Teach Children to Resolve Their Siblings’ Disputes
Raising more than one child can sometimes seem like a judge. When fights and quarrels begin between siblings, it may seem like you have two options: go and break up the relationship, or let them deal with it themselves. Either way, they’ll come back to this in a few minutes.
There are real reasons to look for a more effective long-term solution. First, children who are victims of siblings are more likely to be victims of peers . But beyond that, you probably want your kids to get along and be close to each other throughout childhood and adulthood. And it would be nice if you had peace in your house.
Hence, you will have to teach your children to voice their own arguments. As journalist Steve Kalechman writes for Greater Good Magazine : “It takes time and energy, but the investment pays off. Brothers and sisters take into account each other’s feelings, while the younger brother is empowered and given equal rights – without interference, the elders tend to dominate. “
But how do you become a mediator? Imagine suppressing the referee’s whistle and instead inviting all parties to a brightly lit conference room to sit at a long wooden table to voice their grievances and find solutions. It won’t do it that way, but you will get a visual representation. Here’s where you go next:
Establish ground rules
I would suggest doing this ahead of time, but they will probably need a reminder the first few times you mediate with them. You can start by saying “Don’t interrupt,” “No hurtful words,” and “Don’t shout.” Rinse and repeat as needed.
Speaks and listens in turn
Every child has the opportunity to say what they really want the other child to know, be it “I really wanted to play with these blocks” or “I don’t want to watch this TV show.” Another child listens and repeats what he hears before being heard. It can take several rounds if there are many complaints.
Ask about possible solutions
Until they get the hang of it, you will probably need to come up with a few ideas; they can start by proposing solutions, as Kalehman points out , which are simply unrealistic:
When they do, you put the suggestions to the test – riding a camel may seem fun, but rarely is it. As a parent, you can push them to dig deeper when necessary, but ultimately the result belongs to the children.
If they argue about what to watch on TV, they may agree to watch 10 more minutes of what is already in progress before another child chooses to watch for 10 minutes. Or they change the channel now and tomorrow the first child gets the best choice.
Elaine Spungin writes for Psychology Today that she takes a similar approach, which she and her family call Micro-Circles:
By involving the participants in listening to each other and finding their own solutions, you reduce the feelings of helplessness (we don’t know how to solve this) and powerlessness (we have no choice in how things go), which often arise due to the fact that a third party ( even with the best of intentions) will be the judge and jury in the conflict.
Of course this won’t work every time. Sometimes children are simply unable to solve problems. It is then that Shpungin asks if the children want to move on to something else – they usually do it, and she still considers the result to be a victory, because the children heard each other and “ended” the conflict.
Make a plan B
If the kids don’t want to just move on, you can implement the Plan B solution as Kalehman suggests . Plan B can be a toss of a coin or a rock-paper-scissors to determine who will eventually get his way. This is a last resort, but fair because it is random and random enough to motivate them to try to compromise first.
Over time, with patience and consistency, siblings should become more in control of their temper, tolerate and cooperate with each other, rather than dominate, with less parental intervention.