What to Do If a Coworker Closes Their Eyes Too Much

This week Human Resource answers the question: What do you do with a “friend” at work who treats you as their personal therapist?

Questions about your job dilemmas, large or small, to submit at the address [email protected] .

Dear employees,

I work as a host in a popular restaurant. I often work in shifts with a guy I’ll call Brad. He is about my age (about 20 years old), but we have very different experiences. I went to school, graduated and live with my partner. Brad has a kid with his high school girlfriend, they just bought a house with her and they are now engaged.

The problem is, Brad hates his fiancée. Every story he tells ends like this: “My fiance is so incompetent that I have to do all the work.” She “can’t be trusted” to do the laundry. When she cooks, she uses too many pans. She brings up her children poorly, so Brad comes home to the child who is not listening. She left the back door unlocked, so Brad shouted at her that if the dog ran away he would not help find her.

In the meantime, I’ve been working with him for six months and I don’t think he ever called her real name.

I’m not here to judge. I know having a preschool child is not a picnic. And I’m sure this is not the life he imagined. But I am also very, very sorry for the child, because I grew up in a family where my parents did not love each other, but stayed together, because this is what you do. And many of the stories he tells me are, from his point of view, fairly punitive, but they certainly sound offensive to me.

I tried to give up some things (for example, “I mean I use a lot of pans when I cook” or “I’m pretty sure I don’t listen – that’s a preschooler’s thing”), but he always found the answer that brings him back to incompetence his bride.

What am I doing? I don’t think I can really say, “Hey, that sounds pretty offensive. Have you thought … NOT to marry this woman? But I don’t like hearing him take offense at her in ways that he clearly thinks are reasonable, but that makes me tingle.

Set some boundaries

You need to set some boundaries with Brad and I would say the sooner the better.

At best, he uses you to speak out, which is generally just rude and self-centered. Plus, he seems to give you clear discomfort and stress. If he needs advice, he should get advice. No one should expect a colleague to endlessly listen to the nonsense and misfortunes of his personal life.

At worst, I think it’s entirely possible that Brad is either personally interested in you or is moving in that direction. And, believe me, you do not want to wait for the moment when he says: “My bride just does not understand me … not like you .”

If this scenario, as contrived as it is, makes you feel sticky: good! Because I think you should stop this.

Be gentle – first

It doesn’t have to be a confrontation. Start by simply changing the subject whenever a conversation starts with his unnamed partner. Think about various other topics in advance; It’s best to work with work-related questions, but your latest booze on Netflix might be fine too. Don’t worry about transitions; just enter a new topic. Or apologize and do something else. Bottom line: Show as little interest as possible in his family-related complaints.

Looks like Brad is the one who might not understand the message, so get ready for the next step. Say something like, “Would you mind if we talk about subjects other than your partner? I know that raising children is difficult, but it makes me uncomfortable. “

You can add something like your comment above about how his stories make you think your parents didn’t always get along, etc. Personally I wouldn’t go there because I think it just entails further confusion follows. And, as a rule, I find that the idea that we need to be friends with colleagues is overrated .

Take a break

Maybe this all sounds a little rude, or maybe heartless. But you should be very careful about your sense of duty when considering the personal family dramas of someone you have known for six months, solely because you are working together.

Get some perspective. Gradually, but drastically, change the course of this relationship so that it is not determined by what you listen to and worry about Brad and his problems. You wouldn’t let a true friend treat you like that. So under no circumstances should you allow your “friend” at work to do this.

Reader responses to last week’s snatch column

There have been many great comments on the recent column, ” Coping with Jerks at Work . “ I would like to draw special attention to a couple of them.

The second item in this column concerned an employee whose colleagues responded to detailed emails by logging in and asking questions about the topics covered in the email. I offered to subtly “train” them to refuse such behavior. But I also suggested reconsidering whether these emails, given their apparent ineffectiveness, were really the best way to communicate.

The waterdragon commenter advises :

“Notice Rob’s advice door # 2. If multiple people are doing this to you, it should get you thinking. Please consider a) the type of information you are trying to convey and b) the way you convey it. At the very least, I think it is too verbose and not formatted for easy reading. “

A similar but more straightforward sentence: “Write short emails,” says katie_keys , who describes the former employer’s short memo policy , suggesting that if something can’t be summed up to three points, “you can.” I don’t. e-mail and still need a meeting. ” Another reader adds that different people perceive information differently.

None of this is to blame the reader for the indifference of colleagues. But it is often worthwhile to think at least for a moment about whether it is an easier solution to change your own behavior rather than figuring out how to change the behavior of, you know, every person you work with.

Send your work questions to [email protected] . Questions can be edited for added volume and clarity.