How to Write a Condolence Note
It’s hard to know what to do or say when someone you know loses a loved one. Grief is a frightening and amorphous thing, and if you haven’t experienced it, reaching out may seem like overstepping the bounds or reminding someone that they are trying to forget.
But grief is as isolating as it is painful, and it’s important to let your lost friends and acquaintances know that you think of them and their loved one, no matter how embarrassing it feels. This is true if you knew the person they lost; this is also true if you haven’t.
“Most grieving people, whether they realize it or not, one of their biggest fears is that the person who has been lost will be forgotten,” says Jennifer Soos , a licensed family therapist in San Antonio, Texas. “Every time someone remembers them, recognizes them, talks about them, evokes them in any way, it’s like a balm for that fear.”
So, while it might seem like ignoring the loss helps the person in mourning move on, it’s actually the worst thing you can do. And while it may seem trite to say to someone, “I’m sorry for your loss,” at least admitting that the lost person exists and that he doesn’t exist now will make your grieving friend feel heard and recognized. “I don’t think it can happen too often,” says Sousse.
Here’s how to do it.
Send a postcard or any other message
Either an email or a text message, depending on which generation the person in mourning belongs to and how well you know them. “If you’re millennial and the same age, texting is good,” Sousse says. “E-mail is better than text message because it required sitting at the computer. I am Gen X firmly and unconditionally, so I prefer handwritten notes, but I understand that this is the preference of generations. “
Basically, doing something is better than doing nothing, but everyone loves cards. (It is also worth noting that the text can get lost in the posthumous flood, which should be remembered.)
It’s okay not to know what to say (but here are a few things you might want)
In fact, no one knows what to say to a person in mourning, especially if the death of a loved one was unexpected. It’s perfectly okay to admit this in your letter. “It’s right, in my opinion, to tell the truth,” says Sousse. “This is what we hear over and over again from bereaved people in therapy, support and research groups. They say, “I would like people to just say, ‘I don’t know what to say, but I’m really sorry.’ “I don’t know what to say, but I feel sorry for you.” “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.”
You want the person to know that you think about him, that you are there for him and are ready to listen to him. You are not expected to make them feel better, because when you are grieving, nothing will make you feel better. But you don’t want to feel abandoned or alone. “I find it very vulnerable to say, ‘I don’t know what to say,” says Sousse. “We fear it will be embarrassing, offensive or upsetting. But honestly, we don’t know what to say. There are no words that will do it better if you do not have a magic spell that brings the dead back to life. “
So feel free to stick to platitudes if they are true. “One of the things people can say is, ‘I don’t know what to say, but I love you and I’m here for you,” says Dr. Marilyn Mendoza , a New Orleans psychologist. “Or:” I think about you and send you love. ” Or: “It is impossible to describe in words how sorry I am for your loss. My heart Belongs to you.'”
As Sousse puts it, “What you are actually trying to communicate is, ‘I am here for you.’ I am a witness to what you are going through, I am aware of it, I am not ignoring it, I do not need perfect words to help you. You are seen and heard, and I share with you the burden of this pain, simply by admitting it. “
Don’t talk about yourself
It should be obvious, but a condolence note is not the time to broadcast news of your own life. “The note should be for the deceased,” Mendoza says. “Don’t tell me about yourself, for example, I just got a new job or this is my new address.” Same way…
Don’t say “I know how you feel”
It can be tempting to empathize with someone in mourning, especially if you yourself have been bereaved. But grief manifests itself differently in everyone, and it may not be valid to say that someone knows your specific feelings and they don’t. “Don’t say, ‘I know how you feel,’ because even if you’ve lost your mother, you don’t really know how that other person is feeling. You know how you felt about it, says Mendoza.
It is also useless to give advice. “Nobody really wants to get advice,” Sousse says. “He makes some subtle judgments about whether there is a right or wrong way to grieve.”
And if you’ve ever thought to use the word “at least”, don’t. “I always tell people that if you’re going to say the words“ at least, ”you should stop,” Sousse says. “You’re going to justify why it shouldn’t be painful, which isn’t true.”
Don’t assume you know the relationship between the bereaved and the person they have lost.
Usually, a message is placed in a condolence card that says how special the deceased was for the deceased. But if you didn’t know the person who died, or didn’t know anything about their relationship with the person you are writing to, you might want to avoid making any assumptions.
“If you don’t know the person, then commenting on him is not the best option,” Mendoza says. “Sometimes it’s not a very special relationship.” Of course, if you did know that this person was very close to your friend, feel free to say so. You can also enter the name of the deceased. “When you’ve lost a loved one, people often don’t use the person’s name, but it means a lot to them,” Mendoza says. “So you might say something like, ‘I know David was a special person to you.’
Offer specific help if available
In times of contention, people often say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a bad thing , but someone in mourning isn’t going to do all the work to cheer you up for it. Rather than offering vague help, “offer them something specific and have them tell you if it’s helpful or not,” Sousse says. Ask them if you can bring them dinner, or feed their cat, or babysit, or give them a drink and listen.
And if you know them well enough (and you know it won’t be an intrusion), feel free to do something, even if you are not asked to. “I have a really good friend, and one of her closest friends recently died,” Sousse said. “I didn’t ask, I just went to her house and brought lunch.”
See your doctor a second time after the grieving period ends.
Most people go to the dead immediately after they hear the news, which is certainly the right thing to do. But right after someone dies, everything seems blurry, and while it’s great to be overflowing with texts, emails and pretty postcards, it’s hard to appreciate the sincere messages at the moment. Sousse recommends reaching out to those who are experiencing grief a second time, after the initial period has supposedly ended.
“In truth, people in those first days or weeks [after death] honestly don’t remember much,” Sousse says. “When you hear the news, first lend a helping hand and then immediately mark 4-16 weeks on your calendar. This is the time when most people need more support and encouragement. “
Sousse says that after a few months, most people who were not close to the deceased leave, but those who grieve do not feel the pain subsiding. “The terrible thing about time and grief is that the period when the shock starts to pass coincides with the time when everyone else leaves. And then you really start thinking, “Oh my god, this is my real life and it sucks,” Sousse says. “Those messages, notes and texts that come in 3, 4 months and later may be more meaningful than the initial reach.”
So, after a few months, send a message, invite a friend to dinner, go to his house with a bottle of wine and a good movie, and let him tell you about the person he loved. Don’t feel like you’re forcing someone to rephrase trouble or remind them of something they want to forget. What they really want should not be forgotten.