How to Set Realistic Expectations for Parenthood
The moment your baby is born, you will fall madly in love. Your heart will be full! Oh, and it will be so sexy to watch your partner take care of the newborn. You just want to have sex with them all the time! Plus, for all of these things like breastfeeding, sleeping, your body and your career, you’ve already come up with a plan that you will stick to no matter what. You have read all the books, you have watched other parents go through it (so you know that you will never do a haircut to your own child), and now you are ready to become a father.
Not so fast.
Parenting is ridiculous. Plus it’s very unpredictable. Setting unrealistic ideals can lead to new parents feeling isolated and ashamed, wondering if something is wrong with their babies or with them. I spoke with reproductive psychiatrist Alexandra Sachs , host of the new Gimlet podcast, Sessions of Motherhood, and co-author of the new book What No One Tells You: A Guide to Your Emotions from Pregnancy to Motherhood , about truths of parenting that people don’t know. I often talk about how parents-to-be can create a more accurate picture of the difficult, beautiful and chaotic transition ahead.
You can mourn your old life
Sachs tells me that there is a lot of information about how to care for a newborn and about the changes that can happen to a woman’s postpartum body, but there is not enough discussion about the fact that “a new beginning always ends.” Many parents naturally lose their sense of identity. “Sometimes it’s sad to say goodbye to your old life,” says Sachs. “This is part of it, and you can feel both happiness and sadness at the same time.”
What to do: allow yourself to grieve
Realize that this is a huge shift for you, the new parent. “We know adolescents who deal with changes in body, mind and hormones feel awkward and awkward and struggle with it,” explains Sachs. “We really need to think the same about new motherhood.” She also says that it is important to think and talk about practical ways to keep yourself together before the baby is born. She suggests making a list of “routines for joy and pleasure” and sticking it on the refrigerator – do it for yourself and, if you have a partner, for your relationship. “The hardest things [writing down] are things that seem like indulgences, like reading the newspaper or just hanging out with your partner, relaxing and reuniting. People think, “Oh, I don’t have time for this – now I’m a parent.” But these are the human moments when you feel yourself. “
You may not feel love for a child at first sight.
In films, the moment you meet your child is often portrayed as that transformative moment – as if the clouds are parting, the angels are singing, and you suddenly have a new purpose in life. In reality, however, things are often much more complicated. Sachs says: “We have so many expectations from things like ‘how I will feel when I find out that I am pregnant’, or ‘how I will feel, how I will feel in the delivery room.’ “On” how it will all look. ” And there are so many cultural examples that are usually bliss oriented. But human relationships are usually a mixture of both good and bad, and sometimes there is a natural sense of duality. “
What to do: wait
Recognize that this new thing you have with your child is a relationship, and relationships inherently take time. “Not feeling love at first sight is not a sign that something is wrong – it just might be a sign that it will be a process,” says Sachs. “Origin stories are not prophecies. You don’t want everything to happen on the first day or the first few days of your child’s life. “
You can’t hack your child
Babies, as you will see, are beings in themselves. A specific “plan” for breastfeeding, sleep patterns, or external support (or lack of it) might work for your best friend, who also just gave birth, but won’t work for you – not because you’re doing something wrong, but simply because your baby has different needs and rhythms. This can be frustrating, especially when there are tons of tips on and off the Internet: “Just try this [burping / feeding / removing weird rashes]! It totally works! “
What to do: Know what you are about to learn
Rather than having a plan, Sachs suggests “keeping your eyes open to explore and discover” about your child. And practice “good enough” parenting. “In psychology, when parents demand perfection, it makes children understand that they have no room to maneuver to understand who they are. So deficiencies are an opportunity for everyone to grow, and accepting them is a good example for your child. ” To keep kids growing and thriving while your pediatrician says nothing is wrong, Sachs explains that there really isn’t one “right” way. “For things like breastfeeding, people use this binary data for success or failure, but it really isn’t,” Sachs says. “There are many different good and healthy ways to do this.”
She invites you to test yourself when you feel guilty or ashamed. “Try not to think about how things are as a reflection of your parenting,” says Sachs. “This is not a performance – this is a relationship. You are here to study day by day. “