How to Ask for Enthusiastic Consent

The phrase “enthusiastic consent” has finally entered the mainstream lexicon. Consent means that you voluntarily agree to engage in a specific sexual activity with a specific person in a specific context. The idea of ​​enthusiastic consent is that you are, well, enthusiastic about it. You don’t just agree to do this because you feel pressured; you are genuinely excited. People are increasingly realizing that enthusiastic consent is an integral part of a happy and healthy sex life. Here’s what you need to know to get (and give) enthusiastic consent.

Start at your boundaries

Getting consent isn’t just about talking to your partner about what they want; it also means having a clear understanding of what you want! When I work with clients, I ask them to list their yes, no, and maybe in the bedroom. (I’ve also heard it called “will,” “not,” and “will.”) The “yes” and “no” are pretty obvious. “Maybes” means things that you would consider depending on the partner or circumstances. For example, you may have never thought about role playing in the past, but you meet a new partner who is really passionate about it and you feel ready to give it a try. With your yes answers, it might also be interesting to break them down further into yes and heck. It is also important to learn how to comfortably tell your partner about your “yes”, “maybe” and “no”. In particular, you can practice saying no in different ways. For example: “I love what we are doing right now; let’s just stick with it “I’m not in the mood for this tonight but maybe in the future” or “It’s not something I’m comfortable doing but I’ll let you know if that changes.”

Practice the language yourself

One of the biggest problems people face with enthusiastic consent is that they are embarrassed to talk about it out loud. We have this weird myth that sex shouldn’t require any kind of companionship. This should happen spontaneously and naturally, without any words. Quite frankly, this myth is nonsense. Good sex requires great communication. If you are uncomfortable talking directly about agreement with your partner, I highly recommend just practicing speaking the words out loud in front of the mirror. It’s funny at first, but if you repeat it, you’ll start to feel more comfortable.

Find the language that suits you

There are a million different ways to ask for enthusiastic consent. It is important for you to find the language that suits you. Below are some specific suggestions. Read them and see which ones you’re most drawn to. From there, see if you can edit a specific phrase to sound more like what you would naturally say. Here are some ways to ask for enthusiastic consent:

• “I would like to [fill in the field] for you / with you, but I want to make sure that you are as excited about this as I am.”
• “Is it okay if I [fill out the form]?”
• “Would you like me to [fill in the field]?”
• “Do you know what seems sexy to me? [Fill in the blank.] How do you like it? “
• “I’m trying to make it clear how to practice enthusiastic consent with my partners. Do you feel good when you do [fill in the field]? “
• “I really want to [fill out the form] for you / with you, but I’m not going to do this unless you ask me to.”

Use text

Another option for shy people is to try using text to get enthusiastic consent. Face-to-face communication is always preferable, but if the use of text helps you get comfortable enough to start a conversation, otherwise you would not feel comfortable starting, I say: go for it! You can write to your partner in advance what you would like to do with him the next time you see him and see how he reacts.

Other basics of enthusiastic consent

Here are a few more important things to know about active consent:

• Be conservative with consent. Just as it can be difficult for you to ask for consent, it can be difficult for your partner to answer it. If your partner freezes or stumbles, say something like, “You might think about it. We can stick with [what you did before] or take a break. “
• Make sure your partner can agree. It would be an oversight if I did not point out that it is also important to make sure that your partner is actually capable of giving consent. If they are drunk or extremely vulnerable, they are not in the right place to give consent, much less enthusiastic consent.
• If your partner has been sexually abused, you may want to talk in more detail about how best to ask for and give consent. Sometimes survivors may feel that their boundaries are not being respected, so they generally avoid even voicing them. You may find it helpful to work with couples or a sex therapist on this.
• Keep getting consent. One “yes” from your partner is not a one-size-fits-all statement to follow up. Especially with a new partner, when you move on to other activities, constantly ask for consent. In other words, just because someone agrees to have you handjob does not mean they agree to oral sex. And agreeing to manual work on Tuesday does not mean you are agreeing to work on Wednesday.
• Talk about when you can withdraw consent. Once you and your partner have established a relationship of trust and communication, you may not feel like you need to ask for and give consent every step of the way. You can talk about which activities are close at hand. For example, you can tell your partner that he can squeeze your ass whenever he wants. Or you can establish a policy whereby each of you say no to any activity you don’t want, instead of getting a yes to every action you really want.