As we go through different stages of life with friends — be it school, career, or relationships — we tend to compare our lives when it hits different milestones.”
And social media is definitely not helping. When people feel obligated to create an ideal life and then publish it for everyone to see, it is very difficult to ignore the achievements of others, which was not the case 15 years ago. Social media is basically like attending a regular high school meeting where everyone shows off their best qualities. While we know this is not reality, it can be difficult to convince ourselves otherwise.
So how can we be less competitive with our friends, or at least better handle it? Here are some tips that might help.
Be careful when using social media
We know that social media upsets us and spark competition between friends, but most of us are unable to completely abandon it. In these situations, we should at least be more careful about the impact that social media can have on our brains and moods.
According to Adam L. Fried , Ph.D., a clinical psychologist practicing in Phoenix and an assistant professor of psychology at Midwest University , there have been several studies suggesting that heavy use of social media can lead to negative emotions and even depression. “Theories differ as to exactly how this might happen, but the one that has received some support describes a ‘ bottom-up social comparison’ where people regularly compare themselves to others, especially those who are perceived to be doing better than them. and may be more likely. feel bad if the comparison is negative, ”he tells Lifehacker.
Use your friends’ successes as inspiration
Competition isn’t always bad. For example, when friends reach their fitness goals or succeed in their careers, Metzger says it should inspire you, not make you feel worse. After all, if they can get there, you probably can too. “It’s better to rethink your confidence, and this will help you to positively perceive their achievements,” she notes. When this feeling of rivalry arises, we should try to use it as a positive thing. Metzger explains that when your friend gets such a big promotion for their hard work, it can be a source of inspiration for you to move up the career ladder.
Identify Feelings That Arouse Comparisons
Another way to work through the idea that you are competing with a friend is to identify certain emotions triggered by comparing yourself to them. “Some people may over-focus on these comparison methods, which can relate to just about anything, including social media reviews, body type, car / lifestyle type, money earned, number of friends, and activities,” Fried explains.
In working with clients dealing with this, he discovers that it can be helpful to try to identify the feelings that generate those comparisons – envy, self-loathing, anger, etc. – and why this particular comparison point is so important to the person. It can also be helpful to identify the types of global self-images these feelings generate. “For example, do they consider themselves ‘losers’ because they don’t have something or something like the other person?” Fried notes.
Remember that everyone has their own schedule.
Contrary to what your parents may have told you, there is no scenario or checklist for when you must achieve various milestones, such as finding a partner or becoming a parent. In fact, Metzger says that competing for many achievements in life is unrealistic. “We can’t work harder to achieve certain goals in life, such as getting married or having children,” she explains. “We also don’t have to rush these milestones according to someone else’s schedule.”
Feelings of rivalry and inferiority often arise when friends achieve personal accomplishments, such as getting engaged or buying a house. As much as you think you should be doing these things, wasting energy on feeling unwell or jealous of a friend, you will not achieve anything. It also doesn’t mean that just because your friend reached a certain milestone first, you will never achieve it yourself.
“Once again, rethink your confidence to know that it will happen to you when it should,” says Metzger. “The biggest mistake I’ve seen is people who force themselves to stay in touch with friends. You cannot hasten love and commitment, and you definitely should not hasten parenting. Your speed is the right speed. “