Stop Asking Couples When They Will Have a Child (or Another Child)
Maybe you can’t wait to spoil your grandchildren. Or maybe you’re thinking about having kids and wondering what everyone else’s deadlines are. Maybe your co-worker just got married and you’ve already talked a little about their all-inclusive tropical honeymoon and aren’t sure which topic to bring up next, so head over there .
“So when are you guys going to start knocking out these babes?” (Additional negative bonus points if you wink here.)
Any child of childbearing and / or childbearing age who does not have children receives some version of this question from friends, family and acquaintances at a frequency that is mind-boggling. And you might think that it will stop after the birth of the first child, but no, it gets even worse: “When are you going to give him / her a brother or sister?” You can’t please anyone these days.
Why is it so bad?
That is none of your business
First of all, if this person did not specifically talk to you about their desire to have children, it would be presumptuous to assume that he even wants to become a parent. And don’t think that just because they like children or they “get along well” with children, they will obviously become fathers themselves. It is a personal choice with lifelong consequences; not everyone is interested, even if they don’t mind the occasional hot air balloon fight with their nieces.
And for those who really want kids, there are many reasons why now is not the right time. Maybe one or both of them graduate; maybe there is a big step on the horizon; maybe they want to pay off a debt, live in a house, or travel for a few years. Their priorities – and their finances – are none of your business. And when you question out loud where all babies are, you are inviting yourself into the most personal aspects of their lives.
Also: just because a person has one child does not mean that he wants more children. It also does not mean that they can have more children. So if Junior turns five next week and you don’t understand why no younger siblings have joined him, slow down before asking.
Maybe Junior’s parents are perfectly happy to be the parent of one of them (news: number, which is totally wonderful), or maybe they were desperate for a second child and couldn’t conceive or adopt. They may not even know themselves yet if they want a second child. I know you’re so curious! But the very existence of Junior does not give you the right to know where they are in relation to any potential future children.
You can unintentionally cause pain by asking
About 10 percent of women of childbearing age have difficulty getting pregnant or stay pregnant . Estimates of the frequency of miscarriages vary by source, but they are all high: up to 15-25% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and one in four women experiences at least one pregnancy in their lifetime.
Despite the prevalence of infertility and miscarriage, and despite the fact that women are talking more about their experiences now than ever, it is still often an isolating, harrowing experience.
My point is this: in most cases, you will not know what the person you are talking to has gone through. And even if you ask and they say, “Oh, we’re not in a hurry,” that doesn’t mean they really aren’t in a hurry. This may well mean that they have been struggling with infertility for two years, have done IVF three times and they have only one last chance left money . You are not the person they are going to confide in.
Can you still talk
I am not saying that this topic should never be discussed with a loved one. Of course, we’re all curious if our sister wants to have children or when our best friend ideally hopes to domesticate a second child. But generally speaking, if someone is close enough to you, you still already know these answers, because this topic would organically arise in hundreds of different ways.
If it doesn’t, there might be a reason, and it might be a sign that it’s better to talk about something else: that big Game of Thrones battle ( Arya, wow !), A new project in progress, your improvement. let’s finish in the backyard next week. These are all safe topics. I’m sure you can think of others too.