How to Tell Someone Really, Really Bad News
There are bad phone calls, but there are also really bad phone calls, such as those in which you are forced to tell someone the news that a loved one had an accident or, worse, died.
On Twitter, author Naomi Olderman shared some doctor’s advice on this very task and why staying clean is the most important thing you can do. What if you were entrusted with telling someone the tragic news about a loved one?
I spoke with Jill Cohen , a family counselor, about how to share sad news, why brevity is key, and the importance of the recipient being in a safe place when they receive it.
Don’t give news via voicemail
Let’s say you can’t see them in person. Instead, you call and he goes unanswered. Should I leave a message explaining the events? No, according to Cohen. You cannot guarantee that they will be able to receive bad news (say, they are on their way. You don’t want them to panic).
Instead, just say it’s bad news and take the time to talk. “I have news that will probably upset you,” she suggested. “Or” I have bad news, which I unfortunately have to tell you when I can talk. “
Stay clear
On Twitter, Alderman suggested starting the conversation with something like, “I’m afraid I have very sad news.” Then make it 100% clear who or what is involved. “When people hear bad news coming, they don’t even listen to it or absorb it,” Cohen added. “They kind of figure it all out before you say it.”
Resolve any doubts by clarifying the situation from the beginning, and don’t tell long stories. “While it’s difficult to do, don’t create detailed stories that say the person didn’t die because now [they] are beginning to think they may have been through,” she said.
Just say it chronologically and without hesitation. “Your sister was hospitalized last night,” Alderman suggested on Twitter. “She was very ill, her temperature rose a lot. The doctors prescribed antibiotics for her, but nothing helped. Today at 9 am she died. “
Answers ready
When you break bad news, don’t allow yourself to immediately get in touch with whoever you need to tell, and instead get as much information as possible ahead of time. According to Cohen, an immediate response is usually a series of questions that you will want to answer. “You can provide news and probably help with the next step,” she said, which could include booking a flight home or other suddenly urgent needs.
If you don’t have the answers, that’s okay too. Let them know that you will share the details with them as soon as they become available to you. And if they start crying, just let them know, “I am here.”
Calm down
Of course, don’t make the situation worse. Just stay calm, as Cohen recommends, and give them enough time to think (which will likely mean a series of questions). And if you are not one of those who remain calm or you are influenced by the situation, ask another loved one to do the same.
“If you’re going to confuse them, it’s really useless,” she said. “You can ask your partner, your husband or friend to do this.” Are there several such calls? Have a friend nearby to comfort you (this is no easy task for you, too).
Have a script
If the task seems overwhelming, Cohen recommends simply writing a short script. Write down everything in order, from the participants to the answers you will need to provide. And as a follow-up check them out if they are any of the people close to you who seem suitable for you (do you usually talk on the phone? Do you usually write text?).
And if you don’t know the person well, sometimes you just bring bad news and nothing more. It’s okay too. Let them know you’re there if they need answers and your job can be done.