How to Get Out of the Battle Between Will and Your Child
From time to time I feel like this is happening. I feel like I’m getting into an argument with my eight-year-old son over the simplest things. The type of outerwear you might need on a particular day, or the storage location for a particular toy. And since we are very similar to him (let’s call us stubborn ), we both tend to rest on the heels.
Sometimes I make the mistake of thinking that my arguments are based on logic (it’s cold, so you need a coat), while his arguments are based on emotion or a tendency to be unpleasant for the sake of being unpleasant. But I found a question I can ask him to get to the bottom of his argument:
“Why is it so important for you?”
Something about the word “important” signals to him that 1. I realized what is important to him (most of the conversation up to this point, he probably tries to convey this fact), and 2. I listen and want to know why.
His answer almost always surprises me. Asking, “Why is this important to you?” I recently found out that since it gets a little warmer outside, whatever coat he wears in the morning to school, he must also wear a coat during recess in the afternoon, no matter how hot he gets outside. He had several disgustingly sweaty breaks, and he feared another one that day.
Until I specifically asked him why it was important to him, he only formulated that he “does not need a coat” because he “is not cold.” Once I understood the main problem, I helped him dress so that he could wear a lighter jacket during recess.
I don’t ask this question very often; only when he seems particularly upset or upset about something that – to me – does not seem particularly upset or upset. This is my hint that this is important to him for a reason that I have not yet understood.