Check Teen Bursts Like a Child
Parents realize quite early on that an acute reaction to a child’s negative experience can only exacerbate the situation. This is why, when they fall and rip off the knee in infancy, we keep a neutral expression and say, “It’s okay! You’re okay! ”We are their barometer of how bad things are, and when they see that we are not worried, it takes away their own anxiety.
Psychologist and writer Lisa Damour says we should do the same with our teenage children. During a panel hosted by the Aspen Institute and The Atlantic earlier this week, Damour explained that parents often forget that teenagers need our reassurance too.
“Part of what we’re dealing with from a clinical perspective is smart young teens who remember when they didn’t feel this violation of the rules,” Damour said. “Before, they hadn’t been in a puddle on the kitchen floor without finding the jeans they were looking for.” She noted that they are confused by the fact that they often feel “completely captured by these emotions” and at the same time have enough self-awareness to ask the question: “What the hell is going on here?” A parent’s response that it’s okay — that it’s okay — can make a difference, just as it would for a toddler with a bruised knee.
Start by not showing external discomfort with words or emotions. If they have a teenage-sized tantrum over a lost cell phone, accompanied by thumping and screaming, you can say, “Oh yeah, I lost mine last week. It was really frustrating. I’ll help you find.
Or, if they melt due to a particularly difficult school project, crumpled paper after paper and toss them across the room, you might try: “This looks like a tough deadline. How much have you already done? “
By answering calmly and prosaically, you can confirm that their feelings are perfectly normal, even if they seem larger than life.
Perhaps in part because of what makes us sensitive to some of our child’s strong emotions is a very real – and legitimate – fear of teenage anxiety, depression, and suicide rates that are growing at an alarming rate . But sometimes, Damour says, a child is just having a bad day, and such an ominous statement “I’m sorry I wasn’t here” doesn’t really mean suicidal intent is at the core.
Damour suggests that if a child says something that indicates that he may harm himself, the parent may ask, “Are you really thinking about hurting yourself?” – because often the answer is something like: “No, no, I’m just very upset.” “This does not mean that you have saved them any risk of suicide for the remainder of the time, but it’s a way to use it, [and] not make them regret what they said,” Damour said.
The stakes associated with raising a teenage child can seem much higher, their problems much deeper, and their sadness or anger much more acute.
But if we can remember that their big emotions are normal and part of growing up – just like all the kneeling and summer camp bullies that came before – then we can continue to be their barometer. We can validate their feelings, empathize as always, and reassure them that they are okay.