How to Teach a Child You Don’t Have to Be Perfect in Everything
One Saturday morning, my 6-year-old daughter was making a greeting card for a friend. She sat at a small table, and on the floor next to her lay about ten crumpled sheets of paper. She kept writing the letter “H” for Happy Birthday and then decided that she didn’t like the way it looked. She got upset and I wanted her to stop wasting all the paper.
“Hey what’s going on?” I asked her. “Let’s slow down. I know your friend will love any card you make because you made it.
“No, he’s not!” she screamed, tears welled up in her eyes. “I can not do it!”
She crumpled up another page.
There was a lot going on during that time, not least because we had just brought her new little brother home and she had to go through this major life change. But I never saw any perfectionist tendencies in her, and that worried me. On a deep level, I know how the desire to be perfect can be paralyzing. When people decide they are going to do something only if they can do it flawlessly, they never leave their comfort zone.
How can parents teach their children to be gentle with themselves, accept the messy learning process, and know that they are safe and loved? I asked Rebecca Newkirk , a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in helping people overcome perfectionism, what can be done. (Spoiler alert: Yes, parents can perpetuate perfectionism, but yes, we can change.)
Why do children get perfectionism?
At its core, perfectionism is about feeling insecure and wanting to have some degree of control so that we feel like we can stay safe. In this context, we mainly talk about emotional safety and security within the relationship with the caregiver.
As a child, we are at the mercy of our guardians. When they are happy, they take better care of us (as a rule) and we feel more secure. When they are unhappy, we often feel like a breakup has occurred in the relationship, either because the parent is more distant and less responsive, or perhaps has a lower stress threshold, so things that parents usually find funny or cute the parent can react angrily to it.
This is very frightening for children because it does not follow the usual patterns. The child perceives the parents’ reaction – both positive and negative – as a direct reaction to the child’s behavior. The child does not take into account the context or mood of the parents outside of the relationship. This creates a sense of insecurity. The child may think, “The last time I threw the pillow, we had a pillow fight and Mom was laughing. This time, when I threw down the pillow, they spoke to me harshly. I wonder what I did wrong when I dropped the pillow this time. ” So, this lays the foundation for how magical thinking can create perfectionist tendencies.
Tell me more about “magical thinking”.
Magical thinking is developmentally normal for young children and peaks between the ages of 2 and 7. This is the essence of superstition, such as the belief that you will bring yourself bad luck if you break a mirror.
When a child applies magical thinking to their relationship, it might sound something like this: “Yesterday I was wearing blue and my mother was very happy. Today I will wear blue. ” The problem is, the blue shirt didn’t really make Mom feel good. Therefore, when a child wears blue for the second time and does not receive the same reaction, the child may feel guilty. The child may think that he was wearing the wrong shade of blue, or that the shirt was wrong. To believe that the shirt was not the reason for the good mood of the mother would mean that the child either cannot make it better or does not know what he needs to do to fix it. This causes such great anxiety that in order to achieve the desired result, it is advisable to be very strict with yourself: “If I try enough / pay enough attention / study well enough in school / relieve tension between siblings, then mom will be happy, and, accordingly I’ll be safe. “
Do parents instill perfectionism in their children?
Absolutely. In many cases, I think the difference is not so much in what the parent says as in what he doesn’t. Think of a small child anxiously waiting for mom to get home from work. Mom is in a bad mood. The child expects mom to be happy to see her, but mom is minimally responsive at best and irritable at worst. Everyone is a parent at some point. By giving it up, not discussing it with your child, you can perpetuate perfectionism.
If Mom said, “I’m so glad to see you, but I had a hard day, so I’m sad and I feel tired,” that would make a big difference. I want to emphasize that it doesn’t matter how old the child is. We must say these things to very young children before they can understand what we are saying. When parents discuss their mood with their children, they not only encourage emotional development and emotional intelligence, but they also explain that people just get in a bad mood sometimes, and that this can be normal and no one is to blame. This gives the child permission to be unhappy at times and also gives the child a chance when his parents are unhappy by directly addressing their tendency to take responsibility for it.
Can the parents make any other changes?
Compliment the process [of your children’s efforts], not the results of their efforts. Instead of “Wow, you did so well on your spelling test,” you could say, “I’m so proud of how hard you worked preparing for the spelling test.” We want to praise efforts, not results. Instead of “You look so beautiful in this outfit,” you could say, “I love the way you express yourself with the outfits that you put together.”
There is also something called Raised Heart, which is a very gentle approach to complimenting children in a way that they can hear. Basically, you find a specific thing that they did well and then associate that with what that means to their personality. Instead of saying, “You are so smart,” you could say something like, “When you were able to answer this question, it showed me how smart you are.” It sounds awkward, but I think you get the idea. We want to find a specific thing they’ve done that expresses the trait we praise. Otherwise, children may be exaggerated and just assume that you are lying when you say something good about them, because you always say that.
How early can parents look for signs of perfectionism?
It’s a difficult question. I am inclined to say that I am very young. An anxious 2-year-old is more likely to develop perfectionism later on. We may look for signs that the child is trying to help us when we are upset. Recently, my husband and I had a disagreement, and my one-year-old daughter was making noise. If I didn’t look at her and didn’t answer while she was making these sounds, she was very upset and calmed down only when she distracted me or “saved” me from frustration. This in itself is not a problem and is not a sign of perfectionism, but it is this type of behavior that can develop beyond what is normal or healthy.
My guess is – although it varies greatly from child to child and from development to development – that we can see perfectionism as early as 4-5 when kids start to do more for themselves, and can be tough on themselves if their handwriting is not perfect. / their room is not clean enough / their clothes are not good enough / teacher reviews were not positive enough.
If a child is upset that he or she is not doing something perfectly, what can parents do at that moment to help them? For example, I noticed that my daughter crumpled the paper because she felt that her letter was not good enough.
Be safe, neutral, and reflective of your presence. At times like this, we want to support the child in regulation, which means that we have to be a regulated presence. Try to stay with your child until they feel calmer, even if you are just sitting and connected. If the child rejects or shouts when you say something, you can simply say, “I am here when you are ready” or “You are not alone.”
If the child is more receptive to what you say, you can gently say something like, “You are really disappointed with your handwriting right now,” or “You think it has to be better to be good enough.” “Basically, we want to gently reflect to the child how you think he is feeling. It helps them develop emotional language so they can talk about their feelings. Only after they calm down can we react to what is happening and determine that they are good enough and cute, even if their handwriting (or whatever) is not what they would like.