Parent’s Guide to Setting Boundaries
While trying to write this article, I had to lift the baby from my knees about 57 times.
It would be fair to say that we have a border problem in our home. I’m working on it. Children, of course, need boundaries of acceptable behavior for their own sense of security. But parents also need boundaries. From the preschool chairperson who wants you to volunteer 10 hours a week to a colleague who calls you at home in the middle of a story to “ask a quick question,” the right “no” can benefit the whole family.
But where do you start if you didn’t set hard boundaries from the start? I spoke with Jamie Glovatzky, parenting expert and author of the forthcoming book Oh Shit! I have a baby . Here’s what I learned about the new family restrictions.
Work on one “problem spot” in parenting at a time
If you have a partner, Glovacki suggests taking the time to sit down and talk about your problem areas. “Choose an area of parenting in which you feel that permissiveness is ineffective for you,” says Glovacki. “Before going to bed, there is usually a lot. Or screen time. Whatever the boundary, stick to it firmly. You should be on the same page as your parenting partner. Because if you try to set boundaries and your partner doesn’t, your child now has an incredible tool to use against both of you. ”
This commitment, as we know, can be a daunting task. Can you relate to this scenario? When I firmly correct my toddler that he is beating or pulling his hair, she laughs. I tell her that this is not a joke, that there is something wrong with her behavior. She laughs again. She raises her hand to strike again. I catch him in the middle of a hit and repeat our family rule about hitting. She throws herself to the floor in a dramatic and tearful performance. I wonder if I was too strict? Glovacki warns against wanting to rid our children of all negative feelings.
“We are in a hurry to correct any negative emotions coming from the child,” she says. “The challenge for your child’s development right now is to test these limits. And you can bet your butt that if you show leniency your child will double their quota test. Boundaries are like emotional swaddling; they keep your child emotionally safe. Your little one will have to check and make sure again that you are serious about it. “
Set limits with others in your child’s life
As children get older, their community expands to include play groups, school, sports and other activities. Requirements for parental energy grow with each new occupation and each new circle of friends. I asked Glovacki how we can set boundaries while continuing to build the community.
“It is widely accepted that there are about five people doing all the work in any community,” she says. “The setting doesn’t matter — school games, bakery sales, PTAs, sports teams. If you find yourself among these five (like me), you just need to be careful not to overdo it in bitter resentment. “
Saying no takes practice . You can start with low-stakes situations: “I’m really sorry I can’t make cupcakes for the school party this Friday. Please ask me again. ” On the other hand, the power of no can be intoxicating, so be careful not to get in the habit of saying no to everything automatically.
Draw the line between work and family
Work is another area of life that requires boundaries. I know a father who works full time, but he set certain boundaries once his family grew up to include children. He prefers to completely separate work and family life – not to work from home, not to think about everyday affairs in the office after work, there is no corporate mobile phone that makes it available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This attitude is admittedly a privilege not enjoyed by parents who have less autonomy in their careers or less financial stability. However, there is one line almost anyone can draw between work and family: mentally leave work outside the door when you go home. Adopt a 5-minute transition ritual so that the person who walks through the door in the evening is a loving and patient parent, not the beleaguered employee you were from 9 to 5.
But what if you work from home? Parents who work from home face particular challenges in protecting their work time and space from petty intruders .
Doors create great boundaries. Teresa Douglas, co-author of Secrets of Remote Workforce, told the New York Times that she uses the STOP sign as a visual cue for children, who can often forget that their mom needs to work without interruption. This, of course, assumes that there is another guardian in the home or children are old enough not to be supervised for a long time. If you work from home and can’t completely isolate yourself from children, there are other tricks for creating a small space , from physical boundaries to distraction techniques. Finally, explain your parenting responsibilities to your supervisor, colleagues, and employees.
Know that life without boundaries leads to resentment
I asked Glovacki what should I do when my baby wants to live in my lap and I have urgent work?
“If you can type while it’s hanging on you and honestly don’t mind, that’s totally cool,” says Glovacki. “If you create resentment that stays under the surface until it spills its milk at dinner and you don’t lose it, that’s not cool. And this is what happens when we allow ourselves to overstep our boundaries. And this is what I see most parents with whom I work. They have no boundaries, resentment builds up, and then they overreact to minor violations, making them seem (and feel) crazy. “
When you are a parent, there is no need for heroic self-sacrifice to meet the needs of everyone else. So decide where your lines are and be decisive in keeping them. Glovacki says boundaries for the safety and development of children, boundaries for parental relaxation and self-care, and boundaries with people outside of the family who demand energy from us are the keys to a healthy lifestyle.