Why You Should Treat Your Children Unevenly
My two children are opposites in almost every sense. My son is loud, impulsive, confident, quirky and smart. My daughter is medium-sized, considerate, indecisive, compliant and methodical. My son needs a lot of reminders to do something, and my daughter completes tasks even if I don’t remember them. My son doesn’t care about rewarding good behavior. My daughter invents her own reward systems on her own.
My son needs more reminders, tighter boundaries, and sometimes harsher consequences. Praising his efforts is not always enough to motivate good behavior or hard work. Often the only way to get through to him is to prevent him from doing something he loves, such as electronics.
Because of these differences in the behavior of my children and, as a result, differences in how I feel about them, it may seem to an outsider that I prefer my daughter to my son. This is simply not true. I love my two children equally. The fact that I treat them differently does not change that. I would even say that it is imperative that all parents with several children do this to one degree or another.
Scholars have recognized that siblings are often very different from each other. (The parents, of course, knew this from the beginning.) We attribute these personality differences to a phenomenon called the “undivided environment” – the idea that although two children may be raised in the same environment, they do not really share her. environment. Older siblings experience their lives starting as an only child, breaking through their parents’ learning curves, and then disrupting their routines when a new family member comes on the scene and sets the stage for sibling comparison and rivalry .
The younger brother or sister experiences the same family environment, but in a completely different way. They are born to experienced (and probably more relaxed) parents who already have a child. They will never know what it means to be the only recipient of their parents’ constant, undivided attention. If the third child does not appear on the scene, the family of the second child usually does not change significantly. (The phenomenon of the undivided environment is true even for twins .)
Researchers used to believe that children behaved in a certain way because of the way they were raised, but have since learned that these relationships work in a different direction – parents react to the child’s personality and behavior and change their approach accordingly. In other words, the parent does not create behavior; behavior creates a parent. If you have one child, it just makes sense for you to take care of him and discipline him based on his individual characteristics. It shouldn’t make any difference if you have two, three, or more.
My son, because he has ADHD and because he is so independent (read: stubborn), often needs a firmer parenting style. If I tried to raise him the way I raise my daughter, leaving him to himself, it would be terrible for him. He would not have learned to pick something up, finish a job he started, or turn in his homework on time. He is not motivated by the “natural consequences” I have read about in many books. He would not mind living in mud, surrounded by unfinished projects and losers at school. He’s minds now, but it’s only after years of reminding, lecturing and sticking firms to harsh consequences.
What about jealousy? What should parents do when their child, who needs a firmer parenting style, accuses them of loving their siblings more? It definitely happened at my house. My son accused me of loving my daughter more, acting easier with her, or simply “never” punishing her. It will sting. Of course, I don’t want my son to feel less loved.
But here’s what I tell him: It would be easier for me not to work so hard to make sure he learns and is accountable for his actions or inactions. My insistence that he look after himself, complete his assignments and manage his impulsiveness is proof of how much I love and care for him. My job is to help him learn. If I don’t do this job, what kind of parent am I?
I also make sure that in moments of rest, I highlight all of my son’s positive mirror traits. Stubbornness means strong leadership skills and independent thinking. Clutter stems from an extraordinarily creative mind. Impulsiveness is a sign of a busy mind, overflowing with so many great ideas that sometimes you can’t finish one thought before diving into the next. I love my son’s busy mind.
I am also careful to treat my children the same regardless of their behavior. Each of my children gets the same amount of quality time, birthday celebrations or other important events of the same size, the same opportunities for extracurricular activities, and the same praise for effort, not results.
But I will not apologize for guiding my son with a firmer hand to help him learn to manage more important aspects of his personality.
I may not treat my children the same, but I treat them fairly. I love both of them endlessly, and therefore I will do my best to educate each in such a way that it meets their individual needs. Otherwise, they will only cost you and limit their potential.