When Your Partner Has a Sexual Fantasy That You Are Not Involved In
Sometimes it’s hot when your partner shares a certain fantasy or desire, but other times, your partner may tell you about certain fantasies that you just don’t enjoy. Perhaps monogamy is important to you, and you cannot agree with the idea of threesome sex. You may have experienced sexual abuse and do not feel safe playing with restrictions. Or maybe you just don’t get turned on by role-playing. This situation can be difficult to navigate. Should you engage in sexual activities that don’t interest you? Should your partner give up their fantasy because you don’t like it? Here are five ways to approach a situation if your partner has a fantasy that doesn’t interest you.
Thank them for sharing
First of all, thank your partner for sharing his fantasy with you, especially if it’s not a very common fantasy. It takes a lot of courage to be honest about your desires, and your partner has shown a lot of trust in you by letting you into their inner sexual world. Even if their fantasy seems the least sexy to you (“Do you love role-playing garbage collectors?”), It’s important to show your partner this basic level of respect. Try the old golden rule and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Keep your poker face and don’t make any judgments. Treat them with the same kindness and decency as if you were sharing one of your deepest and darkest fantasies.
Discuss how important fantasy is.
Then you want to understand how important this particular desire is for your partner’s sexual expression. We all have different relationships with our fantasies, and we may have different relationships with different fantasies. This fantasy may be something your partner is interested in playing, but it would be nice if he never did it. For example, maybe they’ve always had an interest in joining a mile-high club, but still a little uncomfortable with how obnoxious most airplane bathrooms are.) Or it could be a fantasy that seems so important in their sex life, that it can be a decision for them if you are not interested in any involvement. Maybe they feel like they need to do some sort of same-sex experimentation at some point in their lives, and that this feeling is non-negotiable.
If your partner hasn’t shared this yet, ask them to elaborate on how important their fantasy is to them and what role they would like you to play. Here are some questions to ask:
- Is this fantasy that you want to try in real life, or did you just want to share an idea with me?
- Is it a fantasy that you want me to be a part of, or that you want to explore on your own?
- What level of participation did you expect from me?
- How important is this fantasy to your sexual expression and satisfaction?
- What do you think it would be for you if you never played with this fantasy?
Learn more
Depending on how important your partner’s fantasy is to them and what level of involvement they would like from you, it might be worth doing a little research. You can ask your partner if they have any specific resources that they think might be helpful. You can ask them, “I want to know more about rope play before deciding if I’m ready to do it. Do you have any articles, websites or books that you recommend that I check out? »Or search for these resources yourself. In general, I recommend looking for resources written by people who enjoy these fantasies. They will be more complete and accurate guides. The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasies: How to Turn Your Fantasies into Reality by Violet Blue and Carol Queen is a little outdated, but a good general guide to fantasy.
See if there is a piece of fantasy that interests you
Many people get scared when they hear their partner’s fantasies because they think they need to dive right into the bottom right now. For example, if your partner says he is interested in domination and submission play in the bedroom, you can start imagining how you write D / s contracts and turn your bedroom into a torture chamber. But this really isn’t the best way to start fantasizing, even if you were in your partner’s particular fantasies!
Instead, talk to your partner about certain elements of his fantasy, as well as childhood steps you two could take. You may find that there is a piece of fantasy that you are actually willing to try. With the aforementioned dominance and submission fantasy, you may not be interested in signing a contract yet, but you will be open to easy whipping or blindfold play. Or, let’s say your male partner wants to try changing into a different gender. You may not be ready to see him in a skirt and heels, but you won’t mind if he wears bracelets or necklaces on the bed.
One childish step that can work in just about any scenario is to just try to talk dirty about your fantasies without actually doing anything else in your sex life. For example, you might imagine that you were at a group sex party and tell that you “see” what is happening around you. This allows you both to try on the fantasy for size before making any commitment to change your sex life.
Explore other options your partner will like
After all, if you’re not in your partner’s fantasy at all, that’s okay. Don’t want to have anal sex? You have the right to choose which activities you enjoy and you can set your own boundaries. If you are not open to your partner’s fantasies, but it is critical to their sexual expression, you and your partner may want to explore options for your partner to play with their fantasies outside of your relationship. There are a million different ways to do this, ranging from something as simple as your partner chatting with other people on online forums about their latex bodysuit fantasies to letting your partner act out their happy massage fantasy with another person. There is no one size fits all approach, but with a little creativity and communication, you and your partner can create a relationship that respects both of your desires.