Let’s Stop Calling Kids Shy
I grew up thinking that I was shy. It was easy to do because whenever I found myself in a situation where I was uncomfortable – especially when I was expected to interact with someone I hardly knew – someone would inevitably say, “Ooooh, she’s shy “. Or worse, they asked me bluntly, “Are you shy?”
(Hint: If you ask a shy person if they are shy or not, they will feel less comfortable, not more.)
Since I was a shy person, there was no point in going to college to study journalism – a profession in which I literally had to talk to several strangers a day, often on complex or conflicting topics. Until I realized that I was not “shy”, I was just an introvert. Being around a lot of people for a long time is exhausting for me, but I really enjoy meeting and connecting with new people.
This is because, as writer Bob Riley writes on his blog , shyness is a feeling, not a character trait.
Saying someone is shy implies that shyness is part of the person’s personality and not a temporary state of discomfort when talking to people or engaging in an activity in front of others.
Not that I’m dismissing this feeling – I have had it in abundance for most of my life, but in the end it’s just an unpleasant feeling.
That’s all.
The problem with children who identify as “shy” is that it turns shyness from feeling into something that is part of their personality. And when a negative trait becomes part of a child’s personality, it can be very difficult to get rid of it.
You may feel self- conscious; this does not mean that you are shy. And yet, when a baby hides behind a mother’s feet at a family reunion, we all seem to have nothing to do with ourselves. We just HAVE to say SOMETHING about a child who should run around and cheerfully greet all these extended family members (strangers) just like other children.
It’s okay, you can say something. You might say, “Oh, she must be feeling quiet right now.” If you want to take one more step in your kindness, you can add: “I understand; Sometimes I feel quiet too.
Because at some point we are all shy, and the best thing that can help us overcome this shyness is for the people around us to greet us where we are, rather than shouting at us and labeling us in a way that can turn out to be hard to shake. …