You Must Be Sad on Your Birthday
Everyone likes to cry a little sometimes; that’s why there are sad songs, movies and books. A little optional melancholy trains your emotions even when your real life is going well, and can refresh you mentally and physically. Sometimes this is especially true: rainy days, late nights and birthdays.
The best birthday still carries one inevitable sadness: it reminds you of the division between the past and the future, the one-sidedness of time, that there is no return to you of the past year. You grow, you grow old, you are mortal. The happier you are in your current situation, the more you will one day lose – and at best, you will lose everything the day the world loses you.
That’s why every year, at some point on my birthday, I like to turn on the music, take a walk, or sit quietly and feel sorry for myself. For fun. The first few years I did this, right after college, I was lonely and broke, and I really felt sorry for myself. But I have continued like this over the years, and I even dabbled in this year, while I enjoyed parenting leave with my little daughter. And if unnecessary sadness sounds appealing – and if you’re not worried about what will cause a chronic mental health problem – then I recommend a pleasant birthday cry.
Go alone
In most cases, the pity party is best done in private. There’s no shame in being sad on purpose, but it’s a little embarrassing to do it right in front of someone who cares about you. You may be around strangers (I love walking around the area), but you should stay away from people who know you. Even if they know what you are doing, they will want to take you out of that funk and give him a happy birthday mood. And they may feel responsible for your sadness, which is unfair to blame them. So spend time alone, even if it’s a few minutes in the bathroom.
But right after a break in sadness, you may want people to be around so you can get back into a better mood. You probably don’t want to be sad for your entire birthday. This is why you should plan ahead for your sadness.
The timing is right
Think about what you would like to do after a sad moment. Would it be good to cheer up and work? Will you be destroyed and want to sleep? Would you like to blot your tears before you go to your birthday party?
If you’re expecting a big holiday on your birthday, you need to analyze the gaps for your possibility of sadness. If you are looking at the bottom of less than a holiday, then you are in the mood for sadness options, and you just need to find time that will prevent you from exceeding the desired level of sadness before the crash. (Unless you’re looking for exhaustion, a low point to be reborn from, or an excuse to drunkenly write to every person you’ve ever slept with or hoped to sleep with.)
If you’ve already cried last year, mix it up. On different birthdays, I enjoyed a drunken cry after a night at the bar, a morning beer in the shower and a long sigh under hot water, and more recently, thoughtful sitting on the couch while the baby sleeps. If you can’t do everything perfectly or can’t drink during your sad break, you can usually create the mood with music.
Get the music ready
Everyone should have a playlist of their favorite sad songs. If you are feeling miserable and have to dig for music that matches your mood, you cannot stay in the moment. You will keep fiddling with your Spotify and that feeling will dissipate or turn into frustration and you will not reach catharsis.
Here are the rules of personal taste, and you should rely on the music that you are most familiar with. (Sad songs from soundtracks are really helpful, or songs that you remember from specific events in your past.) But my favorite song, which is actually about feeling lonely on your birthday, is Bishop Allen’s “The News From Your Bed.” It is light, bouncy and tastes like salt water. And it really does feel like the feeling I get on my birthday break.
Start with a couple of longtime favorites, scroll through a few extra songs (less valuable ones that you can repeat without depleting them), and end with at least three songs that will cheer you up. I have a whole hangover playlist that I only use for mild sadness or dreary mood, so when I’m ready I switch to it.
Don’t use your phone
Even though Instagram scrolling can reliably immerse you in the jealous funk of FOMO, you shouldn’t risk seeing something that makes you happy and ruining the moment. Pretty much anything you can do on your phone will take away the sadness; that’s what phones are for. You can turn on the sound, but that’s about it.
Walking and showering is fine, but the ideal activity is to take a bath, preferably with a drink and possibly a book. (Not a magazine; again, too much of a risk of spoiling the mood.)
You can watch a movie – always what you’ve seen before. It might be a sad TV show, but you really should try the movie, even if you only have time to skip to your favorite scenes. Movies are better off getting bogged down because they can actually wander at the end of Act 2 and because they carry more specific memories of your last viewing.
Know what you are sad about
Birthday sadness doesn’t depend on a bad day, year, or life. In a bad year, you can focus on the details – maybe you are lonely recently this year, maybe you have lost someone, maybe you are lonely in a new place. And there is even a shiver of guilty pleasure from sadness on an objectively happy birthday.
But it’s more important to embrace the universal truth about birthdays: we feel strange having a special day when we didn’t do anything to earn money; this forced celebration highlights all the reasons we might need not to celebrate; that one day all our birthdays will be over. This is the truth that all of us, no matter how lucky we are, must live according to them. Those with whom we have learned to deal in order to live on. After another sentimental song.