Why Low-Stakes Friendships Are so Prized
If you want to feel like part of the community, it’s time to get to know the people in your area.
For many of us, this is difficult – we are busy, we are almost sure that the person standing in front of us in the cafe does not want us to introduce ourselves, and so on. But creating casual, low-stakes friendships with people you regularly interact with is a good way to feel more integrated with the world around you.
Plus, some of these small friendships can develop into real, close friends over time.
Why is it so difficult for an adult to make friends
In the early stages of life, we often see our friends every day – in fact, spending time with someone regularly is one of the requirements for building close friendships, as David Roberts reminded us in a Vox article about why it’s so difficult as an adult. make new friends:
Years ago, I read a study that I have thought about many times since then, although hours of effort have not been able to track it down. The bottom line was that repetitive, spontaneous contact is a key ingredient in establishing friendships. This is why we make friends at school – because we have to communicate with the same people on a regular basis. This is the natural soil on which friendship grows.
However, as we enter middle age, these opportunities to constantly interact with people dry up. We constantly shuttle between family and colleagues, staying in touch with friends by phone.
This leads to two problems. First, we only spend time with people who, even if they love us, see us as a narrowly defined role (parent, partner, daughter, assistant manager).
Second, we may feel isolated from our area and community.
As Ellie Wolpe explains in The New York Times :
The desire to belong and form social attachments is a basic human need, along with food, sleep and safety. But as soon as we’re 25, the number of friends we have peaks and starts to decline, according to a 2016 study . As we get older and priorities shift from bowling after work to classes after class, maintaining a busy social calendar becomes less important. Thus, maintaining social activity is an integral part of personal self-realization.
How do you create this interaction? Finding ways to make repetitive, spontaneous contact with people – volunteering, joining a choir, taking your kids to a story in the library – and using that contact to build friendships at low rates.
To quote Wolpe again:
A 2014 study found that the more weak ties a person has (neighbors, baristas at a nearby coffee shop, or other members of the circle), the happier they feel. Maintaining this dating network also contributes to a sense of community, the researchers found.
[…]
It has been shown that spending a few minutes talking with people we regularly see or joining a group such as a religious group, sports team, or hobby meeting increases our satisfaction in life.
How to develop low-stakes friendships
If you want to convert someone you know into a friend with low bids, the keyword here is engagement . You cannot sign up for a spinning class without unwinding not only your legs, but also your mouth, that is, you need to start talking to people while you wait for the music to play, or when you dry your bikes after class.
This is how the person sitting on the bike next to you becomes the person you greet at in the cafe, who becomes the person you chat with at the farmers’ market, who becomes the person you can invite to the backyard barbecue on July Fourth, who may someday become a close friend.
Or not.
Not every low-stakes friend turns into a “person you can share your problems with” or “someone you would call in an emergency.” However, a low-stakes friend can easily become the person you are comfortable with at an event, the person you have lunch with after class, or the person who can introduce you to an employer, potential dating partner, or someone who could turn around to be the new best friend you’ve been looking for.
So talk to the person next to you, whether you are attending the same class or seeing each other at the same school events. Then say hello again the next time you see them. Of course, watch their body language and reactions – you don’t want to make friends, even small ones, with someone who is clearly not interested in you.
But with short enough spontaneous conversations, you may find yourself surrounded by friends you never knew existed.